Lesbian Life/Hard break-up


QUESTION: I dated my ex for 4 years. She was diagnosed with cancer during that time--went through horrible chemo & surgeries & I was with her through everything. It did change the relationship. Right before her two year cancer free mark we broke up. We had grown apart. I, in particular, disengaged & didn't include her in my life. We lived apart & I am raising three young family members. The break up was painful--she was the one who actually made the final decision--I gave her no choice. It's been nearly a year now. Her cancer came back but treatment is going better. We've gotten together for lunch numerous times & she texts frequently. She even asked if I thought we could travel together--we traveled often & had great times when we were together. I think she may want a relationship again. At one point I wanted to spend my life with her. I haven't been interested in anyone else since our break-up. I'm worried about a future with her: same old problems, missing out on other potential relationships bc I'm not free of her, losing her to cancer...I'm very confused & unable to decide or to move on. Please help.

ANSWER: Hi Kerry,

Well, it sounds like you are still in love with her. Usually, the first sign someone is over their ex is to be interested in someone else. I would say after all this time, if you still haven't been interested in someone, you are still in love.

Have you spent any time since you broke up thinking about your issues that contributed to your break-up? It is important to do that. A relationship between you two will never work if past issues are not resolved. Only you can fix what is wrong within. Give it some good thought before you get back together (if that is what you decide to do).

Losing her to cancer should not be a reason to not get back together with her. Any one of us could get run down by a bus tomorrow. You never know when you will lose someone you love. You just have to appreciate everyone you love while you have them and enjoy your time together. You'll regret it later on if you love her but chose not to be with her because of that.

Communication is the answer. Your significant other should always be your go to for everything. They should be included in everything. You should be able to talk about anything. All the concerns you listed about whether or not to be with her are issues you should discuss with her. Only you two can work out what went wrong and make sure it doesn't happen again.

It sounds like you still love and care about her and if your heart tells you that you two should be together, go for it. Always listen to your heart and your gut. It sounds like you haven't really moved on anyway so a long talk with each other will probably help you decide one way or another what you should do.

I wish you luck and happiness.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So I tossed the issue out there. I asked my ex via text why I feel as if we have unfinished business. She responded, "I don't  know. Why?"  Me:  just wondering, Ex: is something bothering you?  Me: tough to pinpoint or articulate (I know, I know, total weak cop-out) Ex:I'm willing to talk about it if you need to. Me: I don't need to. Ex: you sure? Sounds like something is bothering you Me: forget it. Ex: okay, if you change your mind let me know. So, correct me if I'm wrong but this does not sound like someone who is at all interested in getting back together. I just wonder why she has been in constant contact & often ends her texts xo. My plan B is to end all communication bc I'm not moving on with her even remotely in my life. Thoughts?

Hi Kerry,

Text isn't really the ideal way to talk to an ex. You should have talked about things in person. Yes, it's hard but it is the best way becaise you can't run away from answering a question or be vague with a response. And, body language is always helpful to know how someone feels. Also, you can't hear tone of voice in a text so it's easy to assume someone is saying something one way when they are actually saying it in another way.

You didn't really throw it out there. Throwing it out there would have been telling her that you still think about her and might want to get back together with her. Those words. Not asking her why you feel you have unfinished business. And sending it in a text makes it even worse. Of course she didn't sound like she is interested in getting back together because you didn't exactly say it either. And like I said, it is hard to determine tone in a text.

I would say your options are these: 1. Actually sit down in person with her and tell her how you feel and have an honest conversation. If she didn't care about you on some level, she would not be in touch with you or respond to you. That's just how it works. It can't be through text or email, it has to be an actual face-to-face conversation. She needs to see that you are serious and you want her back. Or 2. Completely cut her out and don't talk to her again. However, I don't think this is the better option. I think no matter what, you are better off sitting down and talking to her. Feelings always resurface without some kind of closure if #2 is your choice.

You haven't done any damage with your texts but never approach any kind of a situation with texts. They cause more trouble than good. It is clear she has interest in what you were saying by her responses to your texts. I know you don't see them in a positive way but that is because you are in the situation. Trust me, she cares about you.

Sit down with her and talk. No texts!!!! :) I hope things work out one way or another. It is important to keep in mind that she really might want to only be friends (probably not, but you never know). That will be something you will need to seriously think over. But don't stress about that unless it happens. Good luck!

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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