I'm married to a man I Have two teenage children. My husband and I divorced 10 Yes ago Because he cheated. I finally realized I was a lesbian I got in a horrible lesbian relationship when it ended my ex and I got remarried. I based all lesbian relationships on that one and gave up on women. I thought I Would be fine never being with a woman. A yr into my marriage I fell deeply in love with another woman who is also married. She has been married for 25 yrs and she says she is deeply in love with me too but she wont leave her husband. Her and I have been together for 9 yrs we are also neighbors our husbands are good friends also. No one knows about us. I love her so much but its getting unbearable to keep sharing her but I can't stand the thought of leaving her. She says one day she will get the courage to leave but I honestly can't c it. When I try to leave her she cries And begs me not to. I am unhappy in my marriage and want to leave and I want to leave her as well if I'll never have her. I'm so confused and hurting so badly What do I do?
First -- know that you are not alone.
Please visit this link - http://www.askjoanne.net
Via this website avail yourself of as much support as possible. The support is the most basic next level you should seek. On the 'Ask Joanne' web-page, there are many others in your exact same shoes.
Next -- know that this is not an easy process. Coming out late in life, is often the result of deep-seeded feelings which have remained dormant for decades. Several theories exist as to the reason this happens. When those feelings first rise to the surface, the overwhelming avalanche of it all seems, un-surmountable.
When a woman, late in life, awakens to the reality that she has fallen in love with another woman, it seems sudden -- but in reality, it is not sudden. Now, you must view the very center of the 'Why' of it -- the why of it, for you?
For a woman in the midst of this fresh revelation, this small piece of the puzzle, is part of a long-standing and complex process of self-evolution that her whole entire life is absorbed into. I feel quite certain, that the love you feel for her, has not been your only, recent self-discovery.
Awareness is eventually, conducive to bigger growth. But it often feels very painful and desperate when it is new and in progress.
I suspect that the 'desperation' part here, is much more your girlfriend's issue, than it is yours at this moment. She may be at a different stage in her coming out process than you are.
The part where she "leaves her husband" may come much later for her than for you.
All of the above and more, is why you must look inside of you and ask: What is important to you? If you want to leave your husband - leave him. If you want to embark on a journey where you know more and more about you - I highly encourage it!
If you want to do the right thing by her and try to meet her needs and it turns out that even she, is uncertain of what she wants or needs in the end, you are in-store for an abundance of misery.
People stay in marriages for a plethora of reasons: Insecurity, financial dependency. fear of being alone, among the most common reasons.
Clearly, she "wants her cake and wants to eat it too."
Walking away from both people in your life, will give you more answers than you can possibly imagine yet.