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Losing Your Virginity/My dad had sex with my girlfriend before I did


QUESTION: My parents are of the hippie, new age kind of type. They are very sexually liberal, whereas I tend to be more conservative. From time to time Ive been bothered by them having sex in the living room, and they walking naked through the house. I have a beautiful girlfriend, and recently I decided to invite her to my home. We have been together for six months, and my parents invited us for dinner and wine. My parents asked alot of personal questions and soon enough found out we hadn't slept together, but that my girlfriend had started with the pill in anticipation for it to happen. They made the outrageous suggestion my father could take my gfs virginity in order to make our first time together easier. They went on and on about it, and claimed this used to be quite normal in historical times, the father helping the son by taking the virginity of his bride. Through the wine and constant insisting and nagging, they managed to pressure us into saying yes. A couch was converted into a bed and my gf made to lay down on it. My mother and I sat behind them, and she soothed me while my father went through with two intercourses with my gf. It happened in a normal or standard way I guess, but he was obviously so enjoying that, and he used no condom. For the most part, all I could see was his butt. Afterwards my parents congratulated each other with a job well done. I was more or less numb or in shock. My girlfriend had been passive. She'd felt some vaginal pain at first, then tried to get used to what was happening with her. The table and the mess was cleaned, and after giving us some assurances and making some jokes between themselves, they went two bed. Only now did I realize what had taken place. Lather that night, I felt the need to reclaim her, and asked her if I could sleep with her. She said yes. It felt good and was intimate, but when I went down on her, I found a black hair that certainly didn't belong, and she smelled a bit fishy. Basically I lost my virginity in my fathers sloppy seconds. I almost feel there was some gay element to it all. The day after my parents pretended as if nothing happened, but through some inquisition they managed to find out we had been intimate. They claimed it had been easier with their "help" and I was assured she was all mine. As some time has passed, I'm feeling increasingly resentfull. I wonder what their motivation could have been? Sexual pleasure for my father, or did they want to humiliate us? When it was going on, my father looked back at us and asked if we liked the view. My girlfriend of course regrets it, and says we should try to fight through it and get over it eventually. My parents stepped far, far over the line, ruined a special moment for us and made a dirty mess of our love life. Thanks to my father, I'll never sleep with a virgin, as I want to keep my girl. I want to punish them somehow, but I don't want to go as far as to disown my parents. Should I demand an apology from them to both of us? In that case, how can that help us? Or should I simply try to live with it? They of course have noticed my anger. My gf had reached the age of consent when it happened, and agreed to what was taking place, so technically I suppose it's not illegal.

ANSWER: I think it would be better if you forgot the whole thing.  You are the only one who gets to sleep with your girlfriend now.  Maybe it would also be better if you swore off alcohol.  It didn't take you anyplace good.  As you noted, you have been aware your whole life that your parents are more sexually liberal than you are.  The alcohol not only brought out that libertine spirit more in your parents, it inhibited you and your girlfriend from doing anything about it.

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QUESTION: I just don't realize how I can get over it. I mean, my own fathers penis was inside of her, and made a mess in her several times. I can't stop thinking that I was completely humiliated and that they tainted her for me. I had to see everything, their genitials coming together and his contractions when he came. When I go down on her, I can't stop thinking she still smells of him, and when I kiss her, I can't stop thinking about how he kissed her too. How can I get these images out of my head? Should I seek out therapy? I just feel this rage and sadness that I don't think will go away until I get a tearfull, heartfelt apology or something.

It shouldn't have happened, and you shouldn't have watched.  Everyone involved consented, so there's nothing that can be done about it.  Most people have had a sex partner before.  The partners they're with don't think about the others when they make love.  You shouldn't either.  I wouldn't rule out professional help as a way to go on this.

Losing Your Virginity

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Doug Adams, Ph.D.


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