Expert: Maenad Loyce - 11/23/2006

Question
 Hello Maenad Loyce,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

My wife and I have been married for about 2 and  half years now, and have been together for 5 years altogether. Even when we first started dating, we did not have a lot of sex. I hot some health issues that made me have a very low Testosterone production, so my sexual appetite was quite low and therefor I wasn't feeling like I was missing anything.
I started receiving Testosterone Therapy about a year before we wed, and at about that same time, sex in our relationship dropped to a minimum. Maybe about once ever 2-4 months. She no longer wanted any foreplay, and would just lie on her back and say "if you want to do this you better do this now before I go to bed.".

I thought this was just a phase she was going through, so I didn't think much of it. I would talk to her about it, but I would try to be very supportive. She always seemed to crave sex so much when she was drinking, but without alcohol she didn't even want me to touch her in any sexual way. Almost like it was dirty to her.

He had sex on our honeymoon once (she was drunk), and then we didn't have sex for "8 MONTHS" after. During this time we talked about the lack of intimacy in our marriage, and what we could do together to help get over this issue in out relationship.

Anyway, let me get to the point... At this time in our marriage, there is almost no sexual intimacy at all. She doesn't want me to touch her in any sexual way, she never uses her tongue when we kiss, she doesn't touch my sexually at all of course, and she tells me that she is still very attracted to me, and that she just doesn't have any desire for sex at all. She says she doesn't even pleasure herself.

She has been to the doctors, and the did blood tests, and all her Estrogen, and testosterone levels are with normal ranges, she doesn't take anti-depressants, and she said she has never had any sort of bad sexual event happen to her in the past. I have tried to make a point of not bothering her too much about this, in hopes to not make it worse then it already is, but she doesn't lift a finger to try and help.

She has been going out with her best friend, who is in the middle of a separation from her husband, about once to twice a week. They go out to the clubs and drink and dance. From all the pictures I have seen, they mostly just dance with each other, and they are very close as friends. She calls her "Babe" on the phone, and says "I love you" to her all the time. Sounds the same as she talks to me really. And last night when my wife dropped her friend off at her place, her friend wanted her to stay the night, and according to the words my wife used she said, "You don't want to stay the night and keep me company?" And my wife said no, "No. I'm going to go home and sleep in my own bed." And her friend said, "You can stay here and sleep in the bed with me."

Now I know that if anything it sounds more like her friend has some question about her own sexuality, but for the past 2 years I have seen little signs that my wife is interested in women, even though she says, "No way!" when I asked her.

Maybe I'm just trying hard to come up with answers as to way she doesn't want to touch me or have me touch her. But, I feel that she wants to be with her friend more then she wants to be with me lately, and sometimes she stays over at her house. It just seems to spark the question in my mind.

Do you know if there are any signs that I should be looking for? I know if my wife was interested in women she would keep it to herself as best she can. She comes from a family that would not accept her if she was a lesbian. And I'm sure she would feel bad because of our situation. I would love for her to go to a therapist, but she doesn't seem too up for that.

Anyway, thanks for any help you can give.

Chris

Answer
Thank you for including so much information about your situation. There are obviously a lot of issues going on and it's important for me to understand the whole picture.

It seems to me that the issues around sex in your relationship are far deeper and more comprehensive than just sexual orientation alone would account for. Your wife might have self-esteem or body-image issues, too, and I'm wondering if you both just aren't that sexual. It happens more often than one might think.

In our culture having sex regularly and often is seen as the norm and if you're not getting it then there's something wrong. One must pursue any means to increase the quantity of sexual encounters. Frankly, I think that's ridiculous. I've been in relationships where we had sex every other day and ones where we didn't have sex for months on end and either were just fine for us both.

Her increased sexual appetite when drinking is curious, though, since alcohol is a depressant but it also breaks down inhibitions. What those inhibitions might be is anyone's guess but an attraction to women would definitely fall into the realm of possibility. She may have been in denial of her feelings right from the start. Your description of her behavior lately would suggest she's definitely looking for something out there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's no real way to tell if your wife is questioning her sexuality, denying an attraction to women even to herself, has some other problem around sex or just plain isn't interested. I do detect a tendency on her part to avoid the issue altogether which could indicate any or all of the above but if she won't deal with it there's not a lot you can do.

I know you're trying hard to understand where she's coming from but sometimes there just isn't any easy answer. Therapy would be the obvious answer but she has closed that door. The only suggestion I have for you is to keep talking. Be non-judgmental and open to saying even the most difficult things without blame or shame. Perhaps she might open up to you eventually.

Good Luck, Chris