Expert: Azure - 11/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello,
I was hoping you might be kind enough to offer me input into my current situation. I am involved in a long distance relationship with a girl that is several states away. for the past 6.5 months, she has been wavering about moving in with me. This is partly because of her prior experience. Let me explain......

She got divorced from her college sweetheart after being with him for 7 years. It was a rocky relationship and she ended up moving out of their home (purchased together) on two occasions. The first time she moved with a friend to a big city to pursue her talents in dancing. She felt that he was holding her back and breaking his promise because he said he would move earlier in the marriage. After one year in that city, he sent her love notes and she decided to move back. She hadn't found the success and motivation that she was looking for in the city either. It was a disaster for the next two years so she made the final move back to a city where she grew up and got a divorce. Apparently, she was very devastated by the fact that she had to abandon all of her friends where the two of them where living. This all took place 2-3 years ago.

She and I met at a conference, hit it off extremely well and have been flying to see one another (we live in different states) every 2-3 weeks for the last 7 months. We have a lot in common and seem to get along very well when we are together.   

When the subject of her moving in with me comes up, she spends the majority of the time (not all though) talking about all of the friends and family she will leave and how much she loves living in the city where she grew up. She is very attached to her environment. She also dislikes small towns very much! I currently live in a small town.

This is not a problem in and of itself, but recently, we've been getting into these big arguments regarding who should move. Ultimately, we want to start a family. She works a office job that has no benefits and pays a marginal salary. She also lives close to a big city which is great in her eyes. I have a job that pays well (full benefits) and will likely lead to me running the company I work at. I live in a smaller town which is a negative in her eyes. I also own a condo and she rents. So the upside potential and stability of my life is very good. As a result of her sacrifice in moving in with me, I said that I would be willing to move roughly an hour away which would be right next to a big city (which she prefers)in a few years. That will depend on how fast we get acclimated, find a place that we like and then sell my condo. As a result of my sacrifice, I will be spending 2 hours driving every day, back and forth to work (which I'm ok with). I even told her that when she moves here, she doesn't have to get a high level job if she doesn't want to. Just something to help pay the bills. She says that she is tired of the corporate world and wants to do something that she wants to do.

Now, she claims that the situation is unfair because I'm not even trying to look for a job in her city. So for example, if I spent what small amount of free time I have, look for a job in her city, somehow figure out how to interview without getting the attention of my current company (big trouble), that would somehow satisfy her.

Unfortunately, the situation blew up recently because I got really frustrated due to the fact that we've had this same discussion now for several months, over and over again. We say basically the same thing every time. I tell her that the justification for her moving and us starting a family is financial security and career stability, plane and simple. But she keeps probing for ulterior motives. So I told her that I'm starting to think that her move is a bad idea and got very angry because this keeps coming up.

Am I being unfair here? I didn't sugar coat this story so I'm trying to be as accurate as possible. Should I be looking for a job in her city? Or is she being unrealistic?

Thank You!!!
Bill

ANSWER: no right, wrong or unfair here--you both have reasonable viewpoints, based upon your own personal preferences; keep in mind, 6+ months of sporadic time together is not alot; next, your compromise really only takes affect "in a few years"--not exactly an "etched in stone" deal; so, in these situations, unless somebody relents, the only solution is thru both parties giving up something to gain something that's mutually forged/agreed to; going forward, to at least be able to discuss, agree to respect each other's preference/view,  calmly proceed from there, and agree to not let the subject interfere with the PRESENT enjoyment of the relationship; in time, this will either be resolved, without resentment, or be a dealbreaker, but apart from the above general guidelines, my opinion is a non-factor...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. I do have one follow up comment which you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm still giving you an excellent rating because of the constructive balance and insight that you used in your reply. You're right 6+ months is not a lot of time. I suppose I spend a little too much time thinking about the future. I guess it gets tricky when you give yourself to the extent that I do.

Again, you don't have to answer this. I could be "beating a dead horse" so to speak. You said "the only solution is thru both parties giving up something to gain something that's mutually forged/agreed to." I agree 100%
But I guess I am at a cross roads because I feel like I would be sacrificing more if I were to find a job in her city. For example, I would need to quite a job that is 100% stable. For various reasons, I couldn't be fired. Not to mention I like what I do and the pay is good. Secondly, I would need to sell my condo when I uproot. This poses an added layer of problems. From her standpoint, she doesn't like her job and has no desire to stay long term. She also rents an apartment with a month to month contract, very little obligation there. I'm not negating her relationship with friends and family, I'm just trying to look at the practical side of living with someone and planning a family.

If I would find a job in her city, I would be forced into the "bread winner" role because she has little drive to find a job that would offer more pay. She is more laid back and has trouble getting motivated. Which is nice in some ways because she balances me. However, she also wants the "good life." So at the end of the day, I am the one busting my behind to support our future family. All she has to do is stay where she is at and enjoy the ride. I guess I'm having a hard time finding a mutual sacrifice that would be fair to each of us.

Anyhow, I am thinking out loud here and this is actually helping me organize my thoughts....believe it or not (:

Thanks Again!!!
Bill

Answer
sure, if you presented your case in front of a panel of pragmatists, they'd probably agree, but you're dealing with a less rational, emotional female with a different perspective, so u need a softer approach, and one that takes time; you gradually "sweeten the pot" as to her moving--lighten up on the practicals, focus on more subliminal benefits that appeal to her heart, and do it all GRADUALLY, not with any big, serious conversation---it's been 6 months, not 6 years...without having her side of this, my comments can't be overly specific....