Long Distance Relationships/Stay or go?
I have known my boyfriend for over 30 years, we dropped out of touch for 10 and got back in touch 7 years ago. We have been in a long distance relationship all that time. We lived about 400 miles apart, we saw each other about 1 weekend a month but speak for at least an hour on the phone every day plus emails and letters. The problem has been that he has some issues and he won't let anyone in his house. Not me, not his sister, not his friends. (I know he is not a hoarder, he lives in a complex and they do inspections each year and I have been on the phone with him during this and other work on his house and heard the workmen.) I think it is a trust issue, he has been burned by people including his sister. We are so good together that I have been allowing this situation to continue. But last year because of finances I had to rent out my house and move 2000 miles away. I was planning to come back in another year but now I really have to sell my house. The problem is financially I would be better off if I stayed where I am, I also have family and friends here. I have been talking to him about the possibility of moving closer to him but his work situation has become even worse. I don't want to go back and still only see him once a month. We are both not in great financial shape so I think the only way we can see each other more is if I can come and stay with him. He says that he took over his condo from his parents and he didn't really want to live there so he never changed or fixed anything and that he would feel humiliated if I were to see it. My feeling is that he does not want me to be a part of his life there. He has said that he has had other relationships that did not work out when they tried to live together. I have let him know that I am flexible, that if he needs more space that I can let him have that but I need to see him more than once a month. He finally said that he would be willing to let me come and stay with him, but when I mentioned flying out to see him he withdrew and started talking about coming to see me instead. Last night we talked about me flying out in a few weeks and he asked how I would feel about staying in a hotel, that he just couldn't agree to let me in with the house as it is right now. I asked him to get counseling because I am afraid that he just can't let me in on his own, but that upset him a great deal. I am committed to this relationship whether I stay or go but I don't want to buy a house there if nothing has changed. I feel that I shouldn't go unless he lets me in his house. But I'm not sure, am I putting too much emphasis on this one issue? It seems to me like that is the only way I can be sure that we can work this out. I am in my 50's and he is 12 years older, he is very set in his ways. I feel like I can't afford to make a mistake at this point, but I love him and want to see him. I'm afraid that this is a control issue and he will not allow me to come and go even if I am just an hour away. Should I force the issue? People have told me I should just go and show up on his doorstep.
there's only 1 question, what is your ultimate goal?..if you require a live together arrangement now or in the future, it's not happening, and to choose to stay in this dead end scenario REGARDLESS, will mean a life of deep regret and quiet desperation; he's told you by words and more importantly actions, that he has ZERO interest in living with you; if you're lucky, you have a third of your life left--is this really how you want to spend it?.you say you're "committed", but just what are you committed TO, more of almost nothing?..if you're unwilling to leave, then you are powerless to have him change ANYTHING; so, the only alternative is to accept the current situation, go there, see him on HIS terms, (no doorstep, which would be totally disrespectful), go home, and remain trapped in this dependency...