Lesbian Life/Girlfriend troubles


Hi Alicia. I just want an outsiders perspective on this. Im 20 years old and I am fully aware that im a lesbian since i was 7. I am in a long distance relationship with my first girlfriend for 4 years now. she is bisexual, 21 years old and I am her first girlfriend too . We only see each other every two months at least and sometimes even 4-6 months cause we're busy with college and whatnot. Im in Ireland  and she is from Spain.

She told me already before when we decided to be together that she is curious about men sexually. Until now she has not acted upon it yet. We broke up before 2 years ago for 1 month because she rekindled with her ex..yes she cheated and i thought that was it, time for her to try it with him but she didn't cause she realized she loves me.so we got back together and then again, She took a vacation to Ibiza for a week one time and she opened up about having sex with a man again so i broke up with her cause probably this time it can happen.. anything could happen but she didnt agree about the suggestion of break up and she didnt end up having sex at all.

Finally, last night she opened up about her curiosity again because she wants to know herself what she likes before she settles down with me and to be sure with me. She said and i quote "im 21 years old and i still haven't figured out what i want, i cant be together with you for another 10 years for example if i didn't try it with a guy and miss out". Here's the twisted part. She still wants us to be together while she is out looking for the opportunity. So basically an open relationship.Her desire to have sex with a man is growing strong and probably it also has something to do with the distance between us.. maybe she just lacks physical intimacy i really dont know. Anyway she told me that she loves me but for me its selfish to be together with her knowing that  she will be out fucking him and telling me the next day about it. She is probably used to me taking her back all the time with open arms.SO yes i dont want an open relationship she should know by now out of breaking up with her in the past so she can go through what she desires to do. For me its right to end things cause I know myself i cant take the pain. What do you think?? Please state your opinion, thank you :)


It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want and what you need to do. I've been in a similar situation and I think you are doing the right thing.

I had an ex who also liked men and would break-up with me a couple of times a year so she could date men for a month and then run back to me. It is very painful and you deserve better than that. If I could go back in time and change things, I would have walked away from my ex the second she talked about wanting to date men. Save yourself the hurt and walk away from this situation.

Long distance relationships are hard enough without having to throw in her curiosity with men. Have you thought about dating someone who lives closer to you who you would see on a regular basis and would only want to sleep with you?

That is another thing with your situation. It isn't even that she is curious about sex with a man, she is thinking about having sex with another person. That is wrong when you are in a relationship. The right person for you will only want to be with you and won't have curiosity for anyone else.

It's great that you know that you can't take the pain and you shouldn't have to. If she really loved you and respected your relationship she wouldn't want you to have any pain at all. But, she is being selfish and looking out for her wants and needs only. You need to be with someone who puts your wants and needs first or at least equal with theirs.

I can't really tell you what to do, you need to do what feels right for you and what your heart and head tell you to do. If I was in your place, yes, I would walk away from the relationship and find someone who lived closer and wanted to be with me and only me.

I know it's hard to not take an ex back after a break-up. I'm the queen of getting back together with an ex and the same thing happens over and over. Don't let yourself do that again. You deserve better than that. When you let her go make sure it is final. It is really hard but just keep reminding yourself how much you hurt because of her and if you keep taking her back, it will just hurt more.

I hope this helps. I wish you lots of luck. It sounds like you already know what you want and what you need to do. You'll be fine. Just stay strong and put yourself first for a little while. Take care.

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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