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Lesbian Life/Questioning & Frustrated


I'm a 42 year old female who was married twice to men and have 2 fabulous children. Two years ago I unexpectedly developed a crush on a female co-worker that was highly flirtatious but ended abruptly due to betrayal & she unexpectedly outed me to peers and co-workers out of anger and that was the beginning and the end. I have spent the past two years in this questioning limbo. Am I lesbian? Am I "her" lesbian? What I do know is that she opened a door that I am reluctant to close & slowly but surely, things feel like they make sense. I have not been in a relationship with anyone in 10+ years and used work and school to avoid relationships as a whole. I am aware that you don't have to have sex to know what you want, but I feel like I need to have clarity. I am desperate to date, but how do you date when you are not completely sure who you want to be with and lying to is not an option.  I really don't know what to do & after 2 years my patience is running out. How do I move forward? I just feel like I've waited my entire life in the dark & I really don't want to wait another 10 years to be in a relationship again.

Hi Morena,

What you are feeling is very common so don't feel alone with all of this. Maybe you want to be in a relationship with a woman, maybe you don't and that's okay. I would recommend for you to go on a few dates with women and feel out the situation. Online dating really isn't a bad step to take or gay bars are a pretty good step too.

Several years ago, I lived in an area where there weren't many gay people. I used and found myself going on several dates. I was very reluctant to use online dating but I reached a point where I realized I would never meet anyone if I didn't. I actually ended up having one very long term relationship with a woman I met on match. In this day and age though, use caution with online dating. It seems like you can't trust anyone anymore. Always meet in a well lit and populated place (several times) and make sure the person is who they say they are. A friend of mine used to use craigslist as well. She had a lot of success with that and that's where she met her now wife. Gay and lesbian bars aren't bad either because it gets you out and socializing and it gets you in the gay social scene. Someone always has a friend you would be perfect for.

Don't get discouraged if you don't meet someone you are instantly "in" to. Sometimes you have to date around for bit and meet other people before you find someone you are interested in- it just never hurts to get out there a little bit and have fun until you meet the right people.

Don't jump right in though. Take your time and enjoy all the things you've been missing for so long. You'll know if something is right or not. Just be open and honest with people and you'll be just fine. Remember, when you're truly ready for the person you are meant to be with, you will find each other. Until then, just get out there and have fun and learn from each experience.

I hope this helps and if I missed the mark, feel free to follow-up with me. I wish you lots of luck. :)

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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