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Question
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year and a half. I love her a lot and she is someone that I would spend my life with.  When we first got together our relationship was hot and steamy and now it's gone way down hill and is hardly there. From a twice a week to maybe once a month. Sex used to take hours and now it takes 15-20 minutes. There used to be lots of forplay now it just jumps right to the sex act.

Communication is the key, I know, but I get stonewalled from her whenever I bring up the topic. She has a traumatic past and I don't really want to push her to do something she is uncomfortable with but I have some needs as well....
How would I tell her that I am I am interested in more intamacy without upsetting her?

Answer
Hi Michelle,

Welcome to comfortable, long term relationship land! :) Every relationship hits this point. Whether the relationship is gay or straight, after awhile, the sex becomes less frequent and a little more routine. that's when compatibility is truly tested. If you two make it through, there will be times of more sex, like it used to be but overall, it will continue like this and it becomes more about companionship than sex.

However, sex is important to you and relationships in general. Since she has a traumatic past you will need to be delicate about the topic. My girlfriend has "stronger" needs than I do so she is usually the one initiating the sex. She straight up asks. I'm clueless and don't realize how long it has been or that she might be hinting about it. Her flat out saying she wants to is usually enough for me (but maybe your girlfriend isn't as slow as I am). Traumatic past or not, if she loves you, you should be able to have a heart-to-heart with her about your needs (just remember, it isn't ALL about your needs but I'm sure you know that).

If you are uncomfortable about addressing it you could just find ways to set the mood. Make an attempt for a little extra romantic time. Make her dinner a little more often (or cook together, very romantic). I find cooking at home is far more romantic than going out. Take a bubble bath or shower together. Fun always comes out of soapy naked time. Get in bed together and watch a movie. I don't know your interests but think about things you two like to do together. Usually, the element of togetherness leads to a higher level of togetherness.

Good luck! Just remember, this is completely normal for every relationship. Hope this helps.If not, feel free to follow up!

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Alicia Thompson

Expertise

I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.

Experience

I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

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I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

Education/Credentials
I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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