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Question So I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years now. Things were going great we traveled and moved in with each other and got engaged about a year ago. Basically we didnt have any real problems that I can remember until the beginning on this year. He lost his job and went into some kind of depression from what I can figure. He was making great money which is why we stayed in the town we are living in even though our original plan was to only stay for 1 winter and move on . . . but we stayed because of his job!! So when he lost that job he flipped out and all he could focus on was moving back home (he was born and raised in Alaska and this was the first time he ever moved away. All of his family moved from there this past year as well so he just has a few friends still there) He refused to take a job paying less then what he was making previously and didnt work for months. We have always liked to drink, but he started taking it to a much higher level. I have begged him to take a job doing anything because I cant keep paying for all of my bills and his . . . just anything to help until he could find something else. He finally did that and then ended up getting a DUI and loosing that job. Now he hates the town we live in even more, wants to leave and trash talks everything about this place and can only concentrate on going back to Alaska because he has decided that is the only place he can make money. We had a big blowout and I called off the wedding date and he moved to TX with his parents for about a month and couldnt handle being apart from me basically and flew back up here without even consulting me about it. Now there I was again having to take on the bill responsibility for both of us again. I missed him and wanted him back, I just thought some time apart would be good for us. Friends told me not to pay his $700 a month truck payment, but I felt like if I was ever in that situation he would take care of me. Anyways I could go on forever about me paying for everything and how I felt like he wasnt trying to help out and his drinking getting worse and worse, but this would never come to an end. I will mention that I never used money against him, I only used the fact that I thought he wasnt trying hard enough to fix the problem and get a second job. I understood he didnt like living here and I was more then willing to move, but I was financially drained and I told him the only way we could get out of here is if he got another job so we could save a little money and get out of here (I worked 3 jobs the first 4 months of this . . . we are into this 9 months deep now) He got a very low paying job that he couldnt even pay his own bills with much less our joint bills and thats why I told him he had to get another one. I make a lot of money in the summer and i didnt feel like I should have to keep working non-stop when I could more then take care of myself. He would get angry when I brought up money and bills even if I was just getting it all organized and he would say what do you want me to do, i dont have any money to help you. So basically there was lots of fighting that he blamed on financial stress, which was part of it, he refused to believe he was developing a major drinking problem, and he no intention of helping me out and I feel he kept spending money like we had it. Yes, I was an enabler. I bought the alcohol because I can have a drink or two and be ok, but he couldnt and I kept buying it and allowing things to happen. moving on :) So at the beginning of the month we were having to move out of our condo into something else and right after we signed the lease he flipped out and and picked a fight out of know were and started the whole "the only place I can make money is Alaska, I hate this place speach" I said then why do we keep doing this?? GO!! If thats whats gonna make you happy the GO!! We have had so many fights and have said so many horrible things but there is still a love there. Im 30 and he is 33 so its not like we are kids although I feel like it sometimes. With everything thats happened I dont know why I cant let go even though I feel like its the right thing to do. He left for Alaska last week and started working with a buddy of his and all I could hope for is him getting his crap back together. Get confident again and stop drinking his sorrows away . . I still have hope that we could get back together if he can prove those things to me and he says the same things. I dont ever think he will leave Alaska now. Our relationship grew I believe because of the fun of traveling and doing things together but now Im starting to realize that he wont ever do that again although he says he will. Hes mad because I dont want to move back up to Alasak right now, but I told him when i left that I wasnt going back for a good while. I needed a change althoughI love it up there, I believe I got sucked into a seasonal job that I loved but wasnt going anywhere in life. It was fun but I needed something else in my life. He still choose to come with me . . . I was going to go no matter what, its what I did. I was that crazy girl who all my friends wished they could be . . . the brave one who just went out and did it and always by myself, except for this time. I liked sharing it with someone but I didnt have to to be happy. But I wanted a relationship, marriage, kids, and he seemed like the one who wanted the same things . . . adventure.
So hes been gone for 6 days now and we text and talk all the time, but twice he has told me has gotten hit on by girls, and one of those times was while he was still here and twice he has told me that he would understand if I needed to go and find some guy to have sex with . . . WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? I am not a jealous person at all, he is a little more then I would like. I have told him I dont need to hear about these girls hitting on him, I trust you I tell him. I tell him I have no desire to go find another guy . . .are we together or not I ask?? and even if we werent I have no desire to go looking for anyone else anytime soon. All he can say is that it is reality . . . things happen . . . why cant we talk about them? I tell him that I dont need those thoughts swimming around in my head when we are thousands of miles apart. I ask him is that what you want? you can tell me? We have been through enough this year that I dont need anymore drama and if he wants those other girls that he should go and get them and just tell me its over. We are already living far apart and that was the hardest thing ever to deal with, so just tell me. He just defends himself to no end and says those things are reality. Im so confused!! I thought I wanted this life with him, but now I just dont know what to do. Do I wait and see if he turns back into the man I fell in love with or do I just move on?? I have lost myself somewhere in the middle of all this and I dont recognize myself anymore, and as soon as I think I do, I get shot down again. I dont know if I want him anymore, or the life I thought I was going to have with him . . . When do you decide to move on??
So now that I go back and read all of this I feel like a fool! I know what I would tell someone else in this situation, so why cant I tell myself? I would appreciate any helpful advice on the matter or if you know a book or something I can read. Sorry I made this so lengthy :) Thanks for listening -Stephanie
Answer ok, the objective view--you are in an unhealthy, addictive arrangement that's draining your emotions and stealing precious time from your life; this guy is an alcoholic (right THERE is enough reason to run), who took advantage of your generosity (he shouldn't have gotten a DIME), then when things get tough he splits for alaska (not exactly the most CARING move)--and don't be naive to believe he's even CLOSE to remaining away from these other women, if he hasn't gone there already; so, your choices are pain, suffering, quiet desperation, false hope, more time gone, or ending this NOW, and getting counseling to help you if necessary...what doesn't kill u makes u stronger...once you're away from this you too will see it objectively, learn and grow...
