Lesbian Life/Hot and cold?


Hi Alicia,

I have a close friend, and we share mutual affections for each other. But lately she's been playing hot and cold, and I'm so confused as to what to do! I don't want to confront her about it because I'm not sure she will react in a way that I'll like, and I'm afraid of that.

Recently I couldn't reply to a message she sent me for about a week but that was because university was killing me with tests and assignments. And I told her that, but now, she doesn't reply to any of my messages till a few days later even though the screen indicates that she's seen my message, and both of us are actually very punctual with replies.

So I don't know if she's acting like this because of what I've done?? And she wants to "punish" me? And I do feel like I want to do the same thing to her now, so I don't come off as too eager. But I guess that digs a bigger hole...
I just don't understand her logic! Is it because she needs space or is she playing it 'cool'?

Thanks, A

Hi Alison,

You should be very careful of people who run hot and cold. They will always hurt you.

It sounds like she is playing games. A true friend, someone who really cares about you, would understand that you couldn't respond to messages. Someone who is selfish or playing games, will make the situation all about them.

Don't play the games. It always makees the situation worse. Maybe you need to confront her about it and let her react in the way you are afraid to see and hear. That should be some of your answer right there. When you're dealing with a person who is right for you, whether they be friend or significant other, you never have to worry about a response or a conversation because they will love you unconditionally. Obviously, your gut is trying to tell you something (by being afraid). Always listen to your gut.

I would say to either confront her (in a nice way) about the situation or give her space to cool off. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whatever you do, don't play games and always be honest and offer honest conversations over games. The right person for you will always choose conversation instead of games.

Good luck. If i missed the mark, feel free to follow-up and I'll try again.

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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