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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Long Distance Relationships > How a womans Dads process of dying can affect a long distance relationship

Long Distance Relationships - How a womans Dads process of dying can affect a long distance relationship

Expert: Azure - 11/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been in a loving long distance relationship of 450 miles with a great loving woman for a couple of years. Over the course of time she has loved me more than any love I have ever experienced. Due to circumstances it will still be awhile before we can consider being together. We have always been confident in our plans to be together in the future. She has recently come to the realization that her father is dying and will not get better. It is a close family and it has really affected her emotionally. I warned her early on of the pitfalls of long distance as I previously was involved in one but she always felt we would get thru it and eventually the most important thing is that we would be together. Like a light switch when the realization hit about her dads condition it changed everything with us. She went from loving calls texts etc to none. Even when I was there she was totally different and distant. She is having strong doubts about her love and about the distance.That is now wearing on her. Is there anything I can do to save this valuable relationship? My job is currently here. I feel that if I am not there for her in this time the relationship that was so loving and promising is doomed. Also do you think the emotional turmoil with her Dad could totally change her feelings for me overnight? Or is this a defense mechanism?

ANSWER: how often do you see each other?..ages?..how long will it be before the distance this ceases to be a factor?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: See each other every 2 to 6 weeks for anywhere from 4 or 5 days (mostly) to 7 or 8 days (occasionally). Ages are early fifties. We were shooting for another year and 1/2 (undecided if it would be here, there or somewhere warmer) and somewhere in mid 2011 when her youngest daughter graduated from high school. Now the distance and time frame almost seem overwhelming to her.

ANSWER: so how does she explain her current behavior?..are u saying she's not interested in communicating/getting together?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: she is not the best communicator but she days she is confused and on an emotional roller coaster since he took a turn for the worse. She went from calling/texting all the time and being the leader in contacts to virtually dwindling to nothing. I get very mixed signals. I think if I just went out there she would be happy but not being able to stay would hurry her more. We did not talk for our longest time by far (5 or 6 days) recently and she said she missed talking to me.

Answer
you need to elicit more from her as to how she stands as to you/the relationship; certainly given the circumstances her distraction is understandable, but it shouldn't necessarily mean the relationship becomes less valueable--indeed a case could be made that such events bring people CLOSER together; there's a big difference between 2 weeks and 6 weeks...i'd suggest keeping it to no more than 4 apart; at this point, and considering your huge emotional investment here, she doesn't automatically get the "poor communicator" pass--you need to not settle for less than an open/honest explanation of the CURRENT relationshp status; if she refuses or her evaluation of her feelings is not in line with your expectations, you should take the lead lowering YOUR expectations, giving her all the space she needs, letting her contact or ask to see YOU; if her interest continues to wane, more assertive action would be warranted; again, tho she deserves understanding/support, and a bit of a "pass", this doesn't mean she can expect to put you on the shelf indefinitely and expect no consequence..

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