AboutNorthstar Expertise I can answer question about how to stay close to your significant other, despite the distance. I am currently in a long distance relationship, so I've experienced many problems first hand. Whether a person is having a hard time saying good-bye after a visit, dealing with time differences, bothersome siblings, or an overwhelming schedule; I have tips and ideas that will help people work through their problems and keep a level head. I understand that being in a LDR comes with a whole host of unique problems and situations that don't occur in relationships where both parties have easy access to each other. I also understand how easy it is to start playing mind games with yourself, and worrying over the past, present and future. I can answer questions about how to resolve conflict/trust issues, how to stay connected, and keep the spark burning.
Experience I am in a long distance relationship, so I know first hand how difficult and frustrating this arrangement can be. My advice will be two-fold, on the one hand I will be able to provide my insight, and on the other hand, my significant other will be able to provide his point of as well. This means I will better be able to see ANY situation from both a male and female perspective.
Education/Credentials I recently graduated from college with a BA in History
Question Hi,
I want to explain to you my situation beginning with my ex-girlfriend. In May 2008, I started dating a girl, and after a month and half of dating, I had to move to England for a month and a half for my job. We agreed that we will go for the long-distance relationship and we will both be committed. We talked frequently and we did a good job at staying in touch. When I came back home from England, she was acting weird with me, and I kept asking her if there was something wrong. She finally admitted to me that she was feeling guilty about something she had done. She told me that she had "hooked-up" with one of my really good friends (whom she became close with after I left, and whom she knows and met through me). We try to continue our relationship, but after 2 months, it didn't work out.
Anyways, in March 2009, I started to date my current girlfriend. I had told her about my ex, and how she cheated on me and that I wasn't really ready for a relationship (but I really liked her though). She told me that she is different, I shouldn't compare her to my ex, and that she will never ever hurt me. She seemed like an angel, and I trusted her. In June, she left to visit her parents for a part of the summer (who live in another country). We decided that we should do long-distance. We also agreed that if one of us starts doubting their feelings, or cheats or anything else happens, we will be completely honest with each other.
The relationship goes great in the first month and half away, we talk everyday on the phone, webcam, text (i.e. we keep in touch, and we are both doing a good job). After that month and half, she starts acting weird on me. She stops answering my calls, replies to my messages really late (2-3 days). And if she picks up the phone, she always "has to go". I begin to suspect something, but I really trust her and wouldn't doubt her for a second. Two weeks after that, I get tired of her ignoring me, so I confront her. She told me that we have been away for a long time, and that she thinks we talk more like friends now, and we "will figure it out" when she gets back (in 10 days). After that, I stopped attempting to call.
She got back 2 days ago, I saw her tonight and we talked. She said that she's sorry that things turned out that way, but she was busy with her family and friends she hadn't seen in a while. I told her to be completely honest and just tell me the truth. She finally does, and she says that she met a guy, and they "clicked" and started hanging out, but nothing physical happened, and now "he's in a different country, have no feelings for him". That was the reason she was pushing me away and avoided me. She said that she doesn't care about him anymore, and she really cares about me, but didn't know want to hurt me and tell me about him when we were away from each other. She apologized for everything, and she is willing to take the blame. She stressed on the fact that she didn't sleep with him, so it doesn't really count as cheating.
For some reason, I don't believe that she didn't sleep with him (and I told her that). She told me that she wants me back in her life. I don't know what to do. This is the second time something like this happens to me in a year. Please advise me, am I doing anything wrong?
P.S. I did nothing to hurt her, get her mad, or ever cheat on her (not even a thought).
Answer Hello Mark, I'm going to try and help you through this. I know that whatever you ultimately decide to do, it will be difficult. I wish I had a solid clear cut answer for you, but unfortunately there are just too many factors to consider and in the end YOU are going to have to decide what is the best course of action to take.
That said, I CAN help you think constructively about this problem, and give you some insights. First of all, I completely understand how hurt and vulnerable you must be feeling right now. You were cheated on twice by two different women. Granted, they both cheated in varying degrees, but that's not the point. The point is that you trusted both of these women, that's why you entered into a relationship with them. They betrayed your trust, and deceived you. That has to be hard to swallow. Especially when because you told your the second girlfriend about your horrible experience, and she assured you that SHE was different from other people.
As hard as this may be, I think there is a valuable lesson here. Even when people are sincere and have good intentions, they are still capable of breaking their promises. I'm not suggesting you build up emotional walls so high that no one can scale them. I AM suggesting that you think very carefully about whom you trust. It's perfectly healthy to guard yourself from this kind of emotional pain, so long as you don't overdo it.
Now, the ONLY way you could salvage a relationship with this woman is if you can forgive her one hundred percent. If you still care for her, and you want to be with her, then by all means go for it. Just realize that if you DO enter into a relationship with this woman again, you will have to let go of the past. You cannot hold this against her, and bring it up whenever problems crop up. Some people ARE able to forgive their partners, and the understanding is that IF they cheat again the relationship (and friendship) will be over. You should talk to her again and come to an agreement similar to this (but ONLY if you truly believe you can let go and forgive her).
If you decide to be with her, then you are going to need to monitor your emotions very closely. You cannot use her past transgressions to validate jealous or possessive behavior. That means you will have to respect her privacy. You can't ask her ten million questions every time she opts to hang out with someone else. You can't snoop through her phone, her email, or personal belongings. If she has close male friends, you cannot tell forbid her from seeing them. The point is, if you date this woman, YOU cannot carry any baggage whatsoever. Be honest with yourself, if you believe that these wounds are too deep, or that you would always be worried about what she's up to- then dating her would not be healthy for you (or for her). You also cannot use her past actions and deception as a way to validate your own secret affairs. If you adopt the mentality that "she cheated once, so now I get to have a free pass" then this relationship will start to rot from the inside out.
So ask yourself, do you believe what she tells you? Do you still care for her as much as you did? Can you forgive her?
Trust cannot be given, it must be earned and only time will tell you if someone is trustworthy or not. There is no 'test' or secret handshake that let's you know who is (and is not) worth your time. It's all about trial and error, learning from past mistakes and moving forward.
You have every right to walk away from this woman and forget about her. You also have every right to give it a second chance. Everything is dependent on YOU, which is actually really handy because you know yourself better than anyone else on this planet. Be honest with yourself, and be patient. It may help you to write a 'pro/con' list, or write down every happy memory you have with her as well as every sad one. When you're done, look at the lists and see how they make you feel.
You could try dating her again casually, and take things slow. Go on a date, and see how you feel around her. You could have a trial period of three weeks, during this time you go on dates and hang out. Then at the end of those three weeks, you cut off all contact with her (let her know of this plan ahead of time). Neither one of you tries to contact the other person. During this time, you BOTH consider your options and try to figure out if you want to make a relationship work or if it would be better to part ways.
If you have any follow up questions, or if you need to talk some more- I will be here.
