Lesbian Life/What should I do?
I got rejected by my good friend after confessing to her years ago as she said it was wrong to be homosexual. It took me long to move on. It was really hurtful. Since then, I am very afraid to love or even like any girls now as to me, love means pain. Everything was fine until I met this girl in my new college. Initially, we were like any other friends and we felt very happy around each other. However, after I found out that I had fallen in love with her, I started avoiding and ignoring her. The pain of the past rejection has affected me too damn much. I am really vexed; a part of me wants to tell her, hoping that my love is reciprocated and even if it isn't, we can maybe go back to being friends again, but another part tells me that I won't be able to handle the pain if she rejects me..
We are not that close. We could have become good friends but since I started avoiding her, everything has been ruined. Every time she makes an effort to have a chat with me, I would just treat her coldly. There was once when I walked past her and she wanted to say hi to me but I just looked away and pretended that I didn't see her. I could tell that she was disappointed. What kind of friend does this? I am selfish; I am hurting her so that she won't have the chance to hurt me in the future. I don't want to do this to her actually, it hurts me to have to do this but I don't have a choice. All I want is just for her to be happy but I am wrecking everything instead..
I have done quite a lot of things for her; I would text her and send her jokes to make her happy when she feels upset; buy souvenirs for her when I go traveling; buy food for her when she is busy with her studies and has no time for meals; find information for her when she doesn't understand any piece of the lecture and so forth.. I think she would have suspected that I like her; all these are just beyond what a normal friend would do. I am being hot and cold to her and she doesn't dare to approach me too much now. It is very tiring having to pretend to not care when you do care. I can't help but blame myself for being such an ass to her, she has done nothing wrong after all. Half of me really wants to be with her but another half says I don't stand a chance at all because I am neither good-looking nor smart, I just have a heart that cares for her. I really hope I can find a way to face her and treat her like how I treat my other friends and save this friendship..
But I only have another 2 years here and I have to go back to my own country after completing my studies here. Should I just put aside all my thoughts and affection for her since we will need to separate no matter it works out between us or not. I really, really love her. I would do anything to be with her. Please tell me what I should do. I have been feeling really depressed and I have tried seeking help from any source I could find but none helped. Should I just be honest with her and confess to her? What if she rejects me and tells others about my sexuality? What if she feels unhappy about this and decides to avoid me? I don't want to make her college life miserable because of my selfish desire. Should I just suppress my feelings for her and bear with the pain for another 2 years? I thought of ending my life before. My life is such a mess.. Please help..
Well, you are very understandably scared to be hurt again after your experience with your friend but not everyone is like her. You can't spend your whole life scared to ask someone out or tell them how you feel because someone in your past thought it was wrong to be gay. You deserve to be happy and the only way that will happen is for you to take chances and pursue women you are interested in. Everyone, gay or straight, has pursued at least one person who rejected them. You get back on the horse and try again. It is scary for everyone when they pursue someone else or tell them how they feel. It's even scarier when you are a sensitive person (as you seem to be) but you can do it. Just think of how different your life will be if you be bold and put yourself out there with someone you like. :)
I would tell your friend everything. You could write her a letter. Sometimes it is easier to say the things you need to say in a letter. It gives the other person time to think about everything and there is no awkward face-to-face. You should tell her that you're gay, what happened with your former friend, your feelings for her and why you're pushing her away. Just be honest. You have nothing to lose. You're already pushing her away and the friendship is strained right now. Even if she doesn't like you back, she'll more than likely still want your friendship. Friendships can bounce back from stuff like this and it makes the friendship stronger. You'll be fine. You'll also feel better getting everything out in the open instead of holding it all in. And don't expect an answer from her immediately, she may want some time to process everything and respond appropriately.
I hope this helps. I promise, you'll be ok after all of this. If I can help you further, feel free to follow-up. I wish you lots of luck.