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Question
I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for 3 years. When I met her she had just divorced her husband a year prior. We have been through a lot in our relationship but have worked our way through everything. I am 47 and she is 34. I've been "out" for 10 years and she came out when we got together 3 years ago. Everyone in our families have been very accepting except her mom. The problem is that I saw a text on her phone the other day from a guy from her work which said something about sending nude pictures. When I confronted her she was honest with me and said she has a desire to be with a man once in awhile but loves me and wants to be with me. I am having a hard time with this and she doesn't understand why. She tells me it shouldn't matter and only wants to be with a man once a year just for the penetration. I don't know what to do because I truly love her but feel very lost and confused :( please help!

Answer
Dear Friend,

Your partner sounds like a real gem. She has brought a difficult subject into the intimate circle between you, risking losing you, in defense of honesty. This is rare! Embrace it.

This can be a real intimacy building exercise for the two of you. Handle it gently. I don't think, she is saying that she would rather be with a man, instead of you -- just that some part of that, is something she craves, occasionally.

Be willing to get to the root of it. It may be just penetration or the raw, unemotional sexual act itself. Try to separate the sense of betrayal and abandonment you may be feeling, from the beauty of the fragile gift of herself that she is giving you, by revealing this difficult truth.

This may all turn out to be just a sign that she moved into the relationship with you, before she had explored her true sexuality. Had she known previously, she may have said something like, "I'm bisexual" when you met. Perhaps knowing that, may have been a deal-breaker for you, at the time. On the other side of the spectrum, it has been said that what some folks refer to as bisexuality may just be a temporary stop on the way to lesbianism.

None of us know exactly what this is all about, deep down, yet. I urge you to remain open and not to close the path to intimacy, she has opened up here, for the two of you.  

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Lena Torres

Expertise

Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.

Experience

Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

Organizations
FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

Education/Credentials
B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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