AboutNorthstar Expertise I can answer question about how to stay close to your significant other, despite the distance. I am currently in a long distance relationship, so I've experienced many problems first hand. Whether a person is having a hard time saying good-bye after a visit, dealing with time differences, bothersome siblings, or an overwhelming schedule; I have tips and ideas that will help people work through their problems and keep a level head. I understand that being in a LDR comes with a whole host of unique problems and situations that don't occur in relationships where both parties have easy access to each other. I also understand how easy it is to start playing mind games with yourself, and worrying over the past, present and future. I can answer questions about how to resolve conflict/trust issues, how to stay connected, and keep the spark burning.
Experience I am in a long distance relationship, so I know first hand how difficult and frustrating this arrangement can be. My advice will be two-fold, on the one hand I will be able to provide my insight, and on the other hand, my significant other will be able to provide his point of as well. This means I will better be able to see ANY situation from both a male and female perspective.
Education/Credentials I recently graduated from college with a BA in History
Question Once I had a long distance relationship with this guy A. I left the country for study, and then we agreed to take things lightly thus not burdening each other's mind with the distance obstacles. It seemed best not to put so much effort on our relationship since it would hurt so much if one cheats on the other. We survived the first one and a half year but then it gradually became harder.
After some time, the small and petty fight between us over the net was starting to get intense. he considered me as a needy person. I expected more from him to reach or contact me frequently. he said his work was his excuse. he reasoned that with faith and commitment the relationship could work out somehow, despite the quality of our communication. he said, it all depends to the person, if he/she is patient and faithful enough, he/she should be okay whatever comes.
That led to another problem. I could not stand being unvalidated, unneeded, uncared. I let myself became weak and opened my arms to welcome a new friendship with this new guy B.
Few things happened between me and B, and I felt the guilty charge was on me. So finally, i broke up with A, casually saying the reason was only for taking a break from each other, although from my side i have this new feeling budding up to grow.
Several weeks later, A and I had this chat and he asked me if I have moved on. I told him about B matter-of-factly as i knew i couldn't keep it from him any longer without feeling even more guilty. Immediately he was upset, knowing I got over him so fast, albeit he still has such a deep feeling for me.
Nonetheless, after it happened everything seemed so much clearer. I realized that I still love A so much. Hence, I broke up contact with B in order to restart everything with a new beginning, by myself.
Three months later A called, he confessed that he always thought about me and still expected me to come back on holiday. And so i came home, with hope and faith for us to rekindle our sparks and strengthen our bond.
It was spent for nearly 2 months with us together almost all of the time. We never spoke about status, commitment and future plan as if we didnt want to ruin the treasured time. We enjoyed being close to each other so much until the time came to say good bye again.
Unfortunately, on that final day, I found out the facts that A dated several girls before I came home for holiday. By chance and curiousity I managed to use his computer and saw through folders, which revealed that he kept these chats and pictures of girls he dated. I was really hurt.
I confronted him. We made a bad farewell. However, after I left again we started to make a decent conversation via chat and talked about our relationship. He explained that he was never serious with those girls. He did it to forget me soon after knowing I was with B.
After we said apology to each other, I asked him to promote this 'casual but close' friendship (as we named it) to a true relationship like first we had. But he refused to have any commitment while we have this thousand miles-distance. He said he had less trust in me. So yes, i was rejected.
And now, i feel unbelonged once more but with much stronger feeling towards A. Its only one year left until i return home for good, thats why I am very confident that we actually can make it together. I don't want either of us to get hurt again, so i think we need this commitment.
I do admit that I too doubt him, I try not to see his reason as an excuse to stay single and date girls. This facebook thing gets me crazy since he often put his photos amongst girls and receives comments from various female strangers. Jealousy might be my main motivation to make our relationship official.
Well, now what should i do? should i keep pressing him to take this seriously? Or should I leave it as it was, like he wants it, keep contact and share affection as if we are something more but in reality we're not a couple? Or should I pretend to be cool, try not to contact him as frequent, and get busy with my activities?
So please help me, what should i do? Thank you very much!
Answer I will do my best to help you navigate your way through this problem, but it's going to take a while, and I have to warn you- you may not like everything I have to say. That said, I want to assure you that this is NOT the end of the world, and I can tell that you have already learned quite a bit from your experience. I'd also like to thank you for taking the time to write a clear, and understandable question. Now take a deep breath, this is going to take a while.
