AboutMichelle & Frank Expertise Michelle and Frank have been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years. For additional resources and advice on long distance relationships visit their website:
Recommended for long distance couples that have run out of things to talk about on the phone (very common problem). This has done wonders for our relationship:
Experience Michelle and Frank have been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years. Their relationship has not been easy and has been one roller coaster of a journey. Together, they have experienced a lot and with their experience, they offer their advice to you.
Question I was thinking either I could write a novella or just boil it down to the basics and I am going to try for the latter. I will provide more details if you need them. Thanks in advance.
I am engaged to a girl whom I met by family introductions around october 08. Not arranged, and neither of us expected much from this "blind date" but we had such good chemistry that before we parted we decided to give it a go. I proposed to her in April 09 on her birthday and that's when the combination of cold feet and LDR made things... well... more difficult. We are in serious discussions about ending the engagement and I am not sure what to do here.
Some facts:
-We talk an average of an hour a day
-We’ve had a total face time of a month where we have visited each other for two weeks each.
-She is Korean / I am an American (culturally) but of Korean ethnicity
-She has family history of a fiscally irresponsible father abandoning her and her brother/mother
-In Korea, people do not rent housing not do mortgages. Its bought outright
-Korean culture has many financial procedures for marriage that I personally find very distasteful
-I am sincerely in love with this girl and willing to communicate and commit.
When the engagement happened and the “talks” began she became shocked at potentially living in debt (mortgage), had serious questions about my personality traits of “fiscal irresponsibility” (I disagree (my annual salary is top 10% tier of US family income) and my family and friends agree with me). In the end she is lacking confidence at this point of getting married in Nov as she continues to contemplate what would have been a 7000mi move. She is very intelligent and mature and as much as what I wrote above makes her sound shallow, its more in the tune of being prudent.
So the questions:
-How long can a LDR based in these situations last before it just completely decays
-How could I possibly find ways to assure her over the phone about what I will and wont do?
-How much cultural difference is too much? Finances for one is a very important compatibility factor
-Is it just a lost cause? Should I do all in my power to hold on to her and make this work? To who’s benefit? Is this just trivial things that all engaged people go through?
-What if this is a sign that she can't promise the vows of richer for poorer?
Answer Here are my thoughts on your situation. I was also wondering, though I am sure you have reason for it, can she move here without being married to you in November. Does she really have to commit by November? I assume there is reason for it being that set date. Do you think that maybe you are moving too fast to jump into marriage after only knowing each other for a year? Are you getting married because you want to, or because you feel you have too?
- How long can a LDR based in these situations last before it just completely decays?
An LDR can last as long as both of you will put up with or ignore the problem. Eventually, you will both have to work on the problem. That is when the relationship will succeed of fail. So, how long can you wait until you need a definite solution? That would be the potential end date of your relationship. Unless you work it out. Don't forget, you are in this relationship because she brings you a happiness that you can not achieve by yourself. If you are in this relationship, and still walking around miserable, then maybe you are in the decay.
- How could I possibly find ways to assure her over the phone about what I will and wont do?
She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. It seems that she will be able to understand numbers and facts that you will give her, and then look at them objectively. You should go and figure out a)how long you will have to work to gain enough money to outright buy a low, median, and high priced home. Explain that if she feels you must buy a house, then this is how long she has to wait. Thinking along those lines, lay out, in factual form, all the things that you can't do, and why. Then, list all the things that you will compromise on. It is hard to be too specific since I don't know every detail of what her issues are.
- How much cultural difference is too much?
Finances, for one, is a very important compatibility factor. Finance is a huge compatibility factor for everyone, no matter the culture. I recently heard a stat that most marriages fail because of money. So, if you can slowly come to understand each other's view on money, you are half way there. As for every other cultural difference, well, no amount is too much. This is as long as you are 100% willing to learn and accept. Being open minded is so important if you want to succeed.
- Is it just a lost cause? Should I do all in my power to hold on to her and make this work? To who’s benefit? Is this just trivial things that all engaged people go through?
Only you know the answer to "Is this a lost cause". I can only advise you that you should only bend as much as you are comfortable to her. Figure out what is important to you. Do you love this girl with all your heart? Forget the money, forget the petty issues. Think about her and you, only. Is this who you want for your life? If yes, add the issues back into the picture. Does your opinion of her change? Do you feel that these issues can be overcome? If you think they all can be resolved and pushed past, then fight as hard as you can to hold on to her. If you think that there is no solutions, then maybe it is not meant to be. I know, personally, that whenever I have a problem with Michelle, I know that the only person I want is her, and we can push past the differences and move on with our relationship. As for who is to benefit...well, you will benefit from happiness in the long run with whatever you decide. Should you decide to end it, you need to know that you will be happy eventually, even though you have broken up. Should you decide to keep the relationship going, then you must know you will be happy with her. So I suppose you both benefit from staying together. And, simply, yes, all engaged people have a difference of opinions about their future. (This is similar to cold feet at the altar).
- What if this is a sign that she can't promise the vows of richer for poorer?
Well, a sign she can't? Anyone can say "Yes" or "I do" in their marriage vows. You are a team. A team works together, through rich and poor. It is only nature to want to 'jump ship' when it becomes poor. Do as I said above and present her with the money facts. That is your hint if she believes in you enough to follow you through the poor times. If her answer to you telling her it is financially impossible to buy a house is "No." Then, yes, she can not promise. I wholly believe that anyone can say anything. And they can be very reassuring. But you only know how they will act, when the time comes for them to act.
I am sorry that I can not answer your questions with complete conviction and complete answers. I know that you would like someone to say "Here's what you do". I can only give you my opinion as to how your situation looks, and how I think you might want to proceed. So, write down some of your ideas. Gather your thoughts. Really think about how you feel right now, and how you could feel if she still refuses to bend to YOUR culture. Trust me, writing it down helps.
