Lesbian Life/Communication Issues
Hi there Vicky
Thank you for taking the time to read this mail.
I have written to a few experts on this before and they've all been very helpful, however, I seem to need constant reassurance that these kind of problems are normal and that my relationship is not falling to pieces.
I am 24 and have been with my current girlfriend (25) for over 7 years now and I've always known that our sex life is not "good enough" or what it can be - FOR ME! She seems to having a great time in bed, always have, and I just end up all frustrated. Her abilities aren't very good and my body requires much more than hers to get off, so to speak. Now, I have sort of ignored this issue through the years, hoping it might get better. YES, we have had many arguments about this (not her abilities - I NEVER EVER criticize it), but about who's not initiating enough etc. which we both hate of course, I don't think anyone likes to fight about sex or money!
The point is, I have tried several approached to try and communicate better with her about it, and she just gets really defensive. She knows exactly how I feel and it just seems as if she's ignoring it or putting it away because she doesn't know how to deal with it. Which of course results in a small concern turning into a constant problem for me. I am at my wits end with this. We care for eachother SO much! And to the world we are the perfect couple. I am starting to doubt my relationship because of this. I have finally realized that I too, deserve to have a healthy sex life with the woman I love and have loved forever. And I'm pretty sure everyone wants to just have at least one EARTH SHATTERING orgasm every once in a while.
At this point, after another argument and her making me feel like i'm some kind of a sex addict the way she gets upset whenever I bring it up saying things like: "Oh, here we go again..." I'm am ready to end things. I've gone as far as asking her to give me some time alone as I'll be staying elswhere for the weekend, to decide whether to give it a final chance again. She begged for me to just give us another chance. But I'm not going to give in again like always and 4 months down the line the same issue arises again.
She is wonderful in every way. She is SO good to me that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have such beautiful person in my life. The bed problems aren't the only problems either - she wants to have the "happy fairytale ending" with kids one day and getting married and I don't want kids. These are things that I have to consider as well. I'm turning 25 this year and just feel like this is the time in my life where I have to look into myself and find what I want and don't want. We're both well on our way to having good careers etc and I just don't want to sit with this struggle for much longer.
Is there anything you can suggest that can help me work this out with myself and my partner? Just your opinion about it would be of great help.
Hi:) Thank you for the question:)
This is a tricky situation to be in, and there are several options, but these are just my opinions and you ultimately, need to do what is right for you.
You mentioned later in the letter, that you are taking some time out for yourself and that she wants you to give the relationship another chance. You could use this as an opportunity to tell her how she makes you feel when you are trying to talk to her about the issues that are bothering you. If she isn't prepared to sit down and discuss things properly then perhaps you need to seriously think about moving on with your life. I dont think its terribly healthy being in a relationship where you cant talk about what is bothering you, and then in turn, feeling a bit crap because she isnt paying attention. It could be that she doesnt want the conflict, but in any relationship, you have to talk about things, and you need to be able to do it honestly and without that fear of feeling like she is looking at you or thinking of you in a certain way.
Just remember, we project a lot of our own fears onto our partners as well. She may very well be NOT thinking those things, and is just fearful herself. Perhaps give it a try and see what comes out of it?
Relationships aren't just about great sex or a lot of sex. Sure its healthy to have sex but if your partner has a lower libido than yours, she isnt going to want to do this all the time. Its about compromise. Perhaps once you have talked about how you feel, you could suggest a compromise about sex as well. Suggest a date night every week, or every fortnight, but dont put pressure on her to accept this. It needs to be a compromise, so what she would like as well.
If she has issues about sex, again, you need to get her to talk to you about it. But in my opinion, it shouldnt be the deciding factor as to whether your relationship is failing or not.
You mention that she wants the fairytale ending. Things change over time. Both of you will change your dreams and wants and desires as time moves on. Dont write her off just yet because of something that may or may not occur in the future. However, if she is really sure that this is the path she wants to go down, then again, you need to seriously consider what you want from the relationship, whether she can give this to you, and whether or not you can see yourself with her, in the future. It is also about whether you can give her what she wants. And again, this is only going to get sorted by getting her to talk honestly to you. As i said above, perhaps this is the opportunity you needed. Almost forcing her hand in a way. Perhaps you could meet her somewhere quiet while you are deciding whether you are going back home, and try and get her to talk. She also needs the opportunity to hear what you have to say, and to voice her own concerns too. If you write her off to quickly without giving her the chance to hear you, and for you to hear her, then you could be missing out on something really wonderful.
flip side of the coin is, if you do get her to open up and talk, and you both talk honestly, you may come to the realisation that the relationship has run its course. Or, you may see the potential in it.
there are a lot of "what ifs" in this situation. There are also a lot statements in the letter you have written.
1. I'm turning 25 this year and just feel like this is the time in my life where I have to look into myself and find what I want and don't want. We're both well on our way to having good careers etc and I just don't want to sit with this struggle for much longer.
2. I seem to need constant reassurance that these kind of problems are normal and that my relationship is not falling to pieces.
3. I am 24 and have been with my current girlfriend (25) for over 7 years now and I've always known that our sex life is not "good enough" or what it can be - FOR ME!
To me, its almost like you want someone to tell you to move on, instead perhaps, realising that, that is exactly what you are saying you want to do;) There is nothing wrong with that either by the way, because if you are feeling that unhappy, then you do need to get out and start doing what is right for you. I appreciate that you love her, but are you still IN LOVE with her. I guess if you have to think about it for a few minutes, then you have your answer. If it only takes you a few seconds to answer it, again, you will have your answer. Cryptic isnt it :) Sometimes, we arent meant to be with someone that we love, but instead, we are meant to be with someone that we are IN love with.
I think you are doing the right thing in getting away and having a think about it. I hope you get the perspective you need to sort this out once and for all. I somehow doubt I have been of any use, but ultimately, you need to do what is right for you. I cant tell you what the right path is for you, you need to figure that out and then choose. Happiness is something WE create for ourselves. Noone else can MAKE us happy. That heaps a whole pile of pressure on someone for no good reason. :)
Anyway enough rambling on my part. I hope that things turn out the way you want. Sometimes you just need that push i guess, in order to make the choice that will set your on the path you want to be on. Good luck,and I hope that you find your path :) If there is anything else i can do, please come back.