You start off by saying that you and 'boy A' decided to "take things lightly thus not burdening each other's mind with the distance obstacles. It seemed best not to put so much effort on our relationship since it would hurt so much if one cheats on the other." But then after a while, he started to perceive you as 'needy.' So the fights and bickering accumulated until you decided to start looking for another male friend who would make you feel validated, needed, and cared for.
Unfortunately, that right there is where my problem starts. I understand why you and boy A agreed to keep things light, because long distance relationships are in no way 'easy.' I have to wonder though, how often were you talking at this point? To be honest, both you and boy A are at fault for creating a problem and not solving it in a creative, positive, and constructive way. You had every right to tell him that you were feeling lonely, and a neglected. That said, HE also had every right to do what HE was doing. And by the way, work IS a legitimate reason for being busy. To give you a little perspective, if I don't talk to or hear from my guy for an entire week (or even two) I don't worry about it. I understand that he leads a busy stressful life, and HE understands that I too, am very busy. The reason our relationship works is because, as your guy A put it, "with faith and commitment the relationship could work out somehow, despite the quality of [our] communication." He nailed that right on the money.
It seems that boy A tried to comfort and reassure you that your relationship could work when you told him you were feeling neglected. He also explained WHY he was so busy. The problem was, you didn't LIKE his answers. I suspect that you wanted him to say, "of course, I'll find time to contact you more often." That too, would have been a perfectly valid response. Instead, he comforted you and told you that your future together was still possible, and explained why his time was so limited. In essence, he responded the way most men do when presented with a problem, by providing a logical response. The problem was, you were looking for something more. Now, the fact that you still felt insecure and lonely after this conversation says more about YOUR attitude about the relationship than anything else. You agreed before you left to keep things light, and despite the fact that guy A was playing by the rules, you decided to go and get to know guy B. Not only did you go and befriend the second guy, you LIED to guy A about this. In fact you BROKE up with guy A, even though he had done nothing wrong.
The reason guy A was so shocked and caught off guard by your decision to break up was because it came out of left field. From his perspective, everything was working itself out. Yes you two had your problems, but HE was sure that these bumps could be overcome with dedication and trust. And instead of being his partner and working through your insecurities, you decided to quit and find a new playmate. So not only did you lie to guy A about WHY you wanted to break up, you then told him a few weeks later about boy B OF COURSE HE WAS DEVASTATED. On the one hand, he suddenly UNDERSTOOD why you had broken up with him...but on the other hand, YOU crushed him in the process. You decided that you wanted to be with someone close at hand, instead of someone you knew cared about you and was WILLING to make things work.
I don't mean to sound as though I am attacking you, I am merely showing you how all of this played out from another perspective: guy A's perspective to be precise. This guy was willing to do what very few men are: to do what it takes to make a LDR work. And you threw his determination right back in his face so you could play patty-cake with someone else.
That said, I DO understand WHY you decided to break it off. Your feelings were justified, even if your actions were a bit immature and inconsiderate of boy A. That's the problem with LDR's. In order for them to work, BOTH people have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Communication, being HONEST no matter what, having patience, having confidence in yourself and your partner, being dedicated 100 percent... all of these things HAVE to be in place. There was a lack of honesty, cracks in the communication between the two of you, and a lack of confidence (on your part), and dedication. These are all the reasons WHY your relationship failed. And I'm telling you this so that you can LEARN from these mistakes, and make your new relationship work better (regardless of whether you end up being exclusive or just casual... and believe me, I have a lot to say about THAT as well).
So obviously, it didn't take you long to realize that while boy B was close to you geographically, boy A was close to your heart. Classic story. I am glad that you were able to see him for two months, and that the two of you simply enjoyed being with each other. You did EXACTLY the right thing. I commend you BOTH for being able to let go of all the 'unknowns' and simply relish being near to one another. That's AMAZING, and really important. It showed both of you that you still had a lot in common. It breached the gap between you, the problems you had experienced while being apart suddenly vanished. I have seen so many couples and friendships crumble simply because they couldn't push the 'pause' button and LIVE IN THE MOMENT. You should feel REALLY good about yourself and boy A for acting so responsibly and appropriately given the circumstances. So well done.
