Lesbian Life/Does she like me?

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Question
I have been friends with this girl for about four years and I really liked her as a friend. About a year ago she explained to me that she was a lesbian which wasn't a surprise. She dated her best friend and when they broke up, also a year ago, they never spoke again and she was torn. Since then, our relationship changed we became more open. We would cuddle all the time in bed and around the house, were more open being with each other in our bras and panties. Then we began discussing marriage and all the aspects of it; family, sex, careers, etc. We call each other pet names, she calls me princess and we identify to each other as wives. After this discussion, she came out to her mother as gay and her mother kicked her out the house. I had been holding it in too long as is and told her that I like her. She told me that she didn't see us in a relationship, but knew I liked her because we spent a day planning our future together, I was crushed. After things escalated, we continued doing what we did before. She then began spoiling me, she bought me things, ordered for me at restaurants, would drive me to the front buildings of places so I wouldn't have to walk all the way, did my laundry, opened doors along, and held my hand with some other things. We have these joking arguments whenever we speak about other girls in our lives that include jealousy. Her parents have accused of dating and our friends have as well. I am completely confused to as of what is going on in our relationship? Does she like me? Or is this just our friendship? How do I handle me still liking her, but knowing what she told me about not seeing us in a relationship a year ago?

Answer
Hi Tiffany,

Well, first I would say that you need to take what this girl said to you at face value- she doesn't see the two of you in a relationship. The thing is, if someone wants to be with you (romantically), they will be with you. There is no confusion about what is going on and they don't say things like "I don't see us in a relationship". Maybe something has changed with her feelings over the past year but until she says so, I wouldn't make any assumptions. You could always have an honest conversation with her and talk about things again to see if her feelings have changed. You can't be afraid to have an honest conversation with someone you want to have a romantic relationship with.

Like I said, maybe her feelings have changed but I'm going to tell you a story about my best friend that might help you figure out your situation. My best friend, Jen, was really good friends with a girl named Erin. They are both lesbians and have known each other since they were little kids. They didn't hang out much during junior high and high school but ran into each other when they were in their early 20's. They started spending lots of time together which turned in to all their time together. Erin would bring Jen meals at work, stop in at work to keep her company, and call and text all the time. Jen was totally in love with Erin. Erin however, just wanted to be friends. Everyone thought they were dating. They did everything together. They had sleepovers (nothing sexual), spend holidays together, everything involved with a romantic relationship except for the physical stuff. Even though Erin told Jen she didn't want a romantic relationship with her, Jen hung around hoping her mind would change because of the friendship they did have that seemed romantic. Jen was lonely and had been single for awhile and the attention she got from Erin was enough to keep her coming back. This went on for a few years. Jen didn't date anyone because she was content with the relationship she had with Erin. Erin dated behind Jen's back. Erin acted jealous when Jen said someone was attractive or if someone flirted with her but Erin still didn't want a romantic relationship with Jen. After a few years, Erin was possessive of Jen but for whatever reason, didn't want a romantic relationship with Jen and couldn't let her go so she could find someone who did want a romantic relationship with her (Jen). Ultimately, the "relationship" ended badly because one person was possessive and stringing the other person along and the other person spent a few years following around someone who would never have romantic feelings for her.

The point to this story is, maybe your girl's feelings have changed toward you but if they haven't, you need to realize what is really going on. Have a talk with her and see what she says. If her feelings have changed for you, great, you get your relationship and lots of happiness (which you deserve). However, if her feelings toward you haven't changed, then you need to move on and have a normal friendship with this girl because you're on a very emotionally unhealthy path. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and isn't going to string you along for years. I've seen this happen quite a bit and I hope that it isn't happening to you but if it is, you need to be aware.

I hope this helps. If not, go ahead and follow-up and I'll see if I can help further. I wish you well.

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Alicia Thompson

Expertise

I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.

Experience

I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

Organizations
I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

Education/Credentials
I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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