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Question In 4 months time my boyfriend is returning from a three year trip overseas. We've been friends for 6 years, during which I often fantasised about us as a couple (although he was involved with someone until he left to work overseas). After a romantic liaison two Christmas's ago, we decided to try things in a long distance relationship, with a view to being together when he returned this September. On the whole, it has been amazing. He has done so many romantic things, and over 18 months we've chatted for hours every few days and managed to visit each other, spending a total of 7 weeks together in face to face time. He left just over two weeks ago to go back overseas one more time. It was amazing while he was here, and I thought we made a great couple.
But two days before he left, we had a bit of a falling out. He had to meet his old girlfriend over his old flat (where she still stays). The plan is that she will move out in October so he can move back in. I lost my temper because he was arranging to meet her on one of our last nights together. Although, once I calmed down he explained that he wouldn't be with her for long. Then shortly after he asked me to play the violin he bought me for Christmas. He plays the piano and music is one of the most important things in his life. I too love music (that's why we became friends) but lack any confidence in my violin playing after giving it up when I left school.
After a bit of begging I played a very short piece of music to him and then I freaked out again. I told him that he had made me feel useless (because I don't feel I play well). He tried to tell me that he didn't care if I wasn't brilliant but I felt a bit stupid after reacting so childishly and we didn't speak for about half an hour on our way out that afternoon. I eventually apologised and things seemed to be ok.
Two days later when we were heading to the airport, my boyfriend said that he'd had an amazing time and loved every minute - except for 'that' afternoon. I didn't say much because I was sorry that it ever happened and just wanted to forget that I'd essentially made an idiot of myself and showed a real ugly side of my personality.
Then I was on my own again, and every couple of days since I've been unable to stop crying. My boyfriend seems ok, and although he says he misses me he is coping much better and keeps himself with busy (mainly organising a two month road trip across Asia).
Things aren't quite so busy at my end as I try to get a student temp job for the summer so I can pay rent. I'm really broke. I also got a disappointing result for a Uni assignment I felt I worked hard on, and so my self esteem is dipping a bit.
I've tried to explain all this to my boyfriend and I think it makes things more difficult because he doesn't feel he can do anything to help me being so far away. I also told him that I'm scared I'm going to be a disappointment to him when he comes back and gets to know me properly. I felt this was a stupid thing to do and I'm frightened I've said too much. Although since then he has insisted on telling me that he loves me anyway. I know that I can't rely on him to make me feel good all the time, but I'm also scared that the reality of a relationship together back home might not work out exactly as we've dreamt. I see potential for us sharing a fantastic life together but on the other hand I'm constantly putting myself down as if I'm trying to put him off.
I'd like to know how I can keep hold of my sanity for the last few months we're apart, and also how I can approach the subject of our transition to a relationship at close proximity without making him feel that I just want to point at the negative all the time. I don't think talking about it right now will help things because he feels he has run out of things to say. But I need reassurance.
I also need to find a way of believing that I'm worth being with.
Answer it's mainly a matter of self-esteem, refocusing on your PERSONAL goals, staying PRESENT, and taking appropriate steps to accomplish tasks without thinking so much about HIM; you might consider reading books on increasing self-esteem, or even getting into short-term counseling; all these steps will not only be beneficial now, but will help the chances of having a successful relationship upon his return..the cypress and the oak grow not in each other's shadow..