However, you DID make one rather colossal and unforgivable mistake. You tripped at the finish line, and attacked him for dating other girls. That's bad enough, but what's worse is that you SNOOPED around on his computer, went through his files, and spied on him. That behavior is COMPLETELY unacceptable. You have to keep in mind that YOU broke up with him. YOU left him to be with another guy and LIED about it. He was crushed, so he attempted to get himself back to normal. You cannot blame him for dating other girls. Your reaction was out of line, and you bet your buttons you OWE him a sincere apology.
Now then, boy A has refused to be in a committed relationship with you. And I have to ask you, are you REALLY surprised by this? You gave up on the relationship the first time around, left him to be with another guy. Nothing guy A tried to do for you was good enough. You let your insecurities get the best of you, and you abandoned ship. I don't blame guy A for not wanting to go through that circus again. Especially after you snooped through his computer and got mad at him for talking to other women. On the other hand, YOU have no reason to 'doubt' him. He's always played straight with you, and all the problems you are experiencing today are a result of YOUR actions. Furthermore, you admit that jealousy might by your main motivation for wanting to make the relationship official.
Jealousy and insecurity do not a sound mind make.
All right. I am now going to tell you exactly what you have to do if you want to strengthen your relationship with guy A, and possibly date him exclusively. There is no guarantee that he will date you exclusively, but your chances will be greatly increased if you follow my advice. The FIRST thing you HAVE to do is write him a letter. That's write, a good old fashioned letter. Tell him that you are sorry for invading his privacy. Tell him you are sorry for giving up on your relationship and lying to him. Say you are sorry for attacking him. Be sure you sound sincere. Then talk about what a wonderful time you had with him during those two months. Add details, and be sincere. Tell him that you miss him, and that he has helped you grow so much as a person (after all, this is VERY true). Tell him that you now know what you want, to be his girlfriend. Immediately after you write that sentence, write this: "But I completely understand if you cannot be in a relationship with me, and I do not fault you for feeling hesitant and wary of such an arrangement." Of course, use your own words, but you get what I'm saying. Show him that you want him, but that you also value HIS feelings more than your own personal motivations (jealousy being the main one).
If you want to be in a relationship with guy A, then you are going to have to change A LOT. First off, you can't be jealous of these girls. He has every right to be friends with both men and women. Just as you have every right to be friends with both men and women. You are both going to have to start being HONEST with each other completely. You cannot be jealous. It will undermine the relationship before it starts. So if you only want to be with him because you are jealous, I'm telling you right now you are making a huge mistake and you will only end up driving him away. If you decide that you truly care for him, and you really have sincere reasons for wanting to be with him, then you are going to have your work cut out for you.
You both need to sit down and TALK about how things are going to be different. HOW are you going to get over feeling lonely and insecure? HOW are you both going to rebuild the trust? Personally though, I think it would be safer to simply remain friends, and wait until you get back to pursue a relationship.
If you are both telling each other how you feel, and showing affection that way, then you are in a relationship in everything but name. Titles are meaningless. Think about this, plenty of people are 'married' yet one spouse or the other could be having an affair. Lots of 'couples' cheat on each other. Labels mean nothing to me, it is all about HOW you treat each other. I'll let you in on a little secret: my 'bf' and I? We are not 'official.' We are free to date other people, we have no obligation to each other. So the ONLY reason we talk to each other, or visit one another is because we WANT TO. He has many female friends, and I have mostly male friends, but you know something? I trust him completely because I know that he does not have to talk to me. We are both secure with who we are as people. We enjoyed being single, and now we enjoy associating with one another. We tell each other we care for one another, we treat each other with respect, and that's enough for us. We are happy, and we think that 'titles' are a joke.
You need to get over the idea that a stupid 'title' will magically make all your problems go away. The fact is, even if he WAS your bf, you'd still feel lonely, you'd still be jealous, and insecure. You just don't sound ready to undertake the task of making a LDR work, and that's OK. They aren't for everyone. Enjoy being friends, focus on your own life, work on boosting your self esteem. Until you can be happy by yourself, you'll NEVER be happy in a relationship whether it's 'normal' or long distance. You have matured quite a bit, and learned a lot about yourself thanks to these experiences. That said, you still have a long way to go, which is fine. Life is about growing up and evolving as a person.
Don't give up on yourself, and don't lose heart. A year really isn't that long, and I think you could really use this time to start repairing the relationship you have with yourself. If you need anything else, I will be here. I'm more than glad to answer any other questions you have. I think you should also show your question and my answer to guy A. It will show him that you're really trying to make sense of everything, and that you WANT to do right.
