Lesbian Life/Question


Here is my question. I have been with the same woman for 17 years married 14
years. We have two sons. We are middle class and are pretty comfortable in our
life style.  Over the past two years have noticed a distance between us
emotionally and sexually.  I do suffer from erectile dysfunction. I do use the
medications perscribed by my doctor but I hate the side effects. Anyway last
spring I was in tears realizing my marriage may be over. I would watch my wife
be cold and distant and I would react by getting angry and fustrated.  I did
finally talk with her and tell her I noticed the space between us and apologized
to her from the way I was acting. She later came to me and said I was a good
husband and father and she was lucky to have me.   Well as time has gone on she
has a female co-worker who is a lesbian and she does spend time with her smoking
cigars and eating lunch at her house. The co-workers house is close to where
they work. I found this out at a party where I was try
ing to get close to my wife at the party but she continually pulled away from
me or would not be in the same space with me.  I work in IT so I started
checking her laptop to see what she was up to, I found her going to the
afterellen website which is a lesbian pop culture site. But what go me was the
the google search stating "afterellen.com I think I love her"  So that got my
mind going crazy about this .  I also checked her phone and found flirty
messages with the lesbian co-worker and also texts her boss alot too after work
hours and they talk about true blood and other shows but nothing sexual that I
saw.  Yes this is an invasion of privacy but I wanted to know what was going on
( yes I was on a witch hunt). In the past my wife would tell me are you cheating
on me if you are I will kick your ass if you do.  I will admit I have been
looking for a girlfriend because of the lack of emotional and sexual support
from my wife.  I have not cheated and want my marriage with my w
ife. I know I was trying to control things here but I understand that she is
her own person and has her right to privacy.  I cannot control what she does.  
Selfishness, being petty are a few of my many faults.  I do my best to be the
greatest husband and father. Communication has always been a problem for us,
plus my wife scares me.  Bottom line I am afraid of losing her and this
marriage.   We are both in our 40's and wondering if we are both having mid-life
crisis issues, medical in my case...  I know the answer is communicate.  Any

Hi Steve,

I apologize for not writing a little earlier- I really wanted to think over your situation before responding.

First I will say, while maybe not the most adult thing or respectable thing to do in desperate situations, it is completely normal to look through texts and internet history. We've all done it (shamefully so) but it's human nature to want answers so don't beat yourself up too much for it. If a significant other won't share information with you, you have to get the information any way you can.

I don't necessarily think your situation is a mid-life crisis. Maybe your half is(I think your side is just reaction to her side)but I don't think your wife's side is. Many, many straight women (quite a significant number this day and age) have fantasized about being with a woman. Speaking for myself, I have been with 2 women in my past who were involved with men at the time of our "relationship" (I am not proud of that nor do I talk about it with others but I feel it is relevent to your situation and might help you out). These women became my friend and then initiated the physical stuff. One woman did it because she had always wanted to be intimate with a woman and wasn't getting what she needed from her husband (attention, sex, and the feeling of being wanted) and the other was because her relationship was ending and she was looking for the same things as the first woman and just happened to find what she was looking for in me. If your wife is turning to this woman for the same reasons as these women, your marriage might be able to be saved. But you also need to keep an open mind that maybe, ultimately, she likes women. It's a possibility but not a definite unless she says so. Many women come out late in life after being married to men and raising children. It's almost as if they wake up one day and realize it. I'm not really sure how that works as I knew at a very young age but I do know it happens quite a bit. But your wife is the only one who can tell you if that really is the case so let's assume she isn't.

Communication is the answer. Have an honest and calm talk with her. Take her somewhere quiet and comfortable (neutral ground) where you can have a private and quiet talk. Put it all out there. Exactly what you told me. How destroyed you feel that your marriage might be over and how it makes you feel that she is spending all this time with her co-worker. I don't know if I would mention the reading of the texts or internet spying as most women REALLY don't like that. :) Honesty is always good but sometimes you really shouldn't share things. You could just say someone saw them together and told you or something like that. Tell her that this is a marriage and her behavior is not respectful to your marriage. Put it all on the line is this the end or can you both make an effort to fix it? And if you get the chance to fix it, do it up right. Look at her and treat her the way you did when you first got together. Find the things in each other that made you fall in love in the first place.

But, maybe she is at a point right now that she wants to explore things with this woman further. However, it isn't fair to you for her not to be honest about it. Maybe a separation is the answer. Maybe both of you being with other people for awhile will show you what you are both needing. But, that won't be known without talking about it. Two wrongs don't make a right. Be the bigger person and don't start something with someone else until you have a talk with your wife. Just remember to remain calm when talking with her. Outbursts get you nowhere.

And please, don't let this situation make you hate lesbians. We're not all bad.

I hope I have helped you at least a little. If you need more help or you feel I have missed the mark feel free to follow-up and I will do my best to guide you through. I wish you luck!

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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