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I have been with my girlfriend so 10 months now. At the start
Of the relationship everything was great, we had sex 2-3 times
A week maybe more & we were so into each other. 3-4 months on
The sex seemed to get less often along with the intimate kissing and cuddling. I didn't question this decrease in sex or intimacy as just guessed it was the honey moon period coming to an end, but now it seems everything has come to a stand still. We rarely have sex anymore, it has started to become a regular thing that we only have sex 1-3 months in between. Intimate kisses and affection have gone lop-sided too as I have to ask her 9/10 times for a kiss or cuddle & sometimes even getting ignored when I ask for affection. She insists that she wears all her clothes in bed including her bra and gets up tight if I try to take anything off or suggest she maybe takes anything off. We have discussed the lack of sex & affection an we've both obviously established that she has a low sex drive compared to mine, but I have hinted about sex several times whilst being in bed but she simply says no which normally follows with an excuse as to why she doesn't want to. The fact she seems to continuously deny me about sex makes me feel unwanted & that I'm not good enough for her. I am "larger" then she is an I have asked her if my weight/size is an issue & always says it isn't & she says she would say if it was. When i try to kiss her intimatly she will start smiling or laughing like its a joke which then makes me feel uncomfortable and hurt so I find myself smiling whilst kissing to try & hide my hurt. We have also dicussed the fact she laughs or smiles whilst kissing and that I'd rather it not happen but it still does which now makes me reframe from kissing her intimately also. Other then the sex and kissing thing our relationship is good but these things are forever playing on my mind but I feel that talking to her gets me nowhere. Please help!

Hello Amy,

Thank you for your question.

It sounds to me like you have been doing all you can to reach out to her, communicate, try and find out why she is treating you like this, and telling her how you feel.

It is natural to feel unwanted, and un-sexy if you partner seems to no longer desire you and it hurts.  She needs to know, that you need to know the reason(s) why she no longer wants to be intimate with you. Your relationship has evolved to a level where you need to be sharing these types of issues, and not ignoring them, or pretending they don't exist (at least on her side). This will only continue to put a wedge in between you too if it is not talked about and somehow resolved.

So, I would try once again to bring this up.  Tell her you'd like to talk to her soon, (not immediately) but with in the next few days and ask her when is a good time. Make a date to discuss these issues, sit down and talk about them seriously, tell her how you feel and that you feel it is putting a distance between you.

For whatever reason(s) she may have, they may have to do with a past trauma so try to be kind and not judge her. But if it is just her libido there is likely things she can do (like eat yams which have more estrogen?) to get her libido more compatible with yours.  So, if that is the case maybe she will look into alternative methods to increase her sex drive?

But do try to talk to her again, and let her know you want to resolve this between you.

Alternatively, if that doesn't work you may want to look into counseling together.  There are good sex therapists around that may be able to help.

I think you are doing everything you can, but the relationship is worth reaching out a trying again.

Here are a few good articles I found about sex and communication:

Hope that helps.


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I am happy to answer any questions female sexuality, lesbianism, and girl/girl sex. Whether you identify as a lesbian, a butch, queer, a bisexual, or are simply curious or don't know, I'm happy to answer your questions.


I consider myself to be queer. I have a background in human sexuality, and can answer any questions relating to female sexuality, gender and sexual orientation.

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