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Long Distance Relationships/Online dating/long distance/age difference


I know this is going to sound really long and complicated, but I'll try to explain it as well as I can. There's a lot of categories this could fall under but I liked what I read in your profile so I thought I'd ask you.

I'm 21 years old. I'm from Milwaukee, WI and I go to college in a town about 100 miles north of there. When I was 18, I started chatting with a guy online. It was purely by chance. But he seemed really nice and we flirted a bit. Eventually our chats became more and more frequent, nearly every day. After a couple months we exchanged photos of ourselves(nothing sexual# and we both found each other very physically attractive. But most of all we just enjoyed having someone to talk to and flirt with. A few months after that we started having audio chats. After a little over a year we started exchanging photos that were a bit racier. After being in contact for about 2 years we exchanged phone numbers and started having phone calls 3-4 times per week. A few months ago we started having video chats.

We both really like each other. We've talked about almost everything and we've shared some really personal things with each other. I trust him a lot considering we haven't met yet, and he's given me great advice on lots of different topics.

He's 41 years old, single, never married, with a 7 year old daughter. He lives in Detroit, MI. We've wanted to meet in person for quite some time but I've been busy with work and school and he's busy working and being a full-time dad #he's had full custody since birth and the mother is no longer living). But we finally both have a weekend free so we've decided to meet at a half-way point in Indiana. Since it's such a long drive, we're meeting in the early afternoon for lunch, spending the afternoon together, having dinner, and spending the night at a hotel. We will be sharing a room.

Although I've wanted to meet him for a long time, I've always been nervous about the idea. I was date raped when I was 16, so I'm very suspicious of men. But we've been talking almost daily for over 3 years now. I've even gotten a full background check on him and he has no criminal record. The only thing he's been to court for is custody of his daughter. I know where he lives and where he's lived in the past. He doesn't have a Facebook profile, but some of his family members do and I've browsed through their information and pictures and of him and he seems like a totally normal, family oriented guy. I know it may sound really weird that I've done so much checking up on him, but I want to be as cautious as possible.

Neither of us has any experience with online dating or long-term relationships. He's never dated anyone younger than him, and I've never dated anyone more than 3 years older than me. So this is new to both of us. So my question is this: would it be okay for us to give each other oral sex on our first night, if we were both comfortable and felt right? I'm torn, because I've never considered myself the type to do anything sexual on a first date. I've only ever done anything sexual with one person, and that was the guy who raped me. As of now I would like to wait until I'm married to have intercourse, and he knows this. On the other hand, I feel like the fact that we've been talking for over 3 years makes a difference. It's not like we just bumped into each other at the bar and decided to go home and get naked together. We do know a lot about each other. He says he does not believe in one night stands, friends with benefits or online hook-ups just for sex. But he assures me that if we did do anything it would be different because we've been talking so long and that he would not think I was a "slut" since sex is not the purpose for our meeting. He has only been sexual with 2 women in the past, both of which were long-term relationships. He has not STDs or anything like that. He's made it very clear that sex is not one of his main priorities. He knows that I'm a bit nervous about sex because of my past and I have no worries about him trying to seduce me. He's very respectful. He says although he will likely be up for anything besides intercourse, it is totally my choice whether or not I want to do anything. I'm just concerned, because I really do want us to give each other oral sex. I think about it a lot. I just never imagined doing it on a first date before. Also, he would be the first man to give me an orgasm. I know I would love it, I just don't know how I would feel afterward. I want him to know that if it happens, I'm likely to feel even more attached to him than I already do and he will be important to me forever. Sometimes I think that NOT doing anything sexual would make it more exciting the next time. But sometimes I think I would regret not doing it when I had the chance. And I don't know when we will see each other again after that. I've actually wanted to live in Detroit since before we ever started talking, but I don't know how soon I will be able to do that.

I know there's a lot to consider here, but I would like your honest opinion on all of this. I'm only 21 and I want to explore things and learn about myself and gain experience, but I also want to be careful and avoid mistakes. I know the 20 year age difference is kind of a big deal, but I feel like that's the least important right now. We think alike, have similar backgrounds, morals, and goals in life. We like a lot of the same things. He's a real gentleman, not like most of the guys my age. He's taught me a lot about guys and life in general. Any tips or advice would be much appreciated!

