AboutNorthstar Expertise I can answer question about how to stay close to your significant other, despite the distance. I am currently in a long distance relationship, so I've experienced many problems first hand. Whether a person is having a hard time saying good-bye after a visit, dealing with time differences, bothersome siblings, or an overwhelming schedule; I have tips and ideas that will help people work through their problems and keep a level head. I understand that being in a LDR comes with a whole host of unique problems and situations that don't occur in relationships where both parties have easy access to each other. I also understand how easy it is to start playing mind games with yourself, and worrying over the past, present and future. I can answer questions about how to resolve conflict/trust issues, how to stay connected, and keep the spark burning.
Experience I am in a long distance relationship, so I know first hand how difficult and frustrating this arrangement can be. My advice will be two-fold, on the one hand I will be able to provide my insight, and on the other hand, my significant other will be able to provide his point of as well. This means I will better be able to see ANY situation from both a male and female perspective.
Education/Credentials I recently graduated from college with a BA in History
Question I am now in my third year of college. I live in the midwest but I go to school down here in Florida. When I was back home for the summer, I began dating this girl that I have known my whole life (she lives right around the corner from me) but we had never really been friends at all until this summer. I take relationships very seriously, and she is the first girl I have had these kinds of feelings for in over 2 years. Even though we didn't have a ton of time together, feelings grew strong, quick.
I made sure that we had a serious conversation the night before I left to come back down to school. We discussed what would happen between us. She never likes to talk about her feelings, ever, but I was able to get her to open up A LOT that night, which felt great. This is the first time she's had serious feelings in a long time as well. We both agreed that our feelings were strong enough that we didn't just want to say "well, summer's over, that was fun, see ya." But she didn't feel like we were at the point yet where we could say "we are boyfriend/girlfriend, and we are committed to making this long-distance thing work." So we are somewhere in the middle, and it's driving me CRAZY!
I am very open about my feelings, so I KNOW that she knows that I'm still crazy about her. It just sucks not knowing how she's feeling because she doesn't talk about her feelings. And I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to appear needy or anything. We talked/texted A LOT the first few weeks I was down here but that has slowed down. I naturally overanalyze EVERYTHING, so when that talking/texting died down, I began to think, well maybe she's not so interested anymore. We talk probably once every 5-6 days with some texting in there.
But the gut feeling I've been getting lately is that I'm doing all the chasing. I'm not calling her a ton or texting a ton or anything. I just feel like I am always the one to call first, and I am always the one to text first (but it's not like I'm texting her every day or anything).
There was an incident over the summer where she accidentally punched me in the face, and a week after I left she sent a text saying "hey, I'm watching a movie where the girl totally punches the guy in the face.........."you'd look cute with black eye ;)" So little nice texts like that make me feel SO good, but I haven't gotten one of those in quite some time now.
I just hate being in limbo and not knowing how she feels, but I don't want to screw anything up by asking, because it is an understanding that this is not an official relationship (even though I wish it was). I just wish she'd open up more often. And knowing that she very well could be going on a date with another guy just kills me. But all that said, I can honestly say my feelings are strong enough to try and make this work. She's TOTALLY worth it.
I'm just clueless as to what to do now or how I should be approaching the situation.
Answer I can understand that you don't like the feeling of being stuck in limbo, so I'm going to do my best to help you.
There is a perfectly natural and reasonable explanation as to why she never initiates contact with you: it's because she knows YOU'RE going to contact HER. You've gotten into a routine, and there's nothing wrong with that... or at least there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if you didn't have the feeling of neglect. So, how do you change this? Well you have a few options:
1. Stop calling, texting, emailing her completely and see if she picks up the slack. Pros- it takes the pressure off of you to always initiate conversations, you can focus on your life and stop worrying about everything, when she does make contact you're going to be ecstatic. Cons- it could take anywhere from three days to three weeks for her to notice that you aren't contacting her, she may not notice because she's so busy with her life back home, she could think you're mad at her, she may not care at all.
OR
2. Call her up on the phone and talk to her about her life and catch up. Then ask if it would be possible to arrange a chat schedule where you talk on the phone once every week. Pick a day where you're both going to have a few hours to talk. Since you'll be talking once a week, you should also agree to cut down on the texting (because honestly, it only leads to reading too much into them, insecurity, and unhappiness when the person doesn't text... it's just not worth it). Having a set schedule for chatting SHOULD help temper you're over-analytical brain and calm some of your fears.
Which brings me to my next point: you need to work on your attitude. It's fine to miss her, but you're driving yourself NUTS, and you shouldn't be. LDR's ONLY work (official or not) if both parties are secure, independent, honest, and willing to work at it. And don't get hung up about not being in an 'official' relationship with her because it's no biggie. I'm not 'officially' with my guy either. We live on opposite sides of the country, and we are free to date other people whenever we want. It just so happens that neither one of us is interested in dating another person, and we are completely happy the way things are. I understand where you are coming from, and I know that you would LIKE her to contact you more, but you can't live that way. You have to find a way to be happy with who she is NOW, not who you wish she could be. There is a very good possibility that she will never be good at expressing her feelings, and that doesn't make her a bad person. Nor does it make you one. Relationships require people to accept their partners completely, and that means forgiving their faults (and if possible, loving them for those very faults).
Ask yourself WHY you need her to say that she cares about you. Is it because you are worried that she's going to lose interest in you? Or is it because you need her to say nice things so that you can feel good about yourself? It could be a combination of the two, and that's fine- so long as you find a way to come to terms with your emotions and find a way to resolve them.
I think you should spend more time focusing on YOUR life as well, go out with friends and have fun. Your happiness should not depend so heavily on just one person (unless that person happens to be yourself). Talk to this woman, ask her how she's doing, and see what she says. Ask her if she's happy. Maybe she's not happy either.
