AboutMargot RN BScN CGN Expertise I nursed my own Mother and Grandmother at home when they were dying so I have personal experience with the emotions involved. I have also spent the last 15+ years as a Registered Nurse caring for The Elderly and Terminally Ill and it has brought me great satisfaction. I am willing to answer any questions I can.
Experience
Past/Present clients Hundreds of Long Term Care Residents as well as hundreds of Cleitns and families in the community (including my Mother and Grandmother).
Question As of now I have moved into my parents home to take care of my mother in her last few months. She is in the last stage of kidney and liver failure,non-reversable. My mother is alert and as active as can be expected. My question for you is how do I help her to cope with her being scared to die. The doctor's say it could be anytime expecially if her amonia levels get to high or she were to get sick. I want her to find peace within before it's too late. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank-you for your time and help.
Answer Hi Karalee and thanks for writing,
Has your Mother actually expressed a fear of dying? Is she religious? Is there a Church leader she has talked to in the past?
There are no rules about when to talk about dying – no checklist or seven point plan. It's a very individual and highly personal thing. Some people start to talk about it when it becomes clear that their illness can't be cured, even though it will be many months before they die. Others prefer to wait.
When doctors use the term 'dying' they usually mean that someone has up to a few weeks to live. Telling someone they are going to die is never easy and some relatives ask that the dying person isn't told. But Dr Sturgeon explains that this imposes a barrier of secrecy between the dying person and their loved ones:
'The vast majority of people who are dying know that they're dying, and keeping it a secret means that a time that should be close and intimate between the dying and their loved ones becomes a time of relative isolation and loneliness.'
By failing to talk, each side may think they are protecting the other when, in reality, they are simply becoming isolated from each other. When there is such a large and important 'no-go' area for conversation, it can be hard to think of anything to say which doesn't threaten the secret.
If someone makes it clear that they do not want to know, their doctor or nurse should not force information on them, but Dr Sturgeon explains that there is often an underlying anxiety in such cases which it may be possible to sort out.
'They may have known someone who died in a distressed state and don't want to think about it, but if they can be encouraged to talk about this sort of fear, we can often reassure them and show them that their situation is very different,' he says.
It's quite understandable to feel tongue tied when you're talking to someone who is dying, even when they know they are dying. You may not know what to say or be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Dr Sturgeon explains that it's important to treat someone who is dying as normally as you can, to chat about what's happening in your life and to ask what they've been doing.
'They don't usually want tea and sympathy, they want you to recognise them as still there and still a part of your life,' he says.
Tell them what's happening at work or at home, talk about films you've seen, programmes you've watched on TV. Their horizons may have become narrower, but they may still be reading, listening to the radio, following the football. Your mutual interests and the things you disagree about won't have changed. Don't come to blows, but being very ill doesn't stop you having opinions!
Some people who are dying find it hard to talk about it because they are angry and frustrated by a process that is beyond their control. They may withdraw from the support of their friends and loved ones – something which only makes them feel more isolated and alienated. They can be too scared to talk, wrongly imagining that if they ignore it, it might go away.
Some hospitals and voluntary agencies run support groups where people with cancer can discuss the issues they are facing and get practical advice. Many people get support from others who are dealing with the same challenges. They find it easier to discuss difficult issues, including death, with people who are facing the same problems than to talk to family and friends who they feel may be distressed by such things. Often they find that groups give them fresh insights and help them to talk more easily to those who are close to them.
