AboutAzure Expertise expertise: over 3000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks
My girlfriend and I have been dating for approximately 15 months. Our first 5 months or so were in college in Michigan where we were able to see one another very frequently. Once I graduated, I had a job lined up which would move me to Texas, which was something that we both knew from the time that we met. Due to this, I initially did not anticipate getting into a long distance relationship with her, as I figured neither of us would want to take on that amount of commitment after only 5 months of being together, and I especially was not keen on it because I had been in previous long distance relationships that never panned out well. However, through her insistence that we could make things work despite the distance, we both decided to commit to a monogamous long distance relationship. Much to my pleasure, everything had been fine up until this past January... we talked on the phone everyday and we bought plane tickets to see one another at least once a month, so even though we were apart, the distance was manageable.
In January, she left for Pietermaritzburg, South Africa to study abroad for her last semester of school. When she first got there she had problems adjusting and didn't feel like she would be happy, however rather quickly she discovered a group of friends living on her campus. Since finding this group, I have found her to be somewhat distant and her communication to me significantly limited. She asserts that this is mainly due to the lack of wireless internet there, the fact that her host university only has a small amount of computers to use that are typically occupied, and that costs for calling are prohibitive. Thus, she maintains that her lack of communication has nothing to do with a loss of feeling for me or any change in our plans to move in together when she returns, but rather because of the above listed obstacles to communication and the fact that she is busy.
Although I can see a certain rationale for her claims, it has been difficult for me to be the one who is left behind and apparently desiring communication more frequently than her. My emotions have ranged from being really hurt, sad, frustrated... and I've expressed these emotions to her, sometimes effectively and sometimes in a less cogent, rational manner. Despite the occasional lapses in effectively communicating that I mainly just want to know how she is doing so as to feel like i have a semblance of the connection we once had, I feel that overall I have been more calm and positive in affirming the important aspects of our relationship than erratic and emotional.
Nevertheless, we've gone through a few phases of say 2-3 week intervals where I feel like i never hear from her unless I'm the one making the attempt to communicate, followed by me expressing my discouragement, followed by her being upset by my continuously bringing up these issues, to me explaining myself more productively and her affirming that she understands, followed by perhaps a week of more steady communication on her part, followed by yet another drop off. This cycle has happened about 4 times now... so for the past two and 1/2 months essentially...
My problem now is this: this is a girl I felt a strong connection with, and felt as if we had essentially a spiritual understanding of one another; although I've dated girls for longer, i really did feel as if she was a person who understood me. However, in my time of feeling lonely and frustrated about the situation, instead of being comforted, I've really felt turned away. I feel as if she gets more upset at me when i express wanting more contact with her rather than understanding where I'm coming from. I do understand that there are certain boundaries to communication, however the fact is that she bought a cell phone there which she can use to text me, bought a mobile internet device which she can use to either email me or do skype chat, and in a time of last resort there are functional computers that she could use to reach out to me even if she would have to wait to use one. Thus, although I do understand there are barriers, I see these being more like low rolling hills rather than impassable mountains. I see the real boundary here being a lack of effort vs a lack of access.
Therefore, in asking myself what is going on in this situation, I'm attempting to decipher what her psychology is right now. Having been on study abroad myself, i know that there are lots of people who go abroad and hook up with other people, whether it be other americans on the trip, the natives of the country, or other international students. I also understand what its like to be away from someone for so many months... even if you love them, you become more connected to those people who are around you. Often, you form attractions to those people, even if in your heart you love another person. I think its pretty normal. My fear, though, is that my anxiousness about our relationship is pushing her further from me and perhaps closer to her relationships there. Like many cool girls, her friends tend to be guys though, which is disconcerting because although I don't necessarily distrust her loyalty, I do know that she has been unfaithful to other boyfriends in the past.
So, essentially in summary, my problem is that my girlfriend has been away for 4 months thus far. For over 2 of those months, I've felt like i'm the one putting in the bulk of the effort to maintain our relationship. At this point, although she has reassured me that she loves me and wants to be together when she returns, I have to say I'm sort of losing my love for her because although these obstacles to communication exist, I feel as if she chooses to spend time with her South Africa friends instead of following through to communicate with me in her free time. Finally, I'm not positive whether or not her behavior should make me fear that she is being less faithful to me or if I'm overreacting.
