Long Distance Relationships/Long-distance Relationship

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QUESTION: Hello all,

I have a difficult situation with an ex girlfriend. So, I am a freshman in college and she's only starting her junior year in high school. We started dating around the end of June just this past summer after a mutual friend set us up together.

I was hesitant at first because I knew I'd be leaving for college, but I really liked her a lot and we both promised we'd keep our relationship together as best as we could. Anyway, the summer with her went great and it was like a dream for me because she was my first real girlfriend and until then, I hadn't had much luck with girls. We never fought, we just did all the little things together, and I completely fell head-over-heels for her.

Unfortunately, it was time for me to go to school and as hard as it was to leave her, we both promised each other the same things again and eventually I had to leave. While I was at school, it was hard for both of us but we talked all the time and used Skype and stuff like that. Even though it wasn't the same as actually being with her, our feelings for each other didn't change and we would just look forward to the next time we'd see each other.

Ever since I left, we had a few arguments. Nothing too serious or concerning, but I still felt bad because we never had problems until I left. The only thing that did concern me a little was that a few times, she'd say how upset she had been lately because I hadn't been home. I understood how she felt, and I'd always tell her how much I loved her and we'd just talk about keeping busy and then she'd feel better.

About a week ago, we were Skyping and she was acting a little quiet so I asked what was wrong. She said she was having a lot of trouble with the long-distance relationship thing and that she wanted to end the relationship. She said she still loved me and we wouldn't have broken up if I didn't have to leave, but the fact is, I had no choice. I am truly devastated because I love her so much and I don't want to lose my first girlfriend because I had to go to college. Even though it's a common cause, I believe she is worth fighting for.

She also said she wanted to start seeing another guy which hurt even more. When she told me who it was, I didn't let her see my anger and she still doesn't know how I feel about him but truth is, I'm furious. He not only pressured her to cheat on her last boyfriend which caused them to break up; he also asked her to cheat on me TWICE. She became angry towards him because they used to be best friends and then all he wanted was sex. After he realized she wouldn't hook up with him behind my back, he became an asshole and ignored her and you wouldn't know they were once friends at all. A few weeks ago, they started talking again. And I found out that only 2 DAYS after we broke up, they were already holding hands and the next day they were official.

I feel insulted a little humiliated. How could she date someone who gave her so much shit?! And how could she be official with another guy just 3 days later?! I just don't understand the situation. Sometimes I feel like the relationship didn't matter that much to her, even though she said I was her first good boyfriend. Did she break up with me because of college, or because she felt something towards the pro asshole? Or maybe both? I'm just devastated because I want her back so bad and I know I'm so much better than the other guy. Also, she said she still wants to remain close but it's difficult because I still love her so much and I'd do anything to be able to call her mine again.

Can anyone explain? :( Thanks in advance

ANSWER: welcome to the world of early life romance...1st, not many go from high school to happily everafter, especially  when someone goes off to college--college changes everything, for one or both; next, she's too young to be expected to wait around for you--she's just developing into who she is, and craves new experiences, new people; as to comparisons with the other guy, it doesn't matter--what matters is she's decided to go in another direction, for whatever reason, and you have no choice but to respect her decision; the anger thing isn't helpful; unfortunately, there are no guarantees when it comes to relationship--she owes you little more than telling you her wishes, which she did; sure it's tough, but all you can do is accept the deal and move on; any show of anger or other emotion will only make you look weak, needy, resentful, and just move her closer to the new guy; as for staying "close", aka friends, refuse, at least until you get to the point where your feelings are totally neutral--otherwise, it's like you took a seat on the bench, waiting another chance...refocus on meeting/dating the many women that surround you--a new attraction is the best cure...and, ironically, is your best chance for the possibility of her missing you/seeing you as doin just fine without her, and reconsidering...but at this moment, sometimes you just have to let go, as hard as it is....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, that clears things up a bit. Do you have any advice on moving on from the break up? :/ I feel like it should be a little easier since we're already apart but at the same time its hard picturing her with someone else. I just want to get out of this depression phase...

Answer
no magic button...unfortunately, some pain is always part of life...when you see yourself doin the "picturing" thing, just remove the thought from your brain; stay busy/occupied..the best healer is time..just let the pain pass through you, don't fight it...and as i said, meet some women..you're at college, they're everywhere...start making efforts to get their attention..and remember, this is the worst of it..each week it will only get better...

Long Distance Relationships

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expertise: over 3000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available uponrequest...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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