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Lesbian Life/My fiance loves me but doesn't like that I'm fat.


My fiancť and I met online. I wasnít at all honest in the beginning about what I looked like. I am overweight. I was researching to write a book. I didnít mean to fall for her. Within a week of talking to her I told her the truth and she said she didnít want to talk to me anymore.  I understood.  I respected that.  I left her alone.  A week later she called me and asked if we could give it a try. I said yes. We met in person. We fell in love. We have been together 3 years now. We live with each other. We are engaged and plan to marry. She says she loves me and I know that she does. She is honest and will say that she still does not like that I am overweight. We have a great sex life and always have. She says being with me sexually is the best sex she has ever had.  She says she never loved anyone as much as me.  I feel the same.  Yet, throughout our relationship she has been ashamed of me. She hid me from her family.  She would act like she didnít know me in front of strangers. She was embarrassed for her ex to see me. She says she is no longer embarrassed and her behavior has improved. Still, this has hurt me greatly. I donít feel safe with her or accepted.  I am trying to lose weight.  I know she loves me and I know she canít change what she likes but Iím sad.  Yet, I love her.  Maybe I expect too much or Iím asking for too much.  I get angry at times because she chose to call me back 3 years ago and asked to be with me.  I know I shouldnít have lied for that week.  That was so wrong.  I tried to fix what I did.  But now we are in love but I know she just tolerates what I look like.  She doesnít say harsh things to me.  She isnít mean.  She tries to encourage me to lose weight.  She says if I never lose weight she will stay. Other than this...we are each others ideal partner.  But I may always be fat and her thoughts about that will never change.  Is it worth the sadness?


First of all, don't beat yourself up for not being completely honest about what you looked like when you first started talking to your significant other. Most people don't start off with the truth when they meet someone online and you did eventually come clean anyway so it doesn't matter anymore. It is in the past and it should stay there. :)

If your relationship was truly happy or ideal for you, you wouldn't have sent me this email. It seems like you are unhappy in your relationship, and quite honestly, reading what you sent, I would expect you to be unhappy.

It's great that you're trying to lose weight but are you doing it for yourself or are you doing it to please your partner? When you are with the right person, you never have to change yourself for them. They love you just as you are. I'm sure she does love you, but if she really, truly loved you, she would never have been ashamed of you. When a person loves someone, they want everyone to know. This relationship might not be healthy.

Have you talked with her about how you feel, how she has made you feel all along, and your concerns? That is always a good place to start. My parents' relationship sounds kind of like yours. My mom is very overweight and my dad is not. During my whole childhood, I watched my mother feel shame about herself because of how my dad treated her. He was ashamed to be seen in public with her and wouldn't go with her to events she had for work. He would occasionally make comments to her about her weight. They loved each other (still married over 40 years) but my mom was always sad and there was a lot of tension. They've reached an age now that neither of them care anymore which I guess is good. And my mom has lost some weight over recent years due to health issues but that has nothing to do with you so let's move on. :)

I have witnessed another situation like yours. A friend of mine who is very thin and fit, met a woman online who was extremely overweight. My friend was a little unsure about getting into a relationship with this woman because of her weight. It wasn't so much her appearance (it was a little though) but more about my friend being active and loving hikes and the gym and wanting a partner who enjoyed that stuff as well. Ultimately, my friend just really liked this woman and they have been together for 7 years now (married for 3). My friend never mentioned the weight again after the first few months of dating because it no longer mattered to her.

I shared these two stories because I wanted to show you that you're not alone. I would think after 3 years together, you would be at the point in your relationship where you are comfortable and can just be yourself and happy but it doesn't sound like you are. Even if her behavior has changed, the damage is done from early on in your relationship. And it isn't all about your happiness either, is your partner happy in the relationship?

I would recommend having a long talk with your partner. Bring all this stuff up, everything you said to me. Healthy relationships can talk about this stuff or anything. She needs to know how she has made you feel and you need to know if she is really happy with you. My other piece of advice is never, never, never lose weight for someone else. Only do it for yourself and your health. Never change yourself for someone else. The right person will love you no matter what! I wish you all the best and I hope everything works out for both of you. I hope this helped! Take care!

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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