Its officially 1 month until she comes back home... many would say i should take comfort in this and just sit it out. However, 30 days can be a long time when you're constantly thinking about what your girlfriend's motives are. My ultimate fear is that she is just kind of keeping me on the back burner knowing that I'll be here when she returns and that a main reason for her distance has been because she is digging on somebody else.
In terms of a question, i suppose my question is whether to deny the feeling inside me which tells me to break up with her despite the fact that this girl has been great to me in the past and says she still wants to be together because our connection has apparently faded if she can't appreciate that I need her affection? Or, taking the opposite tact, am i just overreacting and in jeopardy of losing a good relationship?
ANSWER: in these arrangements usually one party is the needier--unfortunately it appears to be you, so consequently you'll be the more adversely affected with the lessening contact; certainly you seem to have a rational understanding of how she could be reasonably distracted, regardless of the technical issues; actually her indulgence in her PRESENT life is quite healthy, and providing valueable experience, even if with other males; the advice: 1) stop bringing up/dissecting the lack of communication issue with her--it only leads to argument, frustration, and worst of all, resentment on her part that will only make her more receptive to the comforting hug of some obliging meathead; 2) let HER take the lead in contacting YOU--and don't be so "available"; 3)at this point, it makes sense to trust her, until there's real reason not to--you have to "let go", resist the insecurity-based impulse to try and remotely control the situation; if her feelings are sufficient, she'll return to you--if not, wish her well--we ALL have a right to decide who we want to be/not be with, and there's no promises/guarantees; 4)...learn from her example--refocus on your PRESENT life, go out, have fun, enjoy the MOMENT---once she returns, you can re-evaluate the situation--for now, stay patient, positive, confident, resist weakness, neediness, and certainly don't SHOW it...
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Azure, I appreciate your advice. In many ways none of your comments are anything new to me. I've sort of felt like this whole experience has been some kind of sick scene being playing out with me knowing the right moves to make, but feeling immobilized by my own sensitivity to make the correct decisions. For example, letting her make the moves to contact me... sounds simple, right? Well, sure this probably is the obvious thing to do... part of my issue with the whole relationship at this point is that I desire communication, so then i make it happen, then i wait and don't get much in return, and thus I start to feel really left out. So then its been a week or more of waiting around... do I just keep waiting, assuming at some point she'll finally make the right decision, while at the same time I'm constantly thinking about it? Taking the opposite consequence of that decision, what if a complete lack of communication does render me obsolete in her mind?
Like I say, overall I can't really dispute any of your advice... part of my problem is i just moved to a new town and don't really have a well developed social network for that reason. So, point 4, which deserved to be listed last for its emphasis, is the most obvious thing I should be doing... just go out and have fun and find other activities to take your mind off the relationship issue. Frankly, I would love to do this, but its easier said than done.
The thing that kills me the most is that as of last friday she sent me a really nice email stating that she wanted everything to work out and that her goal was to be with me when she returned. Happy day.... well, then when we made plans to talk over skype, she blew me off. So i called her, and sort of reminded her of our plans, and she said we'd talk today... well... suffice is to say its not happening or else I probably wouldn't be writing you right now. So, i guess my biggest problem now is that i'm feeling betrayed. I mean, its one thing to have a social life and have friends and be enjoying a productive experience abroad... its another thing to be consistently choosing to make that your biggest priority even over plans that you've made with a person who has and could ultimately play a much more important role in your life. Perhaps that sounds selfish, but to me I feel like I deserve to have a partner who will follow through with what she says she'll do, despite your assertion that in relationships there are no promises/guarantees.
I know my sensitivity may not be coming off the most attractive, but where did the love go? Is not love ultimate understanding? If so, and I feel that I'm being misunderstood, should this be cause enough to terminate a relationship which makes me constantly feel bad? If love is not ultimate understanding, then i think its of little use to me.
Answer a) you have to find a life besides her--try friendfinders.com..b)sure your principles are valid and she's been inconsiderate, but i don't think ending it because of that is smart..only YOU are responsible for your feelings--she's obviously having a good time and you should be happy for her; i already suggested how to deal with the inconsideration--STOP trying, don't respond initially when she contacts you--she's presently WAY TOO sure of you; as to where the love went, it's been "tabled" in deference to the present moment, otherwise she might be as miserable as YOU...your ONLY viable option is to resurrect YOUR life--it may be the only thing remaining as this plays out...
