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Question I've been dating a great girl for about a year and a half. We live 2 states apart and have to make an effort for us to see each other once a month. Over the past 18 months we've probably only spent a month and a half together. Around Thanksgiving she asked me how I felt about a break. I was staunchly opposed because I felt the distance was hard enough as it is without making it harder, so we stayed together. I thought everything was fine and the last night I was in town she even told me "I can make it 3 more years" since we're both going to different grad schools and she's a year younger than I am. A few weeks later she was acting miserable and seemed cynical about a lot of things. I told her that I understood if she needed a break thinking it would constitute a week or two of just giving her some space. She said she was going to think about it. A few days later she told me she wanted a break. I was crushed and told her I didn't really want to talk about it but I understood. She told me she wouldn't be mad if I saw other people and that she thought this was temporary but she "needed it". Needless to say I couldn't move on because she told me it was temporary and I didn't really want to. She told me we could still talk but probably not everyday because we were "on a break." I had a horrible time with this and ended up calling her a few days later and being emotional about how I didn't understand and how we should work through this together. She basically reiterated that she needed this and we got off the phone. I sent her an e-mail the next night and accused her of being entirely motived by her own comfort. I knew it was hard but she wanted someone to make her happy, not to be happy with and hadn't considered changing schools for me while I had almost changed careers for her. I don't think I meant it but I was really hurt and unsure of myself. She called me furious about how I couldn't give her some space and how everything I said was untrue. Some of it ended up being untrue but I didn't know that at the time. I apologized and told her I could give her space. After several days of terse responses to my attempts to open communication, I couldn't take it. She told me that we would "see how Spring Break goes". I was so torn apart. The girl I was so sure I loved and that had told me countless times that she felt the same way was weighing her options then planning on giving me a test drive to see if she wanted to continue this. I told her I couldn't take it and tried to convince her to give it another shot. I didn't feel like I could wonder any more and when she asked if I'd rather break up for good I said yes. She hung up then didn't return my calls and when I tried to bury the hatchet with a message she accused me of being unfair to her. I sent her a letter saying that I didn't want this to be over and while we were broken up I still wanted to see her over Spring Break if she still did. I felt like we ended up where she wanted this with her getting her space and me trying to live my life even thought we got there an ugly way. I think she still cares but she is angry. I wish I felt less apologetic because I feel like I should be angrier. I want this to work out but the more I try the worse it gets. All her friends initially said that we'd get back together but I pushed it and now I kind of doubt it. Do I need to give her the time she needs or should I try to contact her and tell her what I've said here. I've prayed to get over her for weeks but she's all I think about I literally dream about getting back together with her. I want her to be happy but I also would like to be able to sleep.
Answer as the needier, more insecure of the 2, you're in the worst position; your anger, coupled with practically begging her to reconsider all the way thru this has no doubt built up her resentment and made you look weak/dependent--not exactly the guy girls dream about; as to being "motivated by her own comfort", we ALL are creatures of self-interest--in relationship, no guarantees, and everyone is free to come/go without being made to feel guilty; this isn't the time for anger, it's time for you to gather up what self-esteem remains, stop calling/communicating, take her suggestion and meet/date others, show her this is HER loss and that you can do fine independent of her; ironically, this more self-confiden approach will be your BEST chance at recapturing her fancy, but it's always better to lower expectations, as this could be over just as easily..
