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Lesbian Life/confused about relationship


Hi Lena,
Some background first: I am a 56 year old lesbian and wanted to gain some more friendships, just to hang or go out to eat or movies. I'm a social worker and had been friendly with one of the housekeepers at our facility, she is 48.  Back in Jan of this year I asked her if she would like to get together outside of work and see a movie.  She accepted, and the first thing that came out of her mouth when I picked her up was that she was a lesbian. I have been open with my co-workers that I am a lesbian but had no idea that she knew this and she has not shared the fact she is a lesbian with anyone other than her daughter and mother. She has never been in a relationship with a woman before.  After the movie she came back to my home and we talked for over 2 hours about being a lesbian and accepting oneself.
She and I became close friends after this and spent quite a bit of time together.  This eventually led to us having a sexual relationship.  Over the last three months I have found myself falling very hard for her.  She has told me that she loves me but doesn't believe she will ever be in love with someone again,( she had horrendous relationship with the father of her   daughter.) She has also made statements that she will like to date other women.
My confusion comes with her mixed messages---for the last 3 months we either see each other every day she will come to my home or I will go to hers or she will call me on the phone. We do things together, talk, and also have sex at least 2 or more times per week. Our sexual relationship is wonderful and she tells me how much I spoil her for others and make her feel comfortable and sexy.  She sure acts like she may be in love with me but with what she said about not falling in love or at some point wanting to date other women should I pull back or hope her feelings change.
Thank you for any insights you have,

Dear Friend,

She has spoken. Granted, in much fewer words than you expected, but what she has said is that: She simply does not feel the same way about you, as you feel about her. She may be hiding her dreadful truth about her fear of being alone, dying alone... or whatever opinion of 'aloneness' she may have. No need to second-guess her intentions or her 'true, underlying, feelings." She has presented her truth to you, as she would like for you to know it. Only she, herself; can decide her own feelings. At 48, most of us know what we feel and what we want and if she doesn't by now, then the problem may be more deep-seeded than we can tell.

You are a social worker, so you probably already suspect that there is a bit more to her, than you are willing to admit to yourself. That's fine, our own truth takes time to absorb, usually.

She seems wonderful and what is between you, sounds great on the surface. But the big red flag about her readiness that I am picking up on here, just from your letter, is her hesitation about coming out. I am willing to bet that much of this, is less about how her family, her friend and co-workers might react and a lot more about how she has internalized her own lesbianism. Maybe living the rest of her life, in domestic bliss, with another woman, is not something she can allow herself to imagine, at all. Also, the bit about her father's daughter -- it screams core-issues to me. Not about 'him' at all, but about her.

One can tell very little sometimes, from the brief text of a two-paragraph letter. There might be a lot more here than meets the eye. I have been called "perceptive" on matters of human relationship.

But -- it is you -- not she, who is asking for advise here. In fact, she seems oblivious about the possibility that there is any problem with her at all. So, the best help, support and humble opinion, I can offer is: Spend less and less time around her, in longer and longer increments, doing the things that bring you joy and fulfillment personally (aside from her). Remember that she is not your responsibility. Sometimes -- 'the-one' comes along, exactly right after, we let the one we think is 'the-one' go.

Stay connected to yourself - breathe! And know that-- Beautiful things are in progress all around you. Notice them. And then, notice them, again. You, are one of those things.  

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Lena Torres


Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day life. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer readers to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help on these issues). No questions with sexual content, especially from under-age readers.


Worked within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

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