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Lesbian Life/New relationship I am 10 years older...


Hello, My Question is: I am 45 years old. I am told I do not look or act this way. I try:). I came out when I was 37 and stayed in that relationship for 8 years. It was very abusive and I losteverything, but I came out so that was good. This is my second relationship and its been about 1 year and we have been living together in her home town for around 8 months together. She is in recovery from alcohol. And out of an abusive relationship as well. So we are starting over together. NOW my question is we only have sex like 2 or 3 times a month. We did not have that time in the beginning where we have sex all day everyday. I know that anti depressants can play a part, we have both been hurt as well. So should this be a reason for not having that explosive sex thing and only twice a month a problem? Is it me, because I have a problem with my age. Like I might turn her off or something. Me 45 and her 35...she says she loves me more than anything and she would not want to ever lose me. HELP should I not over react? should I be worried? HELP HELP
I don't want to waste more time on a relationship that is unhealthy.

Dear Friend,

We hear about the Anthropological pre-disposition of women for nesting, I will never get used to the idea that so many women move-in with someone, without truly 'knowing' one-another. I get so many letters about the difference between: The person she was when they met an the person she turned into, 1, 2 or 7 years after starting the relationship.

For folks who are recovering from alcoholism #or other addictions#, it is not the substance that is the problem. The problem is the behavior that eventually leads to the drinking. The alcohol consumption itself is almost irrelevant -- the typical behavior of the addict, is the problem. For the two of you, this, in conjunction with having recently come out of an abusive relationship #which I'll discuss further below# -- comes with an already nearly unsurmountable obstacle course.

Relationships, in and of themselves, are not easy.

Having said that, sex-drives vary greatly among individuals. Each person's sex drive, is their own individual responsibility.

Sexual frequency, tends to dwindle with the passing of years, level of intimacy, meaning - the risks we are willing to take to champion intimacy -- and the usual hustle and bustle of daily life, often take a toll on quantity and  quality alike.

You are wise to take notice of the part that anti-depressants, age and emotional experiences play -- in particular post-traumatic experiences.

This brings me back to the matter of having been in abusive relationships. There is one, significant factor, I want to mention: The thing to remain most vigilant of, when you have a history of abuse, is not to repeat or mirror the behavior of the perpetrator. According to a growing number of scholarly articles on the cycle of abuse, most perpetrators, were once victims themselves.

So in entering such potentially volatile conditions, buyer beware -- watch your own reactions, more than anything. Also know that abuse tends to escalate. Eyes wide open about patterns and your own history, here.  

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Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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