You are here:

Lesbian Life/Should I still proceed?

Advertisement


Question
Hi Lena,
I have been crushing on this friend of mine for months and have recently decided to tell her about this in this coming summer break. I have always thought that she is interested in me too although when I think back now, I feel like I was cheating and overestimating myself. Well, I did some testing on her by texting her today and it turned out that she did not make the effort to maintain the conversation between us. She would have if she likes me too, right? Well, it has always been me who initiates the conversations and I feel like I am such a nuisance to her, so I always try to make my messages sweet and short. I was so disappointed then and am now reconsidering the idea of letting her know because the risk of rejection is too great . Should I still let her know? I am very scared of rejection because I went through hell lots of pain when I was rejected by another friend years ago but I really like this girl. But I might not be able to handle the heartbreak and pain if she doesn't like me back. Is it better to just suppress my feelings for her even though it's hard? Is it unwise to put myself out there when I know I will hurt myself? Please tell me what I should do. Thanks.

Answer
Dear Friend,

If you are getting a gut-feeling like you might be a "nuisance" to her, don't ignore it. Our gut, is usually so much wiser than our brain.

But, more importantly - humans are sexual beings and we are programmed to seek a mate.

So, when we walk into a room, there are a thousand covert signals that we pick up from each person we meet. Sometimes, we think we might like the person and as time passes we may detect things that seem like games, lies, or other signals that simply don't sit well with us, as individuals and for no apparent reason.

If she liked you, you would have had some inkling to this effect from her behavior or from something she said -- or she might even have just told you by now.

My advise -- Let this go! The reason, if your gut knows it, consider it a fact. A caveat though -- Don't confuse gut feelings with fear.

What you should not ignore, is this traumatic reaction you have when you are rejected by others. Stay with that. Consider talking to someone, on a deeper level, about that.

Our reaction to rejection is not usually sheer joy and gratitude -- but it would be healthier not to be this attached to the outcome. Always consider that there is a possibility of experiencing rejection(for whatever reason) and in any scenario in life. Sometimes, it is not because we are objectionable to another person, at all, but just the opposite.

For example -- I recently heard of a TV actress who was picked for a major role, based on her less than perfect(unconventional) looks. The character required it.

I highly recommend that you practice, practice, practice -- with anything that you feel would be 'taking a risk.' After it happens, act-as-if -- dust yourself off and get back on the horse (figuratively speaking).

In the incomparable words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "You must do the thing you cannot do."

Lesbian Life

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Lena Torres

Expertise

Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.

Experience

Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

Organizations
FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

Education/Credentials
B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.