Lesbian Life/Wife gay?


My wife recently left me for a woman. It's been traumatic to say the least. I knew something was up. Sex was low, she wasn't climaxing and I could just feel her pulling away. I was an a_s for about a year, very negative about alot of things, not us, but father dying, money probs, newborn baby, bought a new house and she had 4 kids before we had ours.

She said she always had "feelings" like she liked girls, but said she just ingored them hoping they would go away. Was married, got divorced and married me. Married 2yrs, together 6 for us. She said my meanness made her start looking for friendship and met someone at work and they just "clicked" Now she says she's 100% gay and has no doubts and she's the sub and only receives, apparently. She left and took the kids and got a house with said girl and I found and email from her "dom" girl saying she doesn't want me buying OUR 2yr old ANYTHING for their new house and youve been riding around with that table in ur truck for 2 weeks instead of taking it back like I told you and if u respected me you would, how she (wife) was so sad when they met and she (dom) told her she thought if she took on the burden that she (wife) would be more loving and she has to cut me off cause she can't serve two masters. She (wife)was never super affectionate and has many, many gay friends and now the dom is telling her she can't see me, talk to me, refers to me as motherf_c_er and is telling her what she can do and can't and the "dom" has never been with a man. My gay friends tell me their relationship is doomed cause in the bedroom is one thing, but trying to dom in everyday life is different and wife is very smart, driven and independent.

Can this relationship last and is she likely gay after 2 marriages and 5 kids? She left her husband for me and bailed on me after having getting remarried, having a baby and a rough yr and a half we went through where I was mean, but never controlling or running her life. When her ex husband got hurt, she went and took care of him cause he's legally blind, helped and did his disability stuff (he ain't bright) and I never complained. This woman told her in the email "it's him or me. I"ll give you all I got, but you gotta piss or get off the pot cause my patience is done boo." She thinks she moved out from me physically but, not emotionally and we havent been intimate in 4 months, 2 months before I busted her and got the truth out of her. Plus, this girl is big and Im affraid wife could get physically hurt cause my gay friend said doms get really jealous and even violent if the sub doesn't do what they want and alot of her gay gf's are quite pretty. And I know all this and wife doesn't know I do and says that shes (dom) actually one my side saying wife needs to give me time and spave when email calls me muthaf_c_er and to make a choice or she will leave.

Dear Friend,

www.ssnetwk.org   -- is a network for the spouses of gays and lesbians. Avail yourself of some on-going support from this group of individuals who have been through exactly what you are up against, right now.

That is your next, best move. Log-in immediately.

Having said that, the average reader of my column would probably jump at the idea of making it clear that 'not all lesbians are similar to your wife's new love-interest' -- to that, I can only add that, she could have met another man with these exact same qualities.

There is something much more amiss with the fact that she has chosen a bully, apparently, than with the fact that she has chosen a woman.

I have talked to folks who cannot understand why an ex-partner or a friend is now in a relationship with someone seemingly abusive and not very supportive, etc. When the person could have remained in a more sane relationship. Sometimes the reasons are so deep-rooted, family of origin, familiarity -- and many other reasons.

Why would she choose this person? Something in her is feeding off of what is going on, something in this new relationship. I am here to tell you that this is not a healthy part of her, that is making these new choices.

No one can say whether she is truly a lesbian or not. Lesbian.. or gay, straight and so forth, are just labels. The person #in this case, your wife# is the only one who can ultimately say, what gender or individual she feels more comfortable with, meaning, what qualities is she looking for in a partner? Consciously or not.

Don't blame yourself. A relationship ends, when it ends. Now it is time to start the healing process for yourself.

One last observation that must be mentioned here. Domestic violence in the gay and lesbian communities, as well as in straight households - has nothing... nothing to do with a person's size, or with whether they are dominant or submissive, butch or feminine, etc, but everything to do with intimidation tactics and with how afraid the victim feels. Smaller individuals can be perpetrators and can be far more intimidating.

Don't forget to log-in and get some support from the link I provided, above... www.ssnetwk.org

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Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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