Long Distance Relationships/LDR
I met this guy through a mutual friend during a dinner, and he and I clicked very quickly. Both of us were attracted to each other from the very beginning but did not make it known until around a week later. We decided to take it slow from there. However, he had to move to another state 4 hours away from where I am for university quite soon. Long distance was an issue with him because he had a very bad experience with one last year, and I had issues with letting people in because of repeated bad experiences myself. But eventually after a long discussion about it, we decided to give it a go. Things were going well, with him or I calling each other almost every night...etc... At one point I was quite afraid of the relationship because he had said 'i love you' really soon. The first time it was a slip up. The second time he said it to me via video call - and by then I knew he had that look on his face when he wasn't joking, but I said nothing about it. The third time he did it over the phone, and when I told him not to say things he didn't mean, he said that he did - and still I said nothing else. I was very afraid of exploring my feelings for him further - especially given the fact we knew each other/been together for less than a month. He seemed to know that I was holding back due to me keeping the past with me, and tried to get me to open up. But I was too stubborn and too scared. I also had a very close friend of mine who is a guy and we have a very complicated history together that he is aware of. Granted I do speak to my friend a lot, and I would always ask if he(the one I was with) was alright with it, and he would insist that he was. Our relationship progressed nicely throughout September, and we had a comfortable relationship where we could even be comfortable with silence. The only real issue I had was him not liking to open up very much since he is an introvert and has an issue about letting people in, while I am more risk-taking in that sense. However with time I could feel myself loving him, but was still too afraid that he wasn't serious about the word 'love' as I was.
Late September, I had thought that he had gotten sick of me - because we didn't talk as much as before and he would speak very little when we did. I dont know if this is clingy but just one day of not talking to him made me twitchy. I got worried so I confronted him about it - he immediately asked me if I saw this relationship going anywhere. I have a tendency not to think too much about the future so I just said I didn't know. I had my concerns but I was happy with him and wanted to be with him despite all the difficulties(namely the distance). He got very worried about it because he said he couldn't see anything. He couldn't predict if we would end well or not - he just couldn't see anything. And because of the past, he told me that he was concerned that he wouldn't be able to take it again - since he's going to be away for 2 years plus. He's tired of getting hurt and thinks that we'd be better off as friends, and said that he still wanted to talk to me. So the relationship ended.
Now we still speak, but our conversations are very strained. He would say things like 'I would ask who but that's none of my business', and I wouldn't be able to say things fearing it would cross the 'friendship' boundary. I couldn't be angry with him over the breakup, and I constantly worry about his health and wellbeing because he hasn't been himself lately - but at the same time I want to let him know that I am not his past experiences and that I do love him. I am conflicted as to what to do with my feelings now - because it isn't pleasant to know that although I feel that he is worth the difficult work that is required to make a LDR work, he would feel that I wasn't. But at the same time I want to be able to make my feelings for him known - since fear was what destroyed our relationship in the first place, fear was what made me hold back, and I wasn't aware that he was actually bothered that I spoke to my male friend so often. But now I feel like I rather have ten minutes of speaking time to him a week - and not having the need to restrain my words than speaking to him several times a week with this fake act that I'm okay with everything. I don't know if this is very selfish of me, or very foolish - and I don't know what to do. I know he still cares for me - but whether he still loves me or not - I wouldn't know because he is good at concealing his emotions and would seldom show them. My best friend doesn't doubt that he still has feelings for me - but I can't get my hopes up.
Please excuse the terribly long 'essay', and I hope that you can advise me on this. I am also alright with providing more details should you require it.
someone going away to school, especially when prior in person time is brief, makes a relationship really hard; this guy basically cut way back on communication, ended the relationship, and suggested "friends";regardless of what he says, his behavior tells the story; telling him your feelings won't change the facts that your lives are going in 2 directions; also, my feeling is you went to this pseudo-friends thing way too fast, because you can't be friends unless feelings are "neutral", which yours certainly aren't; my advice would be to lower expectations to zero, refocus on YOUR life, meeting/dating others, minimize communication with him, and see what happens...if he has a change of heart, he knows where to find you, and even then, i wouldn't advise 2plus years of long distance miseries...he was right about that..