Lesbian Life/Lost and alone

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Question
My girl friend of 7 years just recently broke up with me and i feel completely alone. She was very important to me and we had plans to get married and have children. My whole world revolved around her and now she is out of the picture and i feel as if I can't move on.

We met when i was in high school and going through a very tough time at home. I came from a very abusive home and my mother is very un excepting of the fact that i am gay. A lot of my other gay friends are avoiding me and said they do not want to take sides. She has a large family with lots of support and she acts like this entire thing was no big deal, that breaking my heart and leaving me in pieces is perfectly ok.

I have so much frustration and anger towards her yet all i can concentrate on is how much i love her. I just don't know how to move on after such along time of loving someone. I put everything i had into this relationship and now i am alone. How do you move past all the anger and frustration?

Answer
Dear Friend,

The romantic partners we choose, always represent some or all qualities that we found in parental figures growing up. The rest of your life is then spent trying to resolve those issues which you could not resolve in your family of origin.

For those who have had an abusive or unstable childhood and early adolescence, the tasks which must be dealt with, within an adult relationship, may seem un-surmountable. The foundation, is simply not there.

Those who have grown up with abuse, neglect or abandonment, may feel abused by our partners refusal to meet our core needs, for instance. Or they may feel neglected if the significant other is not always present or abandoned, each time our lover leaves the house.

There are also some expectations, which are reasonable -- yet, because we did not get those needs met by our family of origin, we do not know to ask for something we deserve or how to set a boundary, when something hurts us. We may not even know how to express anger or hurt, in a healthy way -- and because of what behaviors are "familiar" to us, we may not choose a partner who would act appropriately either.

Once, in speaking with a friend in the mental health profession, I heard her say that she finds herself, "raising" the child within those, whose parents did not complete the responsibility of raising their children.

This is key, because, some folks may later end up having children of their own and may pass on these incorrect assumptions. It is critical therefore, that, we must have already learned all these lessons ourselves, before we get to this point.

One or even two, failures of a relationship, is a normal rite of passage. But if we continue to repeat these patterns, we must consider it a red-flag and surrender to the fact that seeing a professional, might just help.

We should endeavor on this path, sooner, rather than later.

We all want the rest of our lives to go smoother and I am here to tell you that life can be a breeze -- but getting there takes work. Hard work.

Look no more to others to soothe your pain. No one else can and some won't. Only you can create a space filled with self-love which will secure healthier relationships. It starts with you. If you don't know where to start, see someone who can guide you, on a regular basis. Till the road is paved with possibility and hope.

Lesbian Life

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Lena Torres

Expertise

Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.

Experience

Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

Organizations
FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

Education/Credentials
B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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