Lesbian Life/I'm cheating


Hello there,

I am in a little dilemma and I don't know what to do. I'm in my early 20s and I been seeing an older, married woman. Her husband and children live in a completely different state but she flies out there once every few weeks to go see them. They pretty much have an open relationship and he knows about me. She's one of my best friends but we are very intimate. We been together since July and only a few weeks ago it really hit me that she was married. I love her but I know it's a dead end relationship. A few weeks ago I told her I loved her and she said she loves me too but you got to understand the  terms. I felt really bad that day and basically woke up and realize the true facts.

Time progressed on and I wasn't so close to her but we still kept up our sex life. I recently went to a party and met this amazing girl. I didn't tell her I was seeing someone which was my big mistake. I been going out on a few dates with the new girl and I love her company. ( Shes bi but she wants to start a relationship with me.) She lives pretty far from me and she's closer in age to me. She has everything I look  for in a girl but she goes to the club a lot. I'm trying to adjust to that but I don't know what to do. Both of them doesn't know about each other and the married woman I had told a few weeks ago I wanted to be in an open relationship where if someone comes along I was going to see where it goes with them. I completely understand that it's not fair to either of them and its also selfish of me to continuing doing this. I was thinking about ending it with both of them and staying single and try to work on myself before I hurt someone. I'm a horrible person for not being honest. Any advice ?

Dear Friend,

First, ask for some 'no-contact' time away from the married woman. Let her know that you will be exploring your options and you do not yet know what will come of it. She is in an open relationship with her husband and has agreed to nothing concrete with you; so I would not call you, getting to know someone else, "cheating" exactly.

Here is what I would say after studying what little I know so far, about you as an individual:

You have chosen 2, seemingly unavailable women.


Are you, yourself, ready for commitment?

And why does it matter that the 2nd woman goes to the club? Do you want more control over her? If so, how come? You hardly know her, right?

To answer your question about, being honest... It is never too late to start. Start today.

It will always present a problem, of various different categories, to continue to jump into relationships with women you've just met. Why not get to know them for a while, first, as friends? How would that harm you?

Think of it this way: Do they know everything there is to know about you, so far, in the first few weeks or months? Of course not. Then, you have to assume the inverse that likewise, there must be a lot that you do not yet know about them.

Once you get all romantically entangled with a person, it will be so much harder to let them go, when you find out all their dirt. Believe me, everyone has flaws --  what I mean is, that if these character defects, that you may not like, turn out to be really objectionable in your opinion, at least you are more likely to walk away unscathed if not intimately involved. Or at the very least, you save yourself from becoming the victim of yet another disastrous relationship.

Try it, you'll thank me -- there is nothing to be afraid of except for the fear itself.

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Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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