AboutMargot RN BScN CGN Expertise I nursed my own Mother and Grandmother at home when they were dying so I have personal experience with the emotions involved. I have also spent the last 15+ years as a Registered Nurse caring for The Elderly and Terminally Ill and it has brought me great satisfaction. I am willing to answer any questions I can.
Experience
Past/Present clients Hundreds of Long Term Care Residents as well as hundreds of Cleitns and families in the community (including my Mother and Grandmother).
I am sure my question/problem is not unique but it is new for me and I am so lost.
I am a male and have a female friend who has cancer. She had breast cancer & went through the double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, etc. The cancer subsequently spread to the liver & now the bones. Finally, she was told there is nothing else that can be done and she probably has six months or so left.
I am at a loss as to how to be supportive for her. I have been there with her through this all although tapering off the last year due to work and travel. I want to console her but she seems to be almost child-like in not wanting to discuss anything factual or unpleasant. I know she is going through a lot of emotional trauma and I want to be a clear thinker for her (I mean objective and dealing with reality). However, she tells me that talking to me is more painful than helpful and that I am not the same man who loved her and helped her before. I am, of course, although work has severely limited my ability to be with her. She seems to think that I no longer care because once she told me that people at work seem indifferent to her suffering and I tried to explain that they are probably weary of hearing about her fight… my intention was to help her anticipate changes in attitudes so she can better deal with them.
Basically, it seems like whatever I say or do is wrong. Her condition is hopeless according to the doctors (my words) and I don’t know what to do. She sold her house and is renting a room from a co-worker yet I know that as soon as the co-worker learns of her condition she will be invited to leave and die somewhere else.
Can you offer me any guidance as to how I can be supportive, yet practical for her? She seems to not want to accept the inevitable. I am unable to change my work schedule or demands so 95% of my interaction must be by telephone.
I am sorry for rambling - I hope you can understand.
Answer Hi Bob and thanks for writing,
You sound like a caring and supportive friend who is struggling to support a friend going through an obviously difficult time.
Your friend is dealing with a lot of emotions probably including denial, fear, and anger; these are the normal stages of grief people experience when dealing with bad news and lose.
I can suggest two things. First go to the bookstore and find a good book on supporting people through Cancer, this should help you undestand a little more what she'd going through. The second is to be honest with your firend and tell her "I'm here for you and what to support you but on't know what the best way to do that is".
If she is in heavy denial it can be very challenging - if you can get her to go to a Psychologist that would be good, if she doesn't go, you might consider it for some professional advice.
