Lesbian Life/not friends first



I like a woman I work with.  I would like to find out (from her) if she looks at me as a possible romantic interest.  How can I do that?

The advice on the internet all says to become friends first.  But... I do not want to be friends.  I have made friendships with women I have been interested in and always ended up developing feelings that weren't reciprocated, and it hurt... so it was preferable to let the friendship dissolve than to pine after someone.

I know lots of people are able to "control" their feelings when they have feelings for a platonic friend but I'm not one of those people.  

We are both in our 30's.

I have managed to put some doubt in her mind that I am straight (don't want to say how) and she now seems to be "watching" me.  At least I feel that I have her attention and she's smiling a little more.

Do you have any ideas?  She may just be flattered.  Don't need another straight woman flirting with me for the fun of it, because it hurts to get my hopes up.

PS. please don't put my question in the question pool :)

Dear Friend,

Having the answer to that question, would be akin to finding the goose that lay the golden eggs. I think that if I attempt it and succeed, I will be offered the position of White House psychic.

But I digress.

I guess, what you are asking for is -- can she please reveal the secret card? So that you can see what hand she is holding, before you play your hand.

The answer is: No.

If she does like you romantically, she is likely holding off until you play the first card - too.

So my suggestion is that you be the bigger person here and reveal your own card.

Tell her you are not straight (and hopefully, you had a perfectly legitimate reason for leading her to believe that). If it was just your way of playing a little game, then let this be a lesson to you. Games, are the worse possible way to introduce yourself into a relationship.

In the end, at the very least, you will have learned the truth. If she is not interested in you that way, then you will have an opportunity to move on to someone who does like you, that way.

Word of caution: If something keeps happening to us over and over again -- it is likely not just a coincidence. If you keep meeting women who are not interested in you, who are straight or who want you only for a friend. There is a reason this is happening. We sometimes choose specific characteristics in a person, subconsciously.

It is worth examining, in depth, what is it that you are picking up on (signal-wise) that is getting you involved with these women?

You may find that it is your own fear of commitment - or something entirely different.

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Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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