Expert: Northstar - 9/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello, I am currently in a dilemma.  There is this girl I really like, a lot, and she is away going to a college somewhere a few hours out.  I do not have a car nor a license so I can not see her whenever I would like too.  I have been wanting something to happen between us, like becoming official, but she wanted to wait until she came back up to see.  But when she came up I ignored her for the whole three days she was back in town.  I just could not, and still not, deal with not being able to see her so I was trying to get over her.  I am so afraid that if we go out she is going to leave me and find someone else and I can not even imagne how heart broken I will be if that occurs.  I got numerous text and phone calls from her and on her last day I decided to tell her what was going on.  I told her everything how I am scared and she insisted nothing like that is ever going to happen.  That I am the only person she wants to be, with she is the only person I want to be with too, but I just can not seem believe her when she says these things it just all sounds to good to me.   I know how I feel about her I would never leave her never but I can not see her doing the same or feeling the same way about me. I told her how I did not want to talk anymore that this was the last time we were going to talk and she did not like that idea at all.  Later in the phone call when I was ready to end it she said that she loved me.  I love her soo much it is crazy I would do anything for this girl.  I do not want to be the reason why she is upset I want to be the reason why she smiles I have always felt this way for a while now but I was never quite so sure how she felt.  I feel as if all of this is not fair, I found everything I could ever want or need in someone and now I do not even get to see them.  She was my first kiss and I have never had a girlfriend before, she has not been in a relationship either, I want her and only her to be my first.  I just do not know if I should give all this a try because it is really what I do not want.  I want to be able to see her, hold her, kiss her and just look her in the eyes.  I also feel as if she is just going to find someone else sooner or later.  I do not know if what I can offer her is what she will want as I get so sad and quiet on the phone because I really want to be with her so bad.  We started talking again today and already I feel like this is not worth it.  What should I do?

ANSWER: The first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and relax. She is ONLY one hour away from you, I know that feels like a lot but I promise you it isn't. I am on the west coast and my guy is located on the east coast, I see him every three to five months and I talk to him once a week. You need to tell this girl how you feel, and find out if she wants to be with you or not. Then you need to look up bus routes and figure out how much it will cost you to go visit her. Does she have a car? You should be able to visit each other every other weekend, if not more.

You seem to care for this girl a great deal, and you should tell her that. Write letters to each other, when you talk on the phone focus on how happy you are to hear her voice and NOT how much you miss her. If all you talk about is how much it sucks to be so far apart, then your conversations will always be sad and eventually you both won't want to talk at all.

You were wrong to ignore her when she came to town, that was immature and cruel. She had no idea why you were suddenly giving her the cold shoulder, trust and communication are ESSENTIAL to making a LDR work. You BOTH have to be open and honest with one another. You CAN'T be jealous at all, or it will eat away at you. If you trust this girl and she agrees to date you, be HAPPY and don't focus on all the people she will be meeting (YES, she is going to have guy friends and that's NORMAL).

Keep your head up, talk to her and see where she stands.

Good luck.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok so her and I have been talking like nothing has happened.  I want to apogilize for my actions how I did not see her when she was here but it is sorta hard for me to admit im wrong.  I am willing to do it though.  I tried to do it today but I got to nervous and she got upset with me because I told her, after trying to get in contact with her, that I would just talk to her later tonight. The apology part is not what is making me nervous.  I want to tell her how I feel.  That the reason why I ignored her is because I did not want to take a chance on this love.  Ignoring her was awful but it also helped me realize that I really want to be with her. I just do not know if I should tell her all this because I do not want to take things to fast.  So should I tell her all this, that I plan to never hurt her again, that I want to be her.  I'm really scared that she will not feel the same way about me but I have to take the chance.

Answer
Most people don't like to admit when they have made a mistake, but that shouldn't stop you. Things have been rocky between you and this girl, the first thing you need to do is apologize, and then repair your friendship with her. Stay in touch with her, make sure you guys talk at least once a week, work on making her happy and show her you are dedicated to being her friend.

When things have been going well between the two of you (ie constant communication, without fighting) for at least ONE MONTH (personally, I would wait three months), THEN you should tell her how you feel. At that time, explain to her why you ignored her, and how you feel about her. The truth is, your words will mean so much more to her at that point, because you took the time to get your friendship with her back on track and stayed around. If you tell her right now, she's going to be thinking "what the hell? First he ignores me and I have to BEG him to hang out with me and now he likes me? Is he just going to change his mind again tomorrow?" The only way to prove to her that you are dedicated to making her happy, and that you are sincere about being with her is to SHOW her you have the maturity and patience to wait until it is the right time to tell her how you feel.

Good things have to be earned and worked for. Show her you're willing to do the work, and then tell her how you feel. Until then, just be her friend and patch things up as best you can.

Good luck!