Expert: Vicky - 2/27/2005

Question
Thanks Vicky..... I am very pleased with your answer...I guess I am hoping that my wife becomes Bi....I know this sounds NUTS but....it really turns me on and I know it turns her on and I think she is just shy to admit it.... How can I make sure her first experience is a really great one and pleasureable?? and I really want her to have fun....I mean that sincerely.... I don't want to lose my marriage but I do want to have fun and want my wife to have fun as well.....should I have her first time be a one on one experience?? or should I be there too?? I am thinking one on one may be more relaxing for her so she can really explore and not have me there watching...? If you can give me some pointers...do's and don't s....I'd really appreciate it....like I said I really hope this turns into a Bi experience because I don';t have any problems with her sleeping with another woman....I know she loves me but .... I want here to have someone when I am not available....and NOT another man.... I don't know..does this sound Nuts??? I am trying to make this a great experience and really want here to enjoy herself and if she is bi or thinking about it....don't want her to be turned off or mistreated....Please help and offer any tips... Thanks again Vicky! Sincerely, Mark-------------------------
Followup To
Question -
Hello Vicky,
         I am wondering (and hoping) that you can help me.... My wife and I are considering a threesome with another woman...we watch lesbian porn all the time and my wife gets very turned on by watching it...eventhough she says she doesen't....she gets extremely excited and very "wet" if I may use the term.... I asked my wife to participate in a threesome because it is my fantasy and she agreed to try it and also agreed to try it more than once "just because she wants to fufil my fantasy" according to her.... We have not done this yet but are both looking forward to it and talk about it constantly and we have sex and always watch lesbian porn only ....I guess I am hoping to turn my wife bi or lesbian?? I really get turned on by watching two woman have sex together like many men do.... but my wife insists that she is NOT Bi or does NOT find women attractive??? and that she would ONLY be doing this for me??? I think she is in denial and does have an attraction to women why else would she be willing to have a threesome more than once..."Just to fufil my fantasy"?...She may be embarassed to admit to me that she finds other women attractive? I really think that she does find other woman attractive and I want to make her first experience a very pleasureable one that she will really enjoy and hopefully continue...can you give me your opinion of my situation?? Do you think my wife finds other women attractive and do you think she may be Bi? or will she become Bi? Thank you in advance
Answer -
Hi Mark, thanks for coming to me:)

Well, to be honest, I cant really say that your wife is one way or the other. Because i dont know you both, its a bit difficult to offer advice on her sexual preference, without hearing her side of it as well...but i will try and offer you some decent advice anyway:)

First off, you need to talk to your wife again , and get her to be honest about her feelings. If she continues to say she isnt attracted to women, then you need to believe her. You see, not all women are attracted to other women as you well know, and forcing the issue with her, might make her change her mind altogether. It does, in my humble opinion, sound like she is wanting to please you. And in that regard, you are incredibly lucky! It shows that she trusts you, and you her. She is willing to fulfill a fantasy that YOU have;)) But i do need to caution you when it comes to a threesome. Make sure its with someone you both agree on, make sure the person is clean from any STD'S, make sure you are clear on the proceedings when it happens, make sure your wife has an out if she needs one. I know this sounds like a lecture, but trust me, threesomes can break up the most sound of marriages so you do need to be fully prepared when you do it. Just be careful, make sure you are both happy with the situation, and make sure that the other party concerned, knows its a no strings situation. Its obviously up to you how you deal with it, but yeah use your head ok? Ok..enough lecturing;)))

Just because she is willing to do this more than once, again, doesnt mean she is bi or even a lesbian. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and therefore she could be thinking along those lines as well. Remember that pornos dont come close to the real thing at all:) If you think about your wife, can you imagine someone jabbing at her with those long nails???? OUCH! Would be like someone taking hold of your privates with some sandpaper....ouch ouch ouch!  thats another thing, make sure your wifes fingernails are at a reasonable length..not over the end of her fingers and not sharp in any way. The same goes for your potential other partner. all i can think is ouch right now!

