You are here:

Long Distance Relationships/Long Distance Relationship - External Influences


QUESTION: Hey there,

My situation is obviously very unique like almost every other unique situation and not many individuals can help me through this and so I look to you for help after being recommended here by a few friends. Here is the situation.

I started dating an amazing girl about 8 years ago when I was living in another country. We dated for about 6 months and then I moved to another country but would travel internationally every 2 months to visit her and thing were going great. We were working out very well. About 2 years after that I had to move to the US and did so. She is still in Pakistan. We have still been together since then, but things have been rocky for the last couple years.

In 2007, we both lost our virginity to each other and thats when I moved to the US. That was August 2007. My next trip to back home was in July 2010 due to financial restrictions and my immigration status. During that period everything was great no roblems no nothing. Obviously there were a lot of hardships that I faced and rearranged my life schedule so that she doesnt have to do much. My trip after that was December 2010 and things were still great. After Dec 2010, we finally started talking about tying the knot, and we finally agreed to do so on April 18th 2012. Back in December 2011 she started talking about how she needs physical intimicy because we would have "phone sex" but she said that didnt work for her. So we stopped with the phone sex. Now I always want her to be happy and she jokingly suggested that we try a guiltfree pass and as a joke I said yea ok. She took it a little seriously and she started showing signs that she was serious about it so we clarified it and we agreed that no Guilt Free pass. Everything was fine then but she started being very moody like her mood would be really good for a couple days then really bad. This was troublesome becuase I was like that not her. So basically this continued all through 2012. I was planning on flying back home to get married in December 2012 and in November things got real rocky and without losing my cool I made her come clean and she said that yes she did have sex with someone else starting in Feb and going on till May 2012. The problem is that I would have been ok with it because I love her and to a great extent I feel like my phone sex and all drove her to this and so I never flipped out at her. The problem came when she said that she doesnt love me anymore (after almost 7 and a half years of going almost perfect). I always helped her feel better and I never and to this day have NEVER lost my cool with her. I tend to bottle up everything and I tell her everything but in an understanding way not in a flipping out way. Now we got married in December and I will be flying back again in June to pick her up. Now she doesnt open up to me like she used to and she gets really moody. She told me EVERYTHING about her "affair" and I still kept my cool. After the wedding she even cried on my shoulders and apologized and said that she was sorry for drifting in the wrond direction. She knows she has no future with this guy because he is the complete opposite of what she needs in her life. He has drug problems, alcohol problems, rage issues and above all he is a guy who has the "player" label on him. Me on the other hand, I dont have any anger problems, no drugs, no alcohol, I have a career, a place of my own and I am as adventerous as she is.

Everything is out in the open and I still dont wanna lose my cool at her but now she is my wife and I hate that guy but she is still friends with him. I feel like things will be fine when we are finally together but at the moment I am working like 80 hours a week, sleeping close to 4 hours a night and when I finally have time (Lunch breaks or driving) I talk to her and the last thing I want is a grumpy mood. How do I fix this?

I dont want her to do anything...I messed things up (or at least I feel like I do even though she says I didnt but I still feel guilty for it) and I want to fix everything...I want things to be good between us again.

Please Advise.

P.S. I never cheated on her or did anything with anyone else. Worst I did was hide the fact that I smoked from her for 8 months but then I came clean about it and we worked through it.

ANSWER: pretty often did you see her all those years?...after she told you she didn't love you anymore, why did she marry you? now, where are you, where is she?...when are supposed to be together? you believe she loves you?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well she said that spending time together physically helped bring us closer together and honestly I felt the same way. She also knows and accepts the fact that no matter what, physically, emotionally and mentally I can support her better than anyone else...also, she knows that for her to reach we full potential in life I am the best motivator (this all is what she told me when I asked her that same question as to why marry me if she doesn't love me). There is also the element of family. In our culture relationships before marriage are kind of looked down on but she never mentioned the family aspect ever.

As far as seeing her and communication. We would talk on the phone when she would be headed to work or I would be headed to work daily. We would talk on the phone when she would be in bed about to sleep and vice versa and due to time difference and our lives, we would Skype 3 to 4 times a week usually when it would be late night here.

After August 2007, I met her for a month in July/Aug 2010 (I was there for her birthday). Next trip was December 2010 for 3 weeks, next was December 2012 and the next one will be May/June this year then she will move here. She could not come here due to visa issues.

Now as far as her loving me, I'm on the fence. She does have feelings for me but feelings for the "FWB" are also lingering somewhere. As hard as it might be for me to ever trust her I am still putting my heart and trust out there and trusting her that she won't do anything like that again but my main problem is the mood swings. When ever she would be feeling down or in a bad mood or upset she would call me and we would talk and I can confidently say that we always ended the call with her being happy and laughing so hard that her stomach hurts and she saying "I am the luckiest girl in the world because I have u to make me feel better when ever I feel like shit" and then it would be like "honey I'm sorry if I annoyed u...I love u!" Also, she still gets mad at me if u don't eat right or sleep properly or do anything that would be harmful to me!

I want her to open up to me to talk to me and tell me what's bugging her.  Why will she not open up to me? Is that something that time will heal?

this sounds nothing like a real marriage...considering you've hardly spent any in person time together, getting married was probably a mistake, ESPECIALLY when her love was in question, at best; nothing here will be resolved until she's here; i'm not a big believer in these long distance deals..texts. skype, etc,in no way compares to REAL interaction; until she's in front of you, just avoid confrontation, keep it simple, be compassionate, don't get into the "issues"; once here, time for a totally open/honest dialog so you can both determine what your expectations are, and if each of you are ready/willing/able to meet the requirements of the other going forward..

Long Distance Relationships

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts




expertise: over 3000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


see above

©2017 All rights reserved.