AboutNorthstar Expertise I can answer question about how to stay close to your significant other, despite the distance. I am currently in a long distance relationship, so I've experienced many problems first hand. Whether a person is having a hard time saying good-bye after a visit, dealing with time differences, bothersome siblings, or an overwhelming schedule; I have tips and ideas that will help people work through their problems and keep a level head. I understand that being in a LDR comes with a whole host of unique problems and situations that don't occur in relationships where both parties have easy access to each other. I also understand how easy it is to start playing mind games with yourself, and worrying over the past, present and future. I can answer questions about how to resolve conflict/trust issues, how to stay connected, and keep the spark burning.
Experience I am in a long distance relationship, so I know first hand how difficult and frustrating this arrangement can be. My advice will be two-fold, on the one hand I will be able to provide my insight, and on the other hand, my significant other will be able to provide his point of as well. This means I will better be able to see ANY situation from both a male and female perspective.
Education/Credentials I recently graduated from college with a BA in History
Question Hi,
I have been dating the same guy for almost 2 years now. We met in university my first year. He is from the Caribbean and is only in Canada 4 months at a time, back and forth doing school work terms in his home country while I live in Canada all the time. It was fine for us the first year, but lately it is very hard to find things to talk about on the phone, the excitement and happiness is not there for eachother. He still seems very in love with me, however I find myself with a wandering eye, always thinking what would it be like if I were single... I do love him, he is a great guy, but I don't know if the distance is making the spark go away that I once felt? Or if I just feel this way because he is not here right now? Or if I'm too young (20 years old) to even be in a relationship like this set up for marriage after university? I would love some advice what to do, should I end things and break his heart, potentially ruining the best thing in my life? Or will ending things bring me happiness and young, free, single life back...
Thanks,
ConfusedGirl
Answer Whether you are single, in a relationship, or married, it doesn't matter: you are ALWAYS going to find other people attractive. You're human, we are social creatures and it's natural to notice the people around us. I bet your guy has had his eye 'wandering' as well, and it's nothing to worry about- so long as you both keep your hands placed neatly in your lap. Acknowledging the fact that you find other people attractive is NOT a good reason to break up. You haven't done anything wrong. Similarly, "the grass is always greener..." also applies here. Trust me, if you were single, you'd be wondering what life would be like if you had a boyfriend. It just so happens that you DO have a boyfriend, so instead you're wondering what life would be like if you were single. Again, having these thoughts and taking a stroll down 'What If' lane is NOT a good reason to break up.
Now then, as for not having things to talk about. Slumps in conversation are ALSO bound to happen sooner or later (whether you are in a local relationship OR a long distance one). The solution is simple and it doesn't involve breaking up: talk to each other less. How often do you communicate with him on a daily/weekly basis? If you're talking several times a week, texting and emailing all the time- then of COURSE you're going to run out of things to say. Set up a 'talk' schedule where you talk to him ONCE a week on the phone.
Aside from cutting down on the chat time, you also need to increase the sorts of activities you do together. How do you do this? Well, pick a book to read, and send him a copy. You can discuss the book as you both read it. When you've finished the book, then it's his turn to pick one. Also, plan 'dates' together. You should decide on a movie to see, and then you both go to that movie on the same day. Afterwards, you can discuss what you did and didn't like. You should also establish an 'online' date that takes place every two weeks or so. You both go online and play a game together (scrabble, backgammon, poker, chess) there are a lot of websites that allow users to play free games against one another. Doing this will allow you both to do something together in REAL TIME despite the distance.
And so you know, it's OK to not talk to your guy for two to three weeks. Life gets busy and everyone needs space (even if they are in an LDR). I have an understanding with my guy and neither one of us feels neglected or shunned if we can't talk for three weeks. We know that we're both busy, and we have established that silence does NOT mean disinterest.
As for the marriage thing, what's your rush? I firmly believe that EVERYONE should live on their own, enjoy their job(s) and being an independent adult. Getting married right after college is a HUGE mistake (one that I have watched too many of my friends make). It may take a few years, but eventually they are going to look back and regret getting hitched so quickly. Besides, have you figured out where you'd even live? There are a ton of things to think about, but the good news is that you don't NEED to think about them for AT LEAST five years.
I myself am 22. I just graduated from college in May. I'm in a steady, long distance relationship, and there's no way in HELL I'm even going to consider marriage until I'm 26... and that's the earliest. I just don't understand the need.
My point is, enjoy college, go out with your friends, and don't sweat the small stuff. You and your guy are FINE, so stop beating yourself up over nothing.
