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Expert: Azure Date: 6/17/2008 Subject: Girlfriend not allowed to visit
Question My girlfriend and I started dating our freshman year of college. We just graduated in May and I have moved about 6 hours away from where she lives. Throughout college we lived about 3.5 hours away and she was never allowed to drive to visit me because her parents didn't feel safe with her driving in the big city I lived in, of course I didn't really live in the big city, I lived in a suburb and they were worried about big city traffic, however to go between our houses, the traffic was about the same everywhere. Throughout the four years I was allowed to visit her, my parents never had problems with me driving and occasionally we would meet half way and I would return home with her. So the burden was mostly on me for fuel/car costs. Upon graduation I asked her father if he would allow me to ask her to marry me, because I didn't want to live so far away from her, he responded by saying that her parents had no problems with me, but now wasn't a good time for them for us to get married. I'm still not sure why us getting married is dependent upon it being the right time for them.
The reason I wanted to marry her, besides wanting to be with her forever, and loving her more than anything I've ever loved, and realizing that I couldn't live without her, was that I have a great job, I make enough money to support her and myself and I have full benefits, I'm an aerospace engineer, if that helps you realize how good my job might be. When her parents said no you can't get married, they did say that she would be allowed to drive to visit me, because the city I moved to is smaller than the old big city I used to live near, even though it is further away. However, she would need to pay for gas for her trips. She found a job and is living at home still, and her parents don't have a problem with that, nor do they have a problem with me coming to visit them and her, even if they aren't home for a weekend.
Recently an opportunity came up for her to drive and visit me, and immediately her parents said no, that she wasn't allowed to drive to visit me, they just don't feel safe with her driving, even though they had said she would be allowed to drive. I don't know what to do, I feel completely lost, her parents and I have never had any problems, they've always been nice to me, they've always welcomed me into their home, they insist that they have no problems with me, they are proud of me that I have a great job, and yet they don't let us get married or let her drive to visit me. Other travel options aren't very practical, flights limit our time to about 24 hours together and trains and buses go very far out of the way. They have no problem with her being here, they've said that, is just they won't let her get here. What do I need to do? I don't know where I went wrong, they insist I'm great and they clearly know that we are in love, we wanted to get married. We are both 22 years old, so age shouldn't be a problem. My main question is, what should I do, breaking up isn't an option, her running away isn't really an option, we don't want to distance her family like that, they are important to us, but we just want to see each other, and we both agree it isn't fair for me to be driving to see her every weekend, even though I'm prepared to do it if I have to. Sorry that this was so long, I really appreciate any type of answer that I get, thank you.
Answer not sure i understand what the problem is--you're both adults, this is 2008--why do you even have to ask PERMISSION to get married?..as to the driving, same question--why do they get to determine what she does?..that aside, a 6 hr drive, and with gas prices as they are, is a MAJOR undertaking--why can't someone move closer to the other?..in any case, SHE has to talk to the parents, explaining that these are HER decisions, not theirs, and while she would hope for their support, she can't base her life choices on THEIR preferences...
