AboutMargot RN BScN CGN Expertise I nursed my own Mother and Grandmother at home when they were dying so I have personal experience with the emotions involved. I have also spent the last 15+ years as a Registered Nurse caring for The Elderly and Terminally Ill and it has brought me great satisfaction. I am willing to answer any questions I can.
Experience
Past/Present clients Hundreds of Long Term Care Residents as well as hundreds of Cleitns and families in the community (including my Mother and Grandmother).
Question It's a bad situation in my mother's family right now. It seems
both my grandparents (her parents) are dying. It started with my
grandma. Over the past year she has succumbed to clinical
depression and is experiencing what I believe to be delirium. She
does not seem to understand what is going on around her, she
cannot communicate very well verbally, she stays in bed most of
the time, cannot move herself around (even to the bathroom),
cannot eat or feed herself and seems to be glazed over like she
doesn't know what is going on around her.
It is very sad to see this, and it angers me so much that her
doctors can not seem to figure out what is wrong with her. They
say she is fine, she is "just depressed," but that isn't a good
enough explaination to me since she is obviously fading away
fast. I have no say in what my parents and aunt & uncles tell the
doctors or what the doctors do for her, so this frustrates me
even more. They have decided to put her into a nursing home
because taking care of her has become too much for my family
to physically handle.
I try to tell my mom about the symptoms of delirium and
demetia, but I think she may be in denial because she brushes it
off and acts like my grandma is going to get better. I do not see
how just putting her in a home is going to make her get better
(even though I DO see the need to put her there).
On top of this all, my grandfather had a stroke the day after they
made the decision to put his wife in a home. Thankfully he is
alive and not paralized, but he is still in the hospital. The doctor
says his vision will be affected for the rest of his life. He is
depressed because my grandma is not living at home anymore,
but he refuses to go into the nursing home with her. Now
someone will have to start caring for him as well.
All this is a lot to handle at one time, and I really don't know
what to tell my mom when I talk to her. I'd like to think she is
trying to be positive by not mentioning the possibility of death,
but to me it seems like denial. I also wish she'd be more
demanding of my grandma's doctors.
I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. I live an hour
away from everyone and don't see my grandparents that often. I
am thinking more practically, preparing to have to take off of
work if one of them should pass, and also worrying about
something happening while we are gone on an upcoming
vacation. Should I be worried about this, how can I tell if they are
really near their ends? Also, how can I calm my anxiety about it?
Answer Hi Becky and thanks for writing,
It sounds to me like your Grandma may be slipping away, but your Grandpa sounds like he had a small, survivable stroke.
If I was you, I would try to develop a relationship with the nurses at your Grandma's nursing home as they can give you more accurate information.
Try calling one evening around 9pm and ask if the nurse on the unit can call you back when she has a moment to discuss your Grandma's condition.
I would introduce yourself as a concerned Granddaughter who lives out of town and just want to stay in touch and hear how she's doing.
When you speak to the nurse, I would ask her if she knows what your Grandma's prognosis is, and if they think she is slipping away.
Then once you develop a relationship, you can call the home every few days and touch base. Make sure you develop a friendly relationship and say things like "thanks so much, it means a lot to me to have someone to speak to who can tell me how my Grandma is doing" and don't make anyone defensive or ask questions like "so what are you guys doing about it"?