Anyway, i do advise that you talk to her openly again about her feelings towards women. If it does turn out that she is embarassed about having latent feelings towards other women, dont do the I Told You So thing..just be as supportive as you can be, and for heaven sake dont go thinking ooo yippeeee threesomes every night of the week either! But i reckon you are smarter than that:)

Lastly, about your wife becoming bi or lesbian. Well, there is that chance you have to take. I mean realistically, if you are introduced to a situation you find more pleasurable than your normal situation, often times you will pick the new over the old. Im not saying that she will just dump you and run off with the first woman that comes along, but i am saying be wary. If it starts to get out of control, then you need to stop it before you both get hurt. AGain, and i cant stress this enough, make sure you keep talking to your wife. As soon as communication breaks down, things start to unravel very quickly. This is for you as well as her ok? Make sure she is honest with you, and you with her. At least if, and i mean IF, it turns pear shaped, you will have both been honest with each other...does this all make sense? i can ramble a bit...so i appologise now if this is a pile of crap!

If there is anything else i can do, you know where to find me:) I wish you all the best with this, just be smart though...AND USE A CONDOM! Never be fooled by the "oh i dont mind not using a condom" line...Std's are rampant nowadays. Enjoy your wife, enjoy what she has to offer you:) And find out if she has any fantasies as well;) Spicing up your sex life is always good, just dont go overboard thats all;) Take care and good luck, and have fun :)))))

Answer
Hi Mark, thanks for coming back:)

I need to re-iterate something firstly...make sure this is something she wants to do ok? Dont push her into something because you think its what she would like, or because its what you want ok? Make very sure, in other words, talk to her again ok?

Now the one on one idea isnt too bad, but, if she is uncertain, it might be an idea to be there as support? So again, just make sure from the start that she is alright with the nights proceedings ok?

As with anything new that we experience, hopefully she will be sufficiently turned on to want to do things with another woman. An idea might be to find a suitable person, and just have a nice relaxing evening, maybe have a nice dinner, or if you are going out, a few drinks to get everyone relaxed, maybe even take the stress out of driving and organise a taxi or something so you can have some fun as well?...ummm...if you are going to do the dinner thing at home, maybe even suggest watching some lesbian porn to get everyone in the mood? I dont know what you like to do obviously, so whatever you do, as long as it is relaxing and everyone is happy, you cant go wrong:) Ideas are endless, and im sure you have a few ideas as well:))) Just make sure you find someone who understands the situation as well? Perhaps go online to a matchmaking type service, of which there are thousands, and just see what women are out there looking to have a threesome? Sometimes, because its your first go at this sort of thing, it might be wiser to go with someone who has done this before? So pretty much, look for either a couple seeking couple for fun etc, or a bi woman seeking couple? There are plenty out there:) Also make sure you get to know this person first, a few emails here, a phone call there...as i said in the first email, STD's are not fun, so be careful? Make sure you have a handy supply of condoms as well, lube etc...;)

As for your wifes enjoyment, well, only the experience will tell if she is into this sort of thing. So make sure she is part of the choice of woman/women. Make her feel like its not just your choice of woman, but hers as well? You want her to at least feel some form of attraction towards the woman otherwise its not really going to work;) So yeah, make her part of the choice, listen to what she wants and just be there for her as well? Things will either work or they wont, and if it doesnt work out first go, talk to your wife and find out what bothered her etc, and use that for the next time..but make sure there is going to be a next time as well;)) Thats just IF it doesnt work out, if it does, well hey its all good then:)

As for your feelings about wanting her to have something when you are away , and it not being another man, well thats perfectly understandable..but again, make sure that it is what she wants. She might be content to just wait for you to come home ya know? As for it not being another man, well that does make sense. She has you, if she goes for someone else, it might be a case of you wondering what he can offer her that you cant? Whereas with a woman, it is something completely different, and its not always just about sex:) Theres companionship, emotional stuff...:)))

Anyway, i do hope i have been of some use here, but again, if not, please come back and i will try again.  I wish you all the best with this, and just take it easy dont be too pushy...but relax, and have some fun:)) Sounds like you are ready to this;))) Take care and remember to be safe ok?