Hi Rachel,

Thanks for dropping by and sharing your personal life issues and seeking help on the same. It really takes a lot to open up about what's inside the heart and the way you have expressed the whole situation, clearly indicates how much you serious about it and want it to go smooth.

Your wordings and actions as depicted, clearly indicate that you strong headed girl and you have taken your bad past experience in good stride and has made you little mentally strong. The way you went about having a verification check about the man, clearly shows your maturity to have information about the man, you looking to have some kind of bond in days to come. You seem to be emotionally weak and do get carried away with strong and soothing wordings, genuine wordings do appeal to you. Considering your age group, you are bound to fall for genuine feelings and gentleman like approach from men, which is not often seen by people who are quite elder in age groups. I have always believed that what matters is the quality of views, compatibility and exchange of though process. Personally, duration you know a person or age difference doesn't matter, unless you really seeking to have a long term relationship of like marriage or love. What makes the difference is the valuing of each other's priorities and respecting emotions, and not just imposing your own views, but seeing mutual comfort zone.

Since you guys have been talking from quite a long time and exchanged quite a lot of life experiences and stuff, its natural that when you do meet up first time, you guys tend to be more close and emotional and its the internal happiness to be with the person, I have been attached from so long and seeing them finally in real, brings people close to each other. Physical closeness in your case would be more of affection and comfort zone, you both have shared over the past 3 years of interacting online. Had you guys been meeting after exchange of few messages and views, and getting physical, that would have sounded more of desperation to get intimate. But your bonding doesn't seem to be based on physical parameters at all, which actually is a great thing that you guys did discuss about the same. From my view, go ahead and meet the person and have a nice personal time, without any inhibitions. Just feel the moment of being with the person and don't worry about the closeness which happens, as its bound to be heavenly and you would cherish the moment.

Since, you have already discussed your priorities with the man that you don't desire to lose virginity before marriage, make sure that you do stick to the same and your man does value your priorities, as its seen that people do get carried away in such intense flow of emotions and just end up making love or losing focus on priorities. On hindsight, I would like to also tell you that guy is quite experienced one and is best in communication and impressing ladies. He is at a stage where he would also be desiring some sort of emotional bonding and seems little bit on possessive side. Do make sure that if you guys do meet and get close, that would lead to a sort of bonding over the future and desire to meet each other, would increase. You being at an age of making career and settling down few years down the line, such distractions should be avoidable. Meeting once is fine, but don't get that much attached, as your nature seems to be, as it might lead to some issues in future, with bonding from both ends.

Overall, do go about spending time and cherishing the moment, but make sure you do keep future in mind and does confide with one of your loved one around, in case of safety, as you would be taking a risk and meeting someone first time. Chatting, interacting online fine, but always be on safer side when meeting in real.

Feel free to drop a word and share your experience, when you happen to meet the person. God bless and go ahead !!

Relationship Counsellor
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Long Distance Relationships

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I am quite experienced and matured enough to handle questions related to following topics: 1) Love- Friendship 2) Issues in all kinds of relationships. 3) making a relationship work. 4) Effective tips to sustain a relationship. 5) Sex related queries. Well as of now haven't come across any such questions, which would offend me or I lack expertise in, but am a straight forward person and doesn't hold my wordings back. I don't mind being honest in case I lack knowledge about particular aspect and quite flexible to accept genuine views of others or seek other professionals for my case studies, to help the clients out.


Well I have been doing online counseling through my own blog for past two years. I have got good response throughout, which has motivated me in going ahead and helping people in their relationship issues and bring a smile back on people's face. I don't say that am a professional in this area, but well sufficient enough to contribute in the aspect of Modern Day Relationships.

I have been an IT professional throughout my work experience of 8+ years associated with IT MNC's like IBM, Infosys Technologies to name few. I have conducted effective counseling sessions for different corporates I have worked with in my private capacity and contributed effectively to employees striking quite a balance in work and personal life.

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