Lesbian Life/confused about relationship
My partner & I have been together for the past 12 years, and lived together for about the past 11. A few weeks ago she told me that she needed a break from me, & that she wanted to go out hang out with friends and have fun. She said she is frustrated with me because we don't sleep in the same bed (she snores like a freight train, & I can't function at work without adequate sleep), & we don't have sex very often. She would ideally like to have sex daily, but I have a much lower libido, some of which is due to some medical issues. For the past 3-4 years, I have been dealing with several injuries & subsequent surgeries which have made both of those things nearly impossible anyway. Apparently now we are officially broken up.
Even though she knew when we got together that I never wanted kids, all of a sudden she is saying that she wants them. I tried considering the idea for quite awhile, but I keep coming back to the same answer. We are both older, we work jobs with crazy and unpredictable schedules, neither of us make that much money & we are living paycheck to paycheck as it is, we don't have room in our current place, and although we have been looking, we haven't found a house we like or can afford. I just don't think it would be fair to bring a young child/baby into our lives if we cannot devote the time to them that they deserve. We have 2 puppies, and she barely spends time with them, and I'm the one who takes care of them for the most part.
I told her that I was going to need to move out within the next few mths, & she is telling me I don't have to. She asked me if I told my parents, & when I said I did, her concern is that she doesn't want my family to hate her. I just don't understand what is going on. She will be turning 40 soon (I am 41), & part of me thinks this is a midlife crisis that she will eventually snap out of (she recently got her first tattoo, has been buying all sorts of new jewelry and clothes, etc), but I don't know if I can put myself through all of this hurt & pain, and put up with her secrets & nasty comments for much longer. I'm still in love with her, and I still love her, but I don't know what to do.
I have suggested that we try counseling to help work out some of our problems, but she refused, telling me it's not going to change my mind about not wanting kids. Her mother has even called me and asked me what is wrong with her, if I'm doing ok, and has said she is keeping me in her thoughts and prayers!
Any advice would be welcome at this point!
Thanks in advance for any help you can offer!
Hi AnnMarie, thank you for coming to me.
I appreciate the position you are in! It is not an easy one. 12 years is a fair whack of your life, that you have spent together.
In all honesty though, if she is being mean and nasty to you, and still wanting you to be in your home, I dont see how you can stay. That is not a happy environment, and if she is off out and about doing what she wants to do, and you are not, then can you honestly say that you are happy?
You have offered up the option of having counselling to see if you can sort your problems out, and she has said it will not change her mind. That is quite telling in itself dont you think? If she is not willing to try and sort out a relationship that has lasted 12 years, then you need to sort yourself out, and move on with your life.
Putting some space between the two of your, may be a good thing. It might afford you both the time and space to either realise that you should be together, or that moving on is the way forward. Staying in the same house with each other though, as i mentioned above, while she is out and about and doing what she wants, while you dont, is not healthy. You need your space and you also need to find out who you are again. That will take time. Dont forget the puppies either! :)
Something you said above - she mentioned she didnt want you telling your family that you had split up. why? she wants to do her own thing now, why should it matter if your family as aware or not? she is not the only one in the relationship and your feelings DO matter here too. you need support too, and your family IS your support. Never ever let anyone else dictate to you, how you should feel or be, or what you should want out of life. My opinions here are just that opinions, with a small amount of personal insight as well. you need to do what is right for you.
I think you are possibly right in that she is going through some form of midlife crisis. Let her get it out of her system. Dont worry yourself too much about what she gets up to, you are split up now. Get you own place, move out, and make your own way and find your peace. you need to look after yourself and try and get yourself healthy again at the pace that YOU need. Sex is sex. You dont have to have sex all the time. There is more to a relationship than just sex which i am sure you know. Personally, I am in the same boat as you - one has high libido the other has low or none. Thing is, we talk a lot. and communication is the key in all relationships. My wife knows how i feel and i know how she feels. We deal with our differences because that is how you function as a couple isnt it. If you cannot, then it is not meant to be. There is nothing wrong with figuring this sort of things out after a long period of time with someone. Rather that than being constantly unhappy with each other.
I suspect that you know what you have to do for you. I have offered a few thoughts,which I hope will help but if not, please come back and I will try again.
Remember you are also important. You never sacrifice how you feel because of someone else, or what you want, for someone else. your happiness is important too, dont forget that.
Take care and like I said, please come back if I can be of any more assistance.