You are here:

Lesbian Life/Re: how to move on after almost a year


Hi Lena

I will give you a brief run down of events and how this has lead to my current position. I was with someone for a year ( we broke up Xmas 2012). We broke up because she wasn't ready to fully commit and I was. I put a lot of effort an energy into our relationship and her kids but she just wasn't ready to be in a relationship (or maybe a relationship with me!) After we broke up we still spoke for a few month afterwards. She missed me and wanted me to still be around without committing. I missed her so stuck around, knowing it probably wouldn't go anywhere and so I started seeing other people! I've always been very honest and I hate lying and hiding stuff so I told her that i has met someone and we were seeing each other. That's when it all changed! She thought that I had disrespected her by seeing someone else whilst still being around her... Looking back perhaps I did. I saw it more as - you don't want me as you still don't want to commit so I'm looking elsewhere- but maybe by still being around he she thought she still had ownership or something!

Anyway, after that we stopped speaking for a few months ( I told her about my new lady friend in February and we didn't speak again until April). I contacts her first and tried to rebuild some sort of friendship. She was seeing someone (this girl had tried to work her way in whilst me and her were seeing each other so I'm lot the biggest fan of her!) but she agreed to be civil and be friends. That lasted until August when we fell out over a dumb situation (she had damaged my car and had given me money for it. I hadn't yet got it fixed so she was upset that I had hounded her for the money- I hadn't - and so was annoyed that I still hasn't fixed it). We had a heated argument and stopped speaking once again.

Now normally, I wouldn't care and would move on. But for some reason I still really alcare about her. I just think about how we use to be and although I want happy with her lack of commitment, I loved the relationship we had together! We were great friends! I feel like there is a void on my life without her. I also really miss here kids. I practically lived with her and them for almost 6 months so became quite attached! So tonight I took it upon myself to text her and tell her that I hate the way it has all turned out and want us to try and rekindle a friendship at the bare minimum. She politely declined, saying that she doesn't want to go backwards and she now has a significant other and it would be awkward...

I suppose that is my my que to stop and move on. But the hard thing is....I don't know how! I have never missed someone so much. I'm currently seeing someone and have done since February but I can't seem to shake off my ex! My new lady friend is lovely, everything I would have wanted my ex to be. And I know my ex is happy with her new gf (the girl I mentioned earlier) and I suppose that burns me too as she wanted her while we were together!

I just need some advice on the best way to let go and let go for good.

Dear Friend,

Your main reason for writing this letter was to ask: "The best way to let go and let go for good?"

Although, I feel much more inclined to provide guidance on how to abstain from such relationships in the first place -- a relationship that might end up like this -- I will ignore that impulse altogether and answer your question. For now.

First, you must fight with every fiber of your being to stay away from her. That means, don't call, don't text, don't email, don't ask friends about her, don't look at her page on social networks -- simply don't! Moreover, don't visit places that might remind you of her or where you might run into her.

Secondly, if you don't really want to date the new person you have met. Then don't!

Becoming involved with someone new so soon, is indicative of someone who seeks relationships not, because of myriad irresistible qualities in the other person or because you are ready to commit - or because you have dated often and among all of the people you have met, you are certain that she is the best one -- but because you cannot be alone.

Look within. Know thyself. There is nothing else you can do that will work magic, like these two statements. So I will write them again. Look within. Know thyself.

There is nothing that can ruin a relationship quicker than entering one, without first knowing yourself. In fact, without a good, working relationship with yourself, no other relationship can work.

Bring to another person, your complete self. That means, don't expect another person to meet your previously unmet needs. Once you are comfortable in your own skin -- another person is just a nice fun bonus, not a do all, end all, deal breaker, perfect in every way.

Get busy doing the things you love. That process will build you up to become the best version of yourself that you can be.

You will one day awaken to experience what it's like to be surrounded by people who admire your uniqueness, who learn from you, who find themselves genuinely drawn to you.

That -- is how you let go and let go for good. Remember, that in this process, it is not just 'this girl' that you are letting go of, but the habits that led you to choose someone unavailable in the first place.

You have no power to change another person's ways -- but all the power in the world, to change your own space, to change your choices and to see things the way they really are.


Lesbian Life

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

©2016 All rights reserved.