AboutNorthstar Expertise I can answer question about how to stay close to your significant other, despite the distance. I am currently in a long distance relationship, so I've experienced many problems first hand. Whether a person is having a hard time saying good-bye after a visit, dealing with time differences, bothersome siblings, or an overwhelming schedule; I have tips and ideas that will help people work through their problems and keep a level head. I understand that being in a LDR comes with a whole host of unique problems and situations that don't occur in relationships where both parties have easy access to each other. I also understand how easy it is to start playing mind games with yourself, and worrying over the past, present and future. I can answer questions about how to resolve conflict/trust issues, how to stay connected, and keep the spark burning.
Experience I am in a long distance relationship, so I know first hand how difficult and frustrating this arrangement can be. My advice will be two-fold, on the one hand I will be able to provide my insight, and on the other hand, my significant other will be able to provide his point of as well. This means I will better be able to see ANY situation from both a male and female perspective.
Education/Credentials I recently graduated from college with a BA in History
Question So I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, all through college. So since we graduated we live 2 hours apart from each other. Doesn't seem too bad but I still see it as long distance. A huge problem for us is the fact that my boyfriend won't drive. For all the time we have been together I have driven to him on breaks and done ALL the driving. But now that this situation is permanent I feel that there has to be some sort of compromise and I can't really take it anymore. He has his license and a car he is just too nervous to drive. We fight about it all the time and rarely see each other now because I feel that it's time for him to start driving to me and helping me with this. I also see it as an important part of the long distance relationship that we have to face. He sees no problem with it and keeps saying it's just easier when I drive and driving two hours to me is a long drive. It also makes me feel like I'm no longer worth it for him to do something that might be scary because if he could come see me and really loves me, why wouldn't he. And this weekend is his birthday and I am actually currently without a car but he won't come get me but would rather spend the time out with his friends instead of sucking it up and coming to get me. This is just one of the times when it's hurting our relationship. I just don't know what to do anymore because I love him so much and he's been there for me for some big stuff but this is really taking a toll on me and our relationship.
Answer Hi Krista, I can understand your frustration and I completely sympathize. Like your guy, I too do not enjoy driving. UNLIKE your guy, I don't let that get in the way of my relationship. My guy recently visited me for a week (he lives on the other side of the country) and I did 90 percent of the driving, even though it made me nervous. As the trip wore on, I gradually became more comfortable. The point is, when you are in a relationship, you have to be willing to go outside of your comfort zone in order to keep things equal. That means taking turns visiting each other, whether your five minutes away or five hours. You guy is being immature and selfish, and I'm wondering if he has been acting childish in other areas of your relationship as well.
Not only is driving a huge time commitment, it also takes a toll on your wallet. Over time it will start to wear on you emotionally, in fact it already has. You have to go to HIM, you're not important enough for him to make the effort to visit YOU. This has to end.
Relationships are all about equality, and when one person isn't willing to play fairly, it puts the other person in a difficult spot. You're going to have to play some hardball with him. Tell him you understand that he doesn't like driving, but that there are also other options. Look up a bus route for him on greyhound, or a train. Send him the information (including estimated travel time, and cost). Tell him he doesn't have to drive, he can use public transportation.
If public transportation is too 'scary' for him, then tell him he can drive, or pay a taxi to drag his ass over to your place.
Calculate how many miles you have driven (and how much money you have spend on gas) for all the times you have visited him. Tell him that if he wants you to keep driving to visit him, then he is going to repay you for HALF of the total cost for gas you have already spent AND he is going to give you gas money EVERY TIME you visit.
If he doesn't like any of those ideas, then tell him the ONLY way he is going to see you is if HE finds a way to come to your place. Refuse to visit him, and limit your conversations. Tell him you're too busy to chat, that you'd love to see him, but you're not going to continue with this same pattern.
He isn't being fair to you. He should be coming to visit you at least half the time. You should be taking TURNS driving to each other's places.
You could also agree to meet him halfway somewhere.
Personally though, I would just stop visiting him completely. Eventually he'd learn that he has to stop being lazy and pathetic.
Oh, you can also tell him you have a present for his birthday, but that he won't be getting it until he comes to your place. Make it sound REAALLLLY good too (I don't know how physical you two are, but if you're intimate send him a picture of some lingerie you are planning on wearing for him, while you give him a nice sensual massage, etc). Stick to your guns though. If he doesn't visit you, then he doesn't get ANYTHING. That includes your time, attention, sympathy, etc.
He has to grow up. And if he isn't willing to do this for you, then you need to cut your losses and RUN.
