AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 3000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
Question QUESTION: Hello. I have been in an LDR for about 8 months now. My boyfriend lives in Michigan and I'm in Colorado. We met on Eharmony and he is the most amazing person I have ever known. He means so much to me, but lately I have been having a lot of doubts about our relationship and I have been emotionally torn.
I am the type of person who tends to hold things in until they get so irritating that it is a big blow up when I finally revealed. When we first started talking, it was non stop. Sometimes we would talk for half a day or until late at night. Lately though, he has been really busy and it has been hard to get a hold of him. When I went to visit him about four months ago (i have visited him since), I snooped into his text messages, and found a message from what seemed to be his ex girlfriend. She was asking him if he could write a reference letter for her and if she could pick it up from him in person. His response was that he is still messed up from what happened, and that he would mail it to her. She asked him for his work address and said she would mail it there. I remembered that he said he needed to go into work to pick up a letter that was coming. He left me at his house after I arrived from the airport to go get the letter she sent! If this didn't bother me enough, I noticed that they kept texting throughout that day, and I could see it he was texting me at the same time he was texting her. He was telling her about things that he was doing that day, which is exactly what we were texting about! This made me feel very insecure, as it seemed he still cares for her and may want her in his life. There was a similar situation in a previous relationship for me where I found a text to my then BF, from a girl in his hometown. He ended up cheating on me when he went home for the holidays. He didn't tell me but I found out on my own. I broke it off immediately, but not before finding out he gave me HPV and I had to have a LEEP preformed to remove the pre cancerous cells!
Anyway, I got very upset with my current BF after finding the texts, and asked him immediately who this girl was. He told me she was his ex and that there is nothing there to worry about. I asked him what happened between them and why he told her he is still upset about what happened. He said that he was saying that so that he wouldn't have to see her,and that there is no interest there. He wont tell me what happened between them, because he says it doesn't matter, and that he doesn't ask me about my past relationships. He seemed to get pretty upset when I kept asking, so I dropped it. It is still on my mind though, and I know it is a reason I have been pushing him away lately.
What can I do ease me nerves and anxiety? I have actually been contemplating breaking it off just to get rid of the worry.I know I would be miserable without him though. I am planning on moving out to Michigan as soon as I can find a job and a place to live soon, if things work out. Please, any advice? Am I being paranoid?
ANSWER: ages?...how many times have you seen him?
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I am 24 and he is 28. We see each other just about once a month.
Answer your insecurities are telling us that you have some issues to consider; first off, your "snooping" is really an unwarranted invasion of his privacy--not exactly the behavior that healthy relationships are based on; next, you're thinking about leaving because he's friends with an ex?..again, problematic; as far as moving there, much too soon---seeing someone 8 times isn't sufficient time to make life changing decisions in order to be with the person, especially without first dealing with the issues you've presented....consider counseling to deal with your insecurities/anxieties...totally unfair ratings--you blamed the messenger cause you didn't like the message, and you mistook objectivity for impoliteness; that's 2 more issues for you and the counselor to deal with....
