Lesbian Life/Not quite over her....


Dear Alicia

Thank you for reading this!

So...I've been having difficulty getting over my ex. We started dating late 2011 and ended up breaking up early 2013. We wanted different things - I wanted commitment and she wasn't ready to settle down. It was quite a messy break up, with me feeling unwanted and frustrated and her feeling pressured into having a relationship that she didn't want/wasn't ready for.

Although we broke up we still spoke (nothing intimate at all) for a few months and I think she missed having me around but she still didn't want what I wanted. So I met somebody else...never intending on it being anything (we are still together today) and when I told her she was very upset! She felt betrayed that I hadn't told her sooner that I was seeing somebody else and we prompted stopped all contact.

Now, although I was seeing someone else...I missed her! Apart from an intimate relationship, we had a friendship and I missed having her in my life. However, I gave her her space and carried on with my life.

Eventually, late 2013 I got a text from her saying that she was talking to her now girlfriend about me and decided that it was time to "forgive me" *rolls eyes* and that she wanted to put it all behind us and that we could be cordial!

However, when ever I would message her she would be quite distant - reply with very generic responses- and so I got bored of attempting to have a friendship with her.

Despite all this, I really miss her. I don't know if I just miss having her in my life or miss her on a deeper level..but I do. Her name pops up all the time - I notice it on TV, books I'm reading, the radio etc (her name isn't that common)!

I happened to see her in a gay party a few weeks ago but I was with my current woman and so it was very awkward and we didn't speak to each other, despite definitely recognizing each other! And I haven't heard from her since...

I just don't know what to do. My current partner treats me 100000% better than my previous but I still do really miss her. I don't know if I should speak to her...tell her how I feel...maybe make amends....but surely I can't go on like this forever! Its already been a year and I still clearly have some sort of feelings for her...I just don't know what those feelings are.

Hi Steph,

Your situation sounds exactly like a situation I had with one of my exes so I'm going to use that situation to try and help you out with your situation.

It is very normal to miss the friendship you had with an ex. Sometimes, the missed friendship is mistaken for lingering feelings for an ex. With my ex, she was my first love and I had a hard time letting go. I knew we weren't compatible but I couldn't stop thinking about how great things were when we were first together. I wanted to make it work. But, she wasn't really a relationship kind of woman and she would only let herself get so close to me before she would push me away. I don't think she intended to, but after we broke up, she started playing games like the generic responses in texts and emails. She would tell me she never wanted to talk to me again and a week later send me a text or email only to restate a week later that she never wants to speak to me again. Turns out, she was just as confused about her feelings toward me as I was with her. Ultimately, the best thing was for us to not speak for several years. We are friends now and talk occasionally. The woman I thought I would never get over doesn't even cross my mind anymore unless she reaches out to me.

The thing to look at is how your current girlfriend treats you. That is what a relationship is all about. Why would you want to go backwards into a bad relationship when you are in a great one right now? If your ex wanted to be with you, you would have heard from her after you saw her at the party. Trust me on that. She would have had something to say after seeing you with your current girlfriend.

I would suggest letting your ex go. Don't talk to her and try not think about her. There can be a friendship between you two in the future, you just need to let the rest of your romantic feelings for her be put to rest and the only thing that can make that happen is time. Enjoy being with your current girlfriend and appreciate the friendship you share with her. I know it is hard when you miss someone but she more than likely hasn't changed and you two don't sound compatible (your ex and you). I hope this helps and if not, send me a follow-up and I'll try to help further. I wish you all the best!

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Alicia Thompson


I can answer questions about lesbian relationships, dating, coming out, what to do if you like someone who isn't a lesbian, and how to know if you or someone else is a lesbian. I am also willing to be a friendly ear to anyone who just needs someone to talk to-sometimes that is all we need.


I am a lesbian and have lived openly for over 15 years. I had to figure lesbian life out on my own because it wasn't socially acceptable when I came out. I belonged to gay clubs in college and have pretty much seen it all in the gay community. i am currently in a very happy lesbian relationship but I had to date a lot of toads before I found my princess. I've always been the advice giver for my friends. I just like to see people happy and talking to someone on the outside of the situation usually helps.

I volunteer for the local YMCA and served as a Big Sister until the local chapter ran out of money and closed.

I have an Associate's Degree in Humanities and a Bachelor's Degree in Speech Communications.

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