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Question QUESTION: Hi. My boyfriend and I are both 21 years old. We've been dating for over a year now and we've spent most of it apart. He goes to college about an hour and forty minutes from where I go to college. He comes home at least every other weekend sometimes more and we talk once on the phone most days.We're both in love and have expressed this. Things were tough at first being a part but then they got better and have been up until the past month...We have fought at least once a week, mainly when he's home. I feel like it may be due to the fact that I feel like the weekends do not do enough to hold over into the week. Honestly, I just feel really burn out. We're both stressed with school and I try to keep that in mind. But I feel like I put a lot of energy into this relationship and am not receiving what I need. I feel like once he leaves I have to turn off that emotional side of me and just "not care" and things seem okay, until he gets back because then it's like if he doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with me I feel like he doesn't care. I know that my love language is time, and touch is a very close second, I've wondered if maybe this is why it seems to be so stressful to be apart, maybe because it's hard for me to feel affection or love from him over the phone...am I wrong to feel burned out? I love him and I don't want to end things, but I just don't know how long I can last with this stressful relationship. What are some things I can do to help it and to help keep from fighting or picking fights? Thanks
ANSWER: what are you fighting about?...what do you mean by "burn out"?..what do you expect from him that you're not getting? have you told him?
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QUESTION: We fight about stupid stuff. Like, when he gets back a lot of times he just wants to do low key stuff in order to relax and I like to go out to dinner or something social because during the week I don't have time to do this. Also, he is very particular about being at home and in bed by a certain time because he is very goal oriented and likes to feel rested the next day so he can get a lot of stuff done. He will become very impatient if I dare ask him to stay any longer or start talking about something. It is annoying, I feel like I am on this little schedule. We've talked about it and we have both tried to compromise. I know that he likes to not feel stressed about all that he has to do, so on the first night I try to be sensitive to that and make sure he leaves earlier. So, the fights are usually the next night and start off as something really little, like something small that he said, we'll be laying in bed just talking and it's really sweet and instead of saying something sweet, "I'll probably be leaving in a few minutes." Like, does he think about anything else? It doesn't matter how stressed I am about stuff, I always make time for him and I don't rush him, but he doesn't mind basically saying he's too busy for me. I guess we're just different. I feel like a lot of times like I'm picking fights or always finding something wrong. I don't know why, maybe because it causes him to stay longer or show that he cares, but I do not have that line of thought when it's happening. But here lately it's just old fighting, he gets mean so I get mean and its just ugly. I feel bad about it and I know he's tired of it. The next morning everything is okay again. He thinks things will be better once we make it to summer break because we won't be so stressed and he'll have more time. I do to but I don't see how that will change all of it. Plus, if we have some great expectation of how great it's going to be, if one little thing doesn't go smoothly it'll seem really big. That just feels like a lot of pressure... I expect him to show affection, more than he does anyway. Sometimes, I just want him to randomly tell me how he feels, or say, you know what I just want to spend the night with you, or just something out of the ordinary. I feel like I go to great lengths to tell him or show him that I care (through words or affection), and he says he appreciates that and really likes it(I know that his love language is words of affirmation, so I try to express it in that way)...when I've told him that I just need a little more, he said that that's just not normal for him and for me to see that what he does is a stretch for him, he feels weird doing or saying those things and it doesn't come natural...but I feel like I am always the one to initiate any form of intimacy because "it's just not natural for him" but he says he likes it when I show it. By burn out, I mean that I feel stressed with everything to the point that I almost don't care. I don't feel like bothering with any of it. But at the same time, I still care, I just feel overwhelmed, I'm just tired of caring. I do not want to continue putting forth energy into a relationship if it is not as important to him, but at the same time I'm not quite ready to end it because I still love him. It's not that I can't be alone, it's just I feel like we have this awesome relationship because when we're not fighting and stressed, things are awesome. He really is my best friend. I'm just tired.
Answer this has nothing to do with distance; soon, you need to schedule a conversation with him where you state what your REQUIREMENTS are for continuing; this is the time where you inform about areas that you're not satisfied with, and he does the same; at your ages, and only dating a year with spaces in togetherness, this arrangement appears to have prematurely lost excitement, intimacy, passion--he seems to have gotten too comfortable/complacent--it might be time to shake things up a bit, maybe not be so "available" at times you're expected to be; you get aguy's attention when they feel less SECURE about you; another variable to consider is basic personality--these less than desirable character traits could be what you're signing up for, and may only get worse; as for "love", sometimes "like" is more important--plus, the best decisions are made not based on love, but on objective, rational thought..so, the advice is to INFORM him the situation is no longer acceptable, state what's REQUIRED, make changes in your availability, and if no change, start considering if this is really the kind of guy you want to be